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Maybe it seems a bit brash to make sexual agreements. An “agreement” is so formal, so official, so stern – all of the things that sex shouldn’t be. Unless you’re into boss/secretary, CEO/CFO roleplay stuff. Many couples assume sex will just…happen. That it’ll always be there. That it’ll always be great. But that’s far from true. Just like every other element of your relationship, it’s something you have to work at to keep alive, or else all the other areas of your life that demand your attention and pull at you, will get the best of you, and let your sex life fizzle out. And sex is very important to a relationship – more important than many people realize. Remember that, unless you’re in an open relationship, sex is the one thing that truly separates your relationship with your partner, from your relationships with everybody else. He’s the only person you do it with. That in and of itself is part of the intimacy. There’s also the biological reality that, when we have sex with someone – and particularly when we orgasm – our body releases hormones that increase our bond with that person. If you’re going to spend your life with someone, there are some sexual agreements worth making.
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Keep up your sex life
First and foremost, that you’ll keep your sex life alive. We’ve already covered why that is so critical. But you and your partner should hear each other say it – make that promise out loud. You will always be paying attention to how your sex life is doing, you’ll care if it needs some attention, and you’ll give it that attention.
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Ask for something if you want it
Promise to be open when you want something. There’s no guarantee your partner will do it, but, if there is something you want, and you are unsatisfied with your sex life because you don’t have it, you owe it to your partner to bring it up. He shouldn’t just have you silently resenting him, if there’s something he could do to make you happy. But it’s up to you to bring it up.
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Don’t judge your partner’s desires
Understand that sometimes, your desires won’t align. In fact, sometimes you may find some of his proclivities, well, weird. But don’t judge him. You’re allowed to say, “That’s not for me” without making him feel insecure. You’d probably like the same respect from him, if you bring something up that he doesn’t want to do.
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Find ways to keep it fun
Agree to find ways to keep it fun. Don’t let it become repetitive. Don’t ever treat it like a chore. Don’t ever talk about it as if it’s something you have to just “Get over with.” You should both do your parts to continue to treat sex like something that is fun, and that you’re happy to do with each other.
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Don’t cheat
Hey, this is a sexual agreement – it has more to do with other people, than with each other, but it is important. If a straying partner would, for you, be grounds for a divorce, say it now. Maybe you don’t think you need to say it, but it can’t hurt to say it.
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Never weaponize sex
Promise to never do sex the disservice of weaponizing it. What that means is, don’t withhold sex to get what you want out of your partner. Or only agree to do certain things in bed if your partner will behave in some way you want, out of bed. That’s not fair, and it can really harm your sex life.
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Have some discretion
You may want to talk about how much discretion you both would like around your sex life. Maybe there are some things your partner doesn’t want you sharing with friends. Maybe he doesn’t want you posting jokes about your sex life on social media. Maybe he doesn’t mind at all! But, talk about it.
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Masturbation shouldn’t interfere
Different couples have different rules around masturbation. I don’t really think one person should get to dictate if or when another person masturbates. What I will say, however, is that you should never let masturbation interfere with your sex life. So you should both agree to not do it so much that you no longer feel like having sex with your partner.
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Be open about birth control
If you’re with someone and have agreed you don’t want kids, at least for now, the birth control conversation may need to be a group one at times. For example, if you no longer want to take the pill, but your partner hates condoms, you may need to find other options, rather than forcing him to use a condom.
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Be open to change
Agree that you will both always be open to a discussion about your sex life. If one or both people need to see some serious changes, or really feel that you need to introduce a new element to your sex life to still enjoy it, you can talk about it. You aren’t locked into anything for life. These agreements are guidelines, and are what can/should keep you satisfied for many years. But they may not keep you satisfied for all the years, and it’s important both people know they can bring up possible changes down the line.
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Lay out some “wont’s”
It can be good to lay out some “wonts” before getting married. Ideally, you’ve been dating long enough at that point to pretty much already know one another’s “wonts,” but you’d be surprised. Some couples only learn once married that their partner refuses to ever try something that the other really hoped to try.
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Lay out some “must have’s”
Lay out your “must have’s” too. Must have foreplay. Must have sex at least twice a week. Must feel desired. Must be allowed to bring toys into bed. Again, these may be things your partner already knows about you if you’ve been together for a while, but it doesn’t hurt to say them out loud.
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Go on sex vacations
You don’t have to do this one, but I highly recommend it. If you lead incredibly busy and stressful lives that will make it hard to keep up an active sex life, agree to go away together, on a regular basis (once a quarter? Once every other month?) for a sex vacation. Getting away from it all, as a couple, has a way of revving up your libido.
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Don’t panic during droughts
Understand that there will be droughts. You’re going to work to prevent them, but if you spend your life with somebody, they will come up. Agree not to panic. Agree not to jump to conclusions, like accusing the other of cheating or not loving you anymore. Agree to discuss these calmly.
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Be understanding during tough times
Also agree to be understanding when there are times when your partner simply like when a loved one passes away, when he’s lost his job, or during other particularly trying times when being sexually active just feels unnatural.
