Why You Should Date For 5 Years Before Getting Engaged
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This may sound a little long to some. It may sound like an eternity. Very few people wait five years to get married. But I’ll argue that, if waiting five years to marry sounds like too long, then you’re the perfect candidate for waiting five years. If you marry someone, it’s with the intention of spending all of your remaining years with that person. So…a five-year time frame spent in any way with them should not feel long. I would even argue that those who don’t want to wait five years don’t want to because they fear that, in that time, they’ll learn something they don’t want to learn – that they aren’t compatible with their person. And with many humans having a self-destructive nature, sometimes people just like to double down on what they know is a mistake, locking themselves into a decision even further that they know is wrong for fear of…turning around. For fear of admitting they were wrong. For fear of starting over. It’s why so many dating couples who are on the rocks get married and then so many of those married couples throw a baby at a sh*tty marriage. It’s this strange habit people have that’s like, “I know what’ll fix the fact that we’re going in the wrong direction – let’s just go faster, in the same direction.” It’s one of the dangers of marrying too soon. On that note, here’s why I think most couples should date at least five years before getting married.
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A lot of people get along for a year
I’m always terrified when a couple gets engaged after one year of dating. A year? Anyone in that situation could probably tell you that they dated plenty of people in their lives for about a year. And then went onto realize those people were all wrong for them. So…why aren’t they allowing that same time frame to elapse here, just to make sure it isn’t the same case?
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Many get along for three years
Hell, I’ll be honest: a lot of people can get along for three years. The honeymoon period ends around year two, and then, even if the relationship unravels, a lot of couples will just deny that things have turned sour, and stay in a bad relationship because they feel they’ve already put so much time into it. That can go on into year three. Some even throw a marriage at the problem then to reignite the flame. Yikes. It’s good to wait past that time, to see if this is something you are really happy in for a while.
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You should experience a sex drought
I think every couple should go through the inevitable sex drought before getting married. A lot of couples – and I mean a lot – realize, the instant the sex drought happens, that this was always all about sex, and they really find no pleasure in their partner’s company without sex. Yikes. It’s important to figure that out before getting married.
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And the eventual sex plateau
There is the first sex drought that every couple goes through. Then there’s the panic. Then they get back on track and revive their sex life. But it naturally slows down into what becomes a permanent plateau. I think it’s important couples get to this place before getting married – they should make sure they still love being with this person, even when sex becomes a once a week thing or twice a month thing, instead of a twice a day thing.
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We change around every five years
Humans go through major changes around every five years. Think about your life to date. You can probably see that that’s true. Around every five years, you learn new major life lessons, and you learn new things about yourself, and those lessons solidify in your being. It could be important that a couple makes sure that whatever it is they bond over, that it sticks after that major change-of-life term.
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You need to develop a friendship
You straight up need to be good friends with your partner. You should feel like he’s an old best friend – the kind who you can just look at and know what he’s thinking, and the kind who makes the must dull activities more fun – before you get married. And developing that type of friendship takes about five years.
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Get comfortable with the families
You should also be comfortable with each other’s families before becoming forever a part of them. I mean really comfortable. You should get past the phase of trying to appear perfect to them, and actually letting them see your flaws – actually getting in some arguments with them – and getting past that, and settling into what feels like family. You know – imperfect, but comfortable. Loving each other, without liking each other all of the time.
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Get comfortable with friends
It’s nice to marry someone once you feel like you know their friends well and that they’ve accepted you. It’s not imperative, but it’s a really nice feeling. I know because I’m about to marry my boyfriend of seven years, and by now, I have years of memories and experiences and inside jokes with his friends. I don’t feel like an outsider coming in at all. I’m part of the inner circle now.
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Experience financial stress
I believe it’s important for a couple to see how they weather financial stress together, because life will be riddled with financial stress (unless you happen to be millionaires). Money issues can and often do break up relationships, and it’s typically because the couple only experienced smooth sailing in the money department for years. That first issue bumps them so badly that they fight, say things they can’t take back, and…break.
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Experience a loss
I don’t want anyone to experience loss. But, everyone will, because it’s a fact of life. So I want every couple to at least wait to get married until they’ve been through some major loss together – or been there for one another when the other suffered a loss. These types of events also show a couples’ true colors.
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Test your staying power for romance
If you still want to prioritize your relationship at five years in – if you still pay close attention, every day, to how your bond is feeling and whether or not the spark is still there – then you’re in a good place. Plenty of people have the energy to do that for one to three or four years. Really. They do. That’s child’s play. But if you still have the stamina and drive to keep the spark alive at five years, there is a good chance you’ll want to do so for life.
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There’s no benefit in rushing
There is zero benefit in rushing. Zero. Name one. You can’t. If you feel yourself wanting to say something like, “Well if we don’t get married soon we may grow apart and then we’ll never get married,” then you’re with the wrong person, and were going to grow apart either way. It’s so much better not to add a divorce to that situation.
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There are huge downfalls to rushing
Then there are massive downfalls to rushing. It’s so common that people stay in the wrong marriage. They do so because they don’t want to admit they were wrong. Or find themselves in dire financial straits. Or embarrass their family. Or…be single again. But if you find yourself unhappy and aren’t married…it’s so easy to just leave.
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At five years, you’ve done a full cycle
At the five year mark, you’ve really done a full cycle. You’ve established a connection. You’ve had the honeymoon phase. You’ve had the panic that comes when the honeymoon phase has ended. Your sex life has slowed down. You’ve grown close to taking each other for granted, caught it, and fixed it. You’ve suffered hardship together. I think you should go through this full cycle before committing to each other for life.
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If you’re still excited to get married…
At five years in, if the idea of getting married still genuinely excites you, then you’re in a great place. If you would still feel lucky to marry your partner at five years in, then you are standing on solid ground. That’s how you should feel before your wedding. Many couples, sadly, at five years no longer feel excited about that. And that’s important to know.
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