Family & Parenting

How Growing Up In A Militant Household Affects You

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Though many millennials on the younger end of that demographic may have grown up in households where they were encouraged to “raise themselves” and “express themselves” and dress themselves in weird clothes and explore and play…that’s perhaps only a privilege that was afforded to those 23 and under. As for those on the older age of the millennial spectrum, strict, rigid, militant atmospheres may have been what they grew up in. That was just the way people used to raise kids – a lot of people, at least. I have a lot of theories on why this happens. Many parents who are now 65 and up, particularly the men, served in the military when they were young and were subjected to that sort of militant experience themselves. And people tend to pass on what they suffered. Older generations were also pressured into getting married and having kids early, which may have left them feeling trapped and stifled – and the anger that caused may be something they took out on the very children they felt who trapped them. It’s all a psychological mess, but I know that I have many friends who grew up in very militant households, and it’s affected them as adults in their personal and professional lives. If you grew up in a militant household, here’s how that may be affecting you.

You feel comfortable around few people

You certainly do not feel at ease when meeting new groups of people. New groups of people are just, in your mind, little bombs ready to go off – they’re full of ways you could possibly upset them, without knowing it. You take a long, long time to relax around someone. You have to get to know them very well, and figure out what upsets them before you can let loose. Ultimately, there are very few people around whom you feel comfortable.

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You always anticipate reprimand

You live your life believing that reprimand could be around the corner at any time. When a roommate, spouse, sibling, coworker, boss, parent, landlord – you name it – calls your name from the other room, you assume it’s to tell you that you’ve made a terrible mistake. You always retrace your steps and make sure you’ve done nothing wrong, for fear of reprimand.

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You highly edit your words

Any sentence that comes out of your mouth is usually the fourth or fifth draft of the thought. You grew up being chastised and mocked for speaking incorrectly or saying anything that could possibly be interpreted as disrespectful. So now, in most of your relationships, you edit everything you say.

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You shut down in conflict

As a child, the only way you could survive all of the yelling and lectures and criticism was to shut down. You’d eventually just stop listening. You’d go numb until the lecture was over. You couldn’t emotionally stomach being present and alert for all of it. Now, in other relationships, like when a romantic partner says he needs to talk to you about an issue, you shut down. It’s your kneejerk reaction to conflict.

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You may lean on alcohol for relief

Because you spend so much of your life inhibited – retracing your steps and watching your words – you may develop an unhealthy relationship with something that helps you feel uninhibited, like alcohol. You may be someone who becomes particularly reckless when drunk, because you feel it’s the only time you get to let loose.

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You fear people are silently mad

You often believe that someone is angry with you and just not telling you. If a roommate or spouse or friend has been a bit silent, you believe they must be harboring some secret resentment. It doesn’t cross your mind that they are just…quiet today.

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You over-analyze small comments

You are not a good audience for sarcasm or playful criticism. If someone teases you, or makes a joke suggesting that something you did was wrong, even when it’s clear to everyone else it was just a joke, your day is ruined by the comment. You obsess over it, wondering about all the other times you may have made the mistake that person joked about, without realizing it.

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You don’t believe conflict is over

When someone says they’re over something, you don’t believe them. A friend or romantic partner or colleague can insist that the issue is in the past, and you keep wanting to re-confirm that. As a child, your strict parents would say they were “over” something, but clearly weren’t. So that stuck with you.

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You retroactively ruin social experiences

Even if you have a good time in a social setting, you often ruin the memory for yourself, because after the fact, you over-analyze it. You start thinking that you may have upset someone without knowing it, or you made the wrong impression on someone, or something you said came off the wrong way. What was a happy memory a moment ago becomes an anxiety-ridden experience.

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You disdain formal situations

Like fancy weddings when there are very specific dress codes and times you are supposed to stand or be seated or give a toast or not talk. Any situation ripe with possible mistakes is a situation you hate. Your entire childhood was just a landmine of mistakes you were always trying to avoid, so now you don’t like rigid and formal situations.

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You check and re-check all is okay

For no reason at all and out of nowhere, you’ll often ask your friend or romantic partner or roommate, “Hey, we’re okay, right? We don’t have anything we need to talk about, do we?” You hated growing up wondering when conflict would take you by surprise, so now you try to get ahead of conflict – but there isn’t even any conflict there.

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Messiness causes you anxiety

You would be terribly chastised – yelled at, and possibly spanked or hit – for leaving a mess. You are so traumatized by that experience, that now, any little mess causes you anxiety. When you stay at someone’s home, you spend over an hour cleaning the room in which you slept before leaving. And even after leaving, you fear that you left something messy.

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You seek out unruly and playful people

In your friends and romantic partner, you need people who are free-spirited, easy-going, non-judgmental, playful, and a bit unruly. You need to be around people who so clearly don’t read into things or take things the wrong way or take things personally. You need to be around happy-go-lucky people, because you don’t worry (too much) about them getting upset with you at every turn.

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You might hate plans

Your childhood may have been overly-structured with every activity planned down to the 15-minute increment. For that reason, now you may disdain overly-planning things. You may hate talking about logistics. You want things like vacations or weekends to be pretty free and open.

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You hate bossy personalities

You feel a burning hate for bossy personalities. Even if it’s someone you’ll barely interact with again – maybe some stranger you’re sat next to at a wedding – if the person is clearly controlling and authoritative, you feel this anger boiling up inside of you. That person likely represents your parents to you.

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