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Since cyber relationships are basically the only type of new relationship anybody can form right now, there are a lot of them developing. It’s not like anyone can meet up for a first date whenever they feel like it. Speed dating events have come to a close. Every singles bar you know of has been shut down. Even that dog park that everyone knows is a singles park is closed. We humans don’t have the luxury of choosing to meet someone in person when we want to get to know someone. That makes this a strange time for single people. A lot of people have accepted the new world order, and are actively dating online. The rules and expectations are still foggy, but people are giving it a go. And it’s uplifting to see how people still have hope of finding love, even in a time when we can’t be together in the conventional sense. However, the coronavirus has only intensified the risks that can come with online romance.
Remember that, even before people weren’t allowed to meet up in person, there were thousands of people who chose to keep their relationships online. They were shy. They were socially awkward. They were catfishing the person and not who they said they were. Now, almost everyone is forced to keep new relationships strictly online. But…there are a lot of risks associated with that. I don’t just mean the risks of being catfished and handing your bank account information to a stranger, but risks of the heart. A cyber relationship isn’t a real relation—it’s a pseudo-relationship. But our hopes and expectations are real, and so we can be hurt. Here are some of the emotional pitfalls of a cyber relationship.
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You only talk when you’re “on”
If your relationship only exists online with someone, then you have the option to only speak to him when you’re feeling cheery, perky, positive, interesting, entertaining—you know. Your best self. And you will choose that option over the times you’re a bit down or tired, every time. But that doesn’t give an accurate representation of who you are.
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You have nothing but time for each other
Right now, you each have nothing but time for each other, because you are staying home. You’re working from home, or working less, or not working at all. You have zero obligations. You have tons and tons of time for each other. But that is not sustainable, and the drastic shift that occurs when you both return to your regular lives and barely have time to talk, can break you.
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You don’t face IRL time constraints
You really don’t face any real lifetime constraints, so you don’t get a chance to see how the other responds in the face of them. Nobody is sitting in traffic. Nobody is caught up in a line at a boutique. Nobody gets stuck looking for parking for 20 minutes. These things affect your ability to talk—often, and at the times you said you would—and these things will come back. They make people cranky, and your harmony can be broken up then.
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You cling to the human connection
The attachment may be an unhealthy one to begin with, as you may be attracted to someone just because he’s someone—anyone to talk to—and you’re so lonely right now. You aren’t holding him up to the standards you normally would a romantic prospect. You aren’t meeting tons of other men while you’re out and about, and comparing. This guy seems perfect because he’s better than nobody.
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You can curate your reality
You can and likely will curate your reality a bit. You may make it seem like you cook healthy and elaborate meals each night but…you just happen to talk to him on those nights. You don’t talk on the nights when you eat frozen pizza and pudding cups. You can show him just the one room in your house that’s perfect and tidy, and hide what a mess the rest is.
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In fact, you can hide a lot
You can hide just about anything you want. And the temptation to do so is very strong. You may wind up building a totally inaccurate and unrealistic idea of who you are. When the world returns to normal, how are you supposed to meet up with this guy and show him that you’re actually imperfect?
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He can hide a lot
You’re not the only one hiding things! Remember that he can, too. He may position the camera so that he always looks 30 pounds slimmer than he really is. Or five inches taller. He may know how to make his house look enormous when…actually…it’s a studio apartment! When people can pretend to be better than they are and have a life more glamorous than they do, they often give into temptation.
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You can fear meeting in person
If you carry on strictly online for months and months, you may actually find that, when you have the chance to meet in person, you don’t want to. Things are perfect as they are. You don’t want real life interrupting this little bubble that your relationship lives in. You can fear that it won’t be as good in real life.
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You don’t socialize together
You don’t integrate other people into the equation at all. He’s not coming with you to events where he meets your coworkers or friends or family. You’re not going with him to such events. You only know how you behave when it’s just the two of you, but that’s not real life—you need to know how he is with your friends.
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You won’t fight
You may choose not to fight—never picking a battle—because it would just be too painful when you can’t meet up in person to make up. So that could mean you both hold in a lot of things, don’t speak up when something bothers you, and build up resentment. And then, you really don’t know how to argue in a functional way.
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You may try the long-distance thing
Because nobody can really meet up in person right now, a lot of people are expanding their geographical search for love. When once they only let dating apps send them matches within a ten-mile radius, now they’ll talk to people within a 75-mile-radius. It’s not like they’re driving there, anyways! For now…what happens when the stay-at-home orders are lifted and you both realize that neither of you wants to drive to the other one?
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He may idealize you
He may idealize you, making you out in his head to be perfect. That’s just what he needs right now. If his life is imperfect during this pandemic, then whether or not you pretend to be flawless, he may put you on a pedestal anyways because that’s what he wants. Of course, that’s not fair to you.
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You can’t feel your chemistry
Chemistry is a real thing. There are chemicals in your body that respond to the chemicals in another person’s body a certain way. It’s in our DNA. You know sometimes you’re instantly drawn to someone, or instantly repulsed by someone, and you don’t know why. That’s chemistry, baby. And you don’t know how yours is with someone, based on an online relationship.
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It’s an escape from your problems
A lot of people just see online relationships as an escape from reality. When the real humans in your life with whom you interact don’t behave just as you want, you lock yourself in your room and message your online boyfriend. But that’s an unhealthy foundation for a relationship.
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Flakiness can hide
It’s so easy for someone to hide if he’s a flake when the relationship exists online or on the phone. It’s fairly easy for someone to be “reliable” when all they have to do is text back or FaceTime you. But in real life, this guy could be a total flake who bails at the last minute all of the time, or is always late. That would be a shame to discover late in the game.
