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I’ve really wondered how this stay-at-home order would play out for new-ish couples. What do you do if you’ve been dating someone for that weird, in-between time where it’s still causal but getting serious, and then you’re forced to make the decision to either stay apart for several months during social distancing, or…move in together? I think a lot of fresh couples faced that dilemma. Maybe they were already spending most nights together, keeping a few items at one another’s places, but they still had their own separate homes. Then, bam, they had to make this decision: to quarantine together, or apart? Those who chose to do it together could be in for a very interesting experience. Quarantining with someone is like putting the relationship on a fast track. You’re suddenly acting like you’re married, cleaning a home and making every meal together. All under the stress of the COVID-19 outbreak.
Sometimes, those new challenges can be good for a relationship as they really show the staying power of the couple. I mean, hey, if they were going to do the long-haul together, they were bound to live together eventually and to face challenges together eventually. Quarantine, and the potential job loss that can come with this pandemic, just means those circumstances happen sooner for some couples rather than later.
My partner and I had been through some stuff before this happened. Long-term unemployment. Loss of a loved one. Depression. So, we were ready for the storm. But it can all be very new for a couple who, just months ago, was in that honeymoon phase when everything is light, easy, fun, and mostly sex. Here are reasons quarantine can break some new couples.
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The need to be on all the time
When you are in a new relationship, you want to be vibrant and energetic and funny and sharp when you’re around your partner. That may be why you schedule your hangs during times you know you’ll be those things and not, for example, right after a three-hour conference call with colleagues you hate or after something stressful. Before, you could control when your partner saw you, and limit it to when you were on. Now, a new couple will be around each other all the time, even when they’re lazy, cranky, and just don’t feel like talking, and the stark shift can be a problem.
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No hiding ugly moods
Eventually, your partner sees all of your moods, including your bad ones. But, there’s typically a slow and natural progression from the phase when they think you’re always lovely and positive, to the time when they understand that sometimes, you’re a handful, or you’re a b*tch. But if a new couple quarantines, it goes from zero to 100, and suddenly, they have to see sides of one another that don’t fit in with the picture they had of each other.
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No hiding bad habits
Whatever those may be. Binge eating. Addictive online shopping. Smoking cigarettes. Talking on the phone all day about absolutely nothing at all. Drinking a six-pack of beer every night. Now, these bad habits will come to the light. And they may show up too early—like before the couple loves each other enough to overlook these habits.
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Maybe they only worked in small doses
Many couples may learn that they really only worked in small doses, and they don’t like each other if they must be together all of the time. Perhaps they’ll learn that the other person just has personality traits that are exciting and even endearing for a little while, but become grating in larger servings.
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Cleanliness standards can differ greatly
Perhaps you knew that your cleanliness standards were different before, but, you weren’t too bothered, as you always had the option of retreating to your own home, where you could have things just the way you like them. If you essentially move in together fast due to the quarantine, you could be forced to try to meld your cleanliness standards, and it could be war.
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And spending habits can be far apart
A new couple may also learn that their spending habits are just so far apart that they lose respect for one another. Maybe one is spend-happy, spending money in a way that the other perceives as irresponsible and wasteful. Or maybe one is so frugal, splitting up grocery receipts down to the penny, that it’s off-putting to the other.
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One or both may suffer depression
Unless you’ve been together for several years, it can be alarming to witness your partner go through a depressive phase. Unless you have that foundation of several happy years together, then when one person becomes depressed, there can be that panic of, “Oh no. Is this person unstable? Is this who they always are?” But depression can be common during this pandemic.
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One or both may suffer job loss
It can also be tough to support someone through a term of unemployment. Long-term, strong couples can do it, but if you’re a fresh couple, it can be overwhelming. If one person loses his or her job, that leaves the other offering support every day to someone spiraling out of control, experiencing severe anxiety and self-doubt. It can be too much for a new couple.
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A sudden death of their sex life
Keeping up their sex life the way they were pre-pandemic can feel just inappropriate during a pandemic. People are sad and worried and not really in the mood to do it much. But a new couple was probably doing it all of the time before the quarantine, so going from all of the time to barely can feel like something is terribly wrong. They aren’t used to the sex droughts that long-term couples are.
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Getting on each other’s nerves
Anybody can get on each other’s nerves if there is no escape from each other. And that’s just the case when you’re quarantined together—you only have each other for company. So those little things, like one snoring, or chewing too loudly, or talking to himself, can drive the other insane.
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Lacking communication to say “You’re on my nerves”
The trouble with a new couple is that they don’t yet have that level of communication that allows them to say, “You’re chewing loudly again. It’s so annoying.” Long-term couples can say it, laugh about it, and get over it. But for a new couple, it feels like the end of the world to have to give your partner this type of feedback. So they don’t give it, and live with it, and get angrier and angrier.
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Inability to say, “I need alone time”
New couples also have a hard time admitting that they just want some alone time. They feel like it’s a bad sign if they don’t want to be with their partner all of the time. They haven’t been together long enough to know that it’s perfectly normal to want time apart, and to just say that to your partner—to take a walk alone, or watch a movie alone, on one’s laptop, one night.
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Generally freaking out about tiny fights
You know how that first relationship fight always feels like a huge deal? Even if it’s over something small, you feel like the relationship is at risk. It’s terrifying. Well, living together comes with tons of micro fights, and it can be too much for a brand new couple to handle. It’s one of the reasons couples should wait years to move in together—they should wait until they’re comfortable having regular disagreements.
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Sleep issues
Sleeping together can be cute and nice, but, it never yields as good of a night’s rest as sleeping alone does. Couples typically need to ease into sharing a bed with someone else every single night. But a new couple doesn’t get that chance if they quarantine together. They go from sleeping together maybe three nights a week to seven, with no break to go to their own home and sleep well. And they can get sleep-deprived and cranky.
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The pressure to be “perfect”
When a relationship is fresh, there is just this pressure to be perfect. Even if you’re pretty comfortable with someone, you still try hard to be your best self all of the time around them. And you have the energy for it, because you get time apart, too, to be your not-best-self. Now that time apart is taken away, and that pressure to be perfect all of the time can be too much to handle.
