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I think someone’s relationship status hugely impacts how she experiences quarantine. You have long-term, committed couples who already lived together before quarantine, and spending quarantine together was a no-brainer. Then you have couples who were committed but were then going through a breakup just as quarantine began (a nightmare, to say the least).
What about the couples that were only beginning to feel serious, but didn’t yet live together, and maybe hadn’t even exchanged “I love you” before the quarantine hit? They either had to choose to spend quarantine apart, or dive right into living together too quickly. How about the cheaters? Ha. They got what they had coming. They literally cannot see their sidepiece – or at least they shouldn’t if they don’t want to risk their partner’s life. And then, there are the truly single.
To be single today means to online date, so that’s one thing that was already happening online before quarantine. But now it’s the only way to date. Here’s a look at what online dating is like during quarantine.
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It’s low pressure
On the one hand, talking to someone online now feels very low pressure. It’s not like you have to give them an answer on, “So, when are we hanging out?” any time soon. Before quarantine, guys typically wanted to know after a couple of phone calls whether or not a real date was going to go down. But now, there’s no such rush.
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But also very high pressure
The pressure feels oddly emotionally high, though, because we all know that the world is going through something difficult right now. Letting a guy down feels extra bad during a time when you know he may already be going through a lot. Each time you start a new conversation with a new guy, there is this question in the air like, “Are you the one who is going to save me from this loneliness?”
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A lot of men are unemployed
“Must be employed” is simply not something you can put on your dating profile now. With so many Americans having lost their jobs due to the COVID-19 pandemic, if you’ll only talk to employed men, you’ll hear crickets for a while. But it’s also created this loophole for men who were unemployed before the pandemic to blame the pandemic, so you just don’t know what the real story is sometimes.
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And unemployed=moody
Unemployed men can have a lot of mood swings. They can be very insecure. They can be sensitive. Their reactions can be unpredictable. Remember that men tie up their identities in their careers, big time. It’s part of the reason they take career setbacks harder than women do. And now a lot of them have lost that sense of identity. They also want to be providers, so they can feel less-than-masculine right now.
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There’s a risk of trauma bonding
You might sense yourself on the verge of trauma bonding with someone. Trauma bonding occurs when you and another person who are both going through something difficult latch onto one another in an unhealthy, codependent way, connecting on the fact that you share and understand each other’s pain. But that’s not a healthy foundation for a relationship.
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You have to get good at phone sex
If things get to that place with a guy, you’re likely not going to meet up in person to have sex (or at least you shouldn’t), so if you want to get physical, you just have to get really good at phone sex. But, that’s something a lot of people aren’t comfortable with or experienced in. You can also develop this fear of, “Well, what if he’s great at phone sex but bad at real sex?”
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When does monogamy begin?
Perhaps, under normal circumstances, if you’d slept with a man several times – perhaps for several weeks – and you discovered he was sleeping with somebody else, you’d feel betrayed. You’d feel there was some understanding that you two were involved. But now, if you’ve only been having phone sex, and you learn he’s doing that with someone else, is that betrayal? It really brings into question this idea of: what is cheating?
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Meetup pressure conflict
This could be the first “fight” you have in this cyber relationship: one person pressures the other to meet up in person. At this point, when one person wants to keep social distancing and the other doesn’t, it’s almost like discovering you belong to different political groups. You just really disrespect what the other one is about, and the conflict can get heated.
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In a way, you get to know each other more
One of the nice things about having no choice but to talk and talk and talk for a long time before meeting up is that you really get to know each other. You don’t do the thing where you meet up and sleep together after only having spoken twice, and then all the hormones and attachment that come into play with sex confuse how you really feel about the person.
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But you can’t fully assess the chemistry
On the other hand, there’s just nothing quite like meeting someone in person to know if the chemistry is there. I can’t tell you how many times I had several amazing phone conversations and video chats with guys, only to finally meet them in person and know instantly that the chemistry wasn’t there. In quarantine, you really just have to hope it’s there when this is all over.
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Things can get couply too quickly
Look, people are lonely right now. They’re frightened. They want companionship. They want socialization. It’s why so many people are getting back with their exes. And it’s why some online daters start behaving as if they’re in a serious relationship, before having met each other, talking all day, every day, calling each other “babe,” and perhaps even saying, “I love you” before ever having met.
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There are some quirky virtual dates
Some guys may want to take you on quirky virtual dates. Technology can allow you to “visit” a restaurant with a view of the Eiffel tower for your dinner date, or virtually stroll around the San Diego Zoo together. But it can be a bit trippy – almost like you live in some futuristic reality that you don’t want to live in.
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There’s anxiety around finally meeting
The longer you keep the contact to online or on the phone, the more anxiety there is around finally meeting in person. What if the person isn’t is attractive in real life? Or as tall? What if the chemistry isn’t there? What if he’s a terrible kisser? Things have been so perfect online: you don’t want to ruin it.
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It’s almost like risking an STD
The conversation around whether or not to meet up in person almost sounds like a conversation about hooking up with someone who may or may not have an STD. “Well how do you know you don’t have it? Well who else have you been with recently? Are you being safe? If you give it to me I’ll be so pissed and I could then give it to other people!”
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The stakes are higher
The stakes surrounding meeting a guy in person are suddenly very high. You aren’t just asking yourself, “Well, do I have enough energy for this date?” or “Do I have time for this?” or “Can my heart handle another disappointment?” You’re also having to ask yourself, “Is this guy worth risking exposure to the virus for?”
