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I have never experienced so many mood swings in my life. Not one menstrual cycle has ever made me feel this unstable. My teenage years, with the hormones and the breakups and my parents’ divorce—those were nothing compared to the eight-loop roller coaster that is my emotions lately.
I think this pandemic has our emotions swinging around, as if through a jungle, trying to grasp at something stable and only just grabbing another vine that just continues to swing unpredictably. We don’t know how to react to the information we are receiving. We don’t have our usual sources of comfort that help keep us balanced, like friendship and ambition. Most of the things that humans need to feel emotionally stable have been taken from us. Socialization. Things to look forward to. The ability to make plans. Some hope that our efforts will lead to something great. A little spontaneity and excitement. So, we’re all going a bit nuts.
If you’ve been feeling you’re so unhinged that you may need to see a therapist, well, first off, we both know you’ll just have to “see” her on Zoom or Skype, second off, go ahead, because therapists are great, but thirdly, know that even some of the strangest mood swings are perfectly normal in the face of this very abnormal situation. Here are extreme mood swings you may be facing during quarantine.
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A false start
Your subconscious mind hasn’t quite yet grasped that there’s only so much that can be done in a day right now. So you wake up with that get-up-and-go, let’s tackle the world, anything is possible mentality. Then you become so deflated when you realize that anything is not possible right now, and there are huge limitations on what you can accomplish or experience under these circumstances.
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Innovation then detonation
You may still have a lot of ambition in you. You feel certain that you can make good use of this time. You come up with several huge projects you want to tackle. You will do things that change your life when this quarantine is over. You attack these projects with what looks like mania. And then…your balloon pops. And you think about the fact that you have no idea idea whether or not your efforts will ever be for anything because you don’t know what world you’ll be returning to.
You think a lot about the people in the hospitals. The patients fighting for their lives. The nurses and doctors risking their lives to save those of others. The people who have lost someone. The people who are hungry. It seems lately you have a level fo sympathy that is debilitating. It makes you freeze and crumble right where you stand every day.
After thinking a lot about those who are suffering, you decide to focus on gratitude. You realize that being sad over things you can’t fix is almost self-indulgent. So you decide instead
to be thankful for what you have. And that’s a lot. So then, you feel very happy–ecstatic. You’re walking on cloud nine. You’re counting your blessings and suddenly feel that nothing is wrong in the world.
Then, you begin to feel guilty. Is it disgusting of you to count your blessings when some people have so little? Is it selfish and egotistical to sit here and think of how beautiful your home is and lucky you are to have savings? Now you just feel bad. You feel very guilty.
You start to panic over how quickly time is passing. This is not how you hoped to spend these days. These weeks. These months. Your heart hurts because you feel that this is lost time you will never get back. You get angry that these months were taken from you.
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Anger that you didn’t enjoy the moment
Next you feel angry with yourself. You and only you decide whether or not these months are wasted. If you stop, be present, live in the moment, be productive, and focus on the little things, then nothing about this time is wasted. And now, of course, you’re upset with yourself for the time you wasted not appreciating the moment. Ugh.
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A happy sense of free falling
Sometimes you feel like you’re free falling through space and time. You feel light and dizzy and giddy and strange in a fun way. Hey, your old life is gone which means all the stress and struggles and pretense and rules. There is something liberating and exciting about that.
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Followed by full-blow panic
Then the other side of the free falling sets in. You’re panicked. What will catch you? What are you falling towards? Are you falling up or down? There are no more rules or pretense but is that a good thing? You suddenly realize we’re all moving into the unknown.
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Total irritation with your housemate
The person with whom you are quarantined is, you’ve decided, the most insufferable person alive. He eats loudly. He breathes loudly. His habits are weird. His moods are weird. Everything about him drives you insane. You brace yourself when he walks in the room because you are certain he will bother you.
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Followed by gushing over your housemate
Next, you feel terribly bad. That’s just your own stuff you’re projecting onto your housemate–your loving, cuddly, funny, devoted, kind housemate. How could you think so badly of this person you love so much?! Now you’re smothering your housemate so much he’s not sure what’s happening.
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An odd sense that it’s all fake
Where you sit–in your home–it’s quiet. It’s hard to believe there are hospitals filled with cries and foot traffic and screaming and tears. It’s hard to believe anything bad is happening anywhere. Then you have this eerie feeling: is it all fake? All along, has there been nothing wrong? If you went out, would you find it’s all a hoax?!
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Then terrible dread over the threat
Then you’re very much reminded that it’s not a hoax. While things feel quiet at home, if you were to go into the frontlines of this thing, you would be reminded in the most awful way that this thing is real and brutal and heartless and ugly.
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Depression that has you on the edge
There will be depression. It may be greater than any depression you’ve felt in your life. You may worry because you don’t normally reach that level of depression. You can feel that you won’t come back. You’re going over the edge. You’ve lost touch with your usual happy self. You’re gone. This is the new you.
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Then, you’re fine
Then, just like that, you’re back. Your emotions have stabilized. You’re happy. You have a grasp on things. You know you will get through this. You want to laugh. You want to chat with your housemate. You don’t even know who that depressed person was who was just here an hour ago.
