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The older I get, the more I come to appreciate those who just live and let live. So much of the tension that exists in any of my relationships—from romantic to platonic to familial—stems from the fact that somebody won’t let someone else just be. I’ll admit that sometimes, that someone is me. I can, at times, get too involved in the lives of my loved ones. I can overstep my bounds. I can stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. If I feel that someone I love is making a mistake, or at least not doing things in the best way possible, it’s hard for me not to want to step in. But, people don’t always want my assistance, and offering it—unsolicited—can just lead to fights.
It’s funny that I have struggled to learn when to lay off because I, personally, have been on the other side of unwanted opinions and I know how much it bothers me. There have been several long stretches of time when I didn’t speak to a friend or family member because I just got so tired of them trying to control my life. But, being young, I was self-centered often, and only thought about how others’ actions bothered me, without realizing that sometimes I was guilty of the same thing.
Today, I really respect those who have mastered the art of live and let live. It makes for a pretty peaceful existence. I understand that, in some cases, you have to step in—you have to push things to go a certain way. We can’t have a totally hands-off approach to the behaviors of others because they can affect us sometimes. But I’ll also say that we often try to interfere too much in things that, ultimately, aren’t our problem or our business. Here’s what it really means to live and let live.
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Let people learn from their mistakes
There is almost no more impactful way to learn an important lesson than through a mistake. You can try to warn someone that if they take action X, result Y will happen. But, they will probably always toy with the idea of trying action X until they learn the hard way—through experience—that it’s a bad idea. There’s something about the sting of a mistake that sticks with us, and stops us from repeating that mistake.
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Some mistakes must be repeated
Know that some people need to make the same mistake over and over again before learning the lesson. Some people only learn through patterns. They have to see that, the negative consequences of one action weren’t just a fluke, but rather the thing that will always happen if they do that thing. Don’t get frustrated with someone for repeating a mistake once or twice. Most of the time, they’ll learn the lesson after that second or third time.
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Give advice, but not homework
If you want to give someone some advice, do so gently. Use a tone that makes it sound like this is a suggestion, but that it is not the only correct way to do something. Offer the advice as a gift, with no strings attached. Don’t confirm and double check that the person took your advice. Give it, and leave it.
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Ask yourself if it affects you
Before really trying to interfere with someone’s actions, ask yourself if those actions affect your life. Often, you’ll find that they don’t. Very few other people and very few actions of other people truly impact our day-to-day experience. However, picking a fight always impacts our day-to-day experience. So ask yourself if it’s worth it. You’ll often find that it’s not.
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Simply ask for boundaries
If someone’s mistakes have the potential to impact you, but that person refuses to make a change, you can simply ask for boundaries. For example, I have a friend who is in a rather toxic relationship. On two occasions, she cancelled on me at the last minute because she got in a fight with her partner. I finally said to her, “You know my feelings about that relationship. I can’t make you end it, but I can and am going to ask that you don’t allow that relationship to affect what kind of friend you are to me. If you cancel on me again because you’re fighting with your boyfriend, we can’t be friends.”
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Never say, “I told you so”
There is never a point in saying, “I told you so.” If you did, in fact, tell someone that this very thing would happen if they took a certain action, and then it did, they already know that you told them so. Reiterating it only makes it seem like you are now taking joy in their downfall. At this point, your friend needs comfort and support—not smugness.
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Know that life is unpredictable
Life has this beautiful way of fixing itself sometimes. I remember after my mom’s divorce, she was so depressed, and I felt she wasn’t taking care of herself. I wanted to force her to see friends. I wanted to make her go on a vacation. I wanted her to double down on therapy. I was trying to fix things. Then, my mom just…went to a luncheon where she met a man who would eventually become my stepdad. He made her laugh. They stayed in touch. The rest is history. Sometimes, the universe is sending help and you don’t even know it.
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It probably won’t ruin their life
Whatever mistake you see a loved one making, the truth is that it probably won’t ruin their life. What does it even mean to have a life ruined? How often do you even really see that happen? Even when we feel someone lives in a way that we really don’t like, we can rarely say their life is ruined. It’s just…a little flawed. My friend married the totally wrong dude, but, she has a successful business and good friends. Her life is far from ruined.
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What works for one doesn’t work for all
Know that just because one lifestyle or way of doing things wouldn’t work for you doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. You don’t really know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. Maybe you know a couple who, for example, is in an open marriage. You could never do it, and you fear it will destroy them. They’re certain it won’t. But you aren’t them. They aren’t you. There are many reasons couples get into that sort of thing that you may not understand.
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If someone’s happy, that’s enough
Sometimes, things don’t have to be that complicated. If you’re looking at the way someone is living her life, rather than nitpick at every detail and focus on ways she could improve, ask yourself this: is she happy? Maybe you don’t understand your friend’s choice in partner, career, living situation—you name it. But, does she seem genuinely happy? Okay so…maybe let it be?
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Live in a way you’re proud of
It’s amazing how just focusing on living in a way in which you’re proud to live, and taking real steps towards being a leader in your particular path and a proponent of your values, makes you less concerned with what everyone else is up to. Sometimes, living and letting others live comes easily when you focus on the living part—living your way, enthusiastically.
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Mirror a loved one’s feelings
When deciding how to respond to something a loved one tells you or how a loved one is living, just ask yourself how she is responding. If a loved one is telling you that she is extremely excited to move in with a partner, then show excitement for her. If she’s telling you she feels sadness around a new job, then show concern. Even if, deep down, you feel differently about this person’s decision, it helps open up the lines of communication to first show empathy and get on board with her feelings. It shows you understand where she’s coming from.
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Don’t smother relationships
That old saying about, “If you love someone, let them free…” holds true in so many ways. Don’t smother your relationships. Don’t keep trying to make plans with the friend who is too busy to see you. Try once or twice, then say, “It seems like you’re busy lately. I’d love to see you when you’re available, so I’ll just let you let me know when that is.”
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Be generous without reserve
While you shouldn’t smother relationships, you should be generous without reserve. Give love and affection and complements and favors because you want to. Don’t ask yourself if you give away power by doing so. You only grow and grow power by being loving. It shows you are brave, and that you don’t fear you lose something by being generous.
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If it’s not reciprocated, that’s okay
Of course, if you are in a situation where you are doing all of the giving, and it is clear that the recipient isn’t grateful and never attempts to reciprocate, it’s okay to stop giving. That’s a part of the living part. You need to hold onto some of your love for yourself. Sometimes that means not giving it to others who aren’t sending it back.
