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We see it a lot, don’t we? Someone who so clearly wants to love someone else—someone who is good, kind, trustworthy, marriage material—but he just…doesn’t. Or she just doesn’t (Hello Jessica and Mark of “Love Is Blind.” You know Mark is a sweetie and Jessica just hadn’t outgrown her bad boy phase yet!) I don’t want to say that there is ever an excuse for anybody to string someone along, but I do understand one of the not-so-evil reasons it happens sometimes.
People string others along for many reasons. Sometimes, those reasons are very selfish—like they just want that person around as a booty call/back up when their first choice falls through, or they get a sick thrill out of having someone pine after them. But sometimes, the heart and head are just conflicted. The head understands that the person right there, loving you, is good. On paper, she has all the traits one would want. Anybody would be lucky to have this person! The parents would certainly approve. All the friends love her! When all of these pieces are there, but that spark isn’t, sometimes, we just try to force the spark. We lie to ourselves. We want to want what’s good for us. So, we stick around to see if our feelings can change—evolve.
If you are the one being strung along by a man who, in many ways shows you affection and respect but clearly isn’t mad about you, you may be in this very situation. You may be with a man who wants to love you, but doesn’t. The appeal to stay is certainly there. You can think, “Well, if he wants to be in love with me then he just…will!” But people aren’t in control of their emotions like that. They might be able to control how they express what they feel, but not what they feel. And you’ll always know it if he just doesn’t feel it. Here are signs he wants to love you, but doesn’t.
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He’s at all your events
He has perfect attendance at your events. Your new product line launches at a store, and he’s the first one there, and the last one to leave. It’s your sibling’s husband’s birthday party. He’s there, helping serve drinks. People would presume this man was quite devoted to you. You certainly aren’t the woman who has to go to events stag, even though she has a man.
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But he keeps to himself
Even though he’s at all of your events, he’s reserved around your friends. People will say things to him like, “You and your girlfriend are so cute together!” and he’ll say, “Ha, thanks” and change the subject. He lets you do most of the talking. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to make people falsely believe he’s crazy about you, or get their hopes up. But also…he is there.
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He does you favors
When you’re sick, he brings you soup, picks up some fever reducer, and all the things a partner should do when caring for you. He’ll pick up your dry cleaning. He’ll take your dog to the groomers when you get caught up at work. He’ll get your car washed for you. Honestly, he’s about as helpful and generous as they come.
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But doesn’t want the gratitude
When you try to say to your partner, “Oh my gosh, you’re the greatest, you’re seriously the best boyfriend, how do I make it up to you?” he gets very uncomfortable. He refuses to let you make it up to him. That could be because, by doing those nice things for you, it was him trying to make something up to you—perhaps the fact that he can’t fully love you.
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He’ll meet your family
He’ll spend time with your family. In fact, he really likes your family and they really like him. When they come to visit, he’s at every brunch and museum outing and beach walk. He’s very nice to your family, helping your mom figure out how to use her iPhone and helping your dad fix things around the home.
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But he won’t take their generosity
He refuses to accept any generosity from your parents. They’ll want to buy you two a very generous gift, or take you on a vacation. He refuses it. He gets even a bit irritated if you push the issue. He may just feel guilty at the idea that they may spend all of this money on a man who may not always be around. He doesn’t want to accrue any favors he won’t stick around to pay back.
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He compliments you with questions
When he compliments you, it sounds like he’s asking a question. He says things like, “You’re so…kind. Why are you so kind?” or “You’re beautiful. Nobody can argue that you’re gorgeous.” He looks confused when he says these things. He may just be having a conversation with himself, trying to talk himself into love you—or asking himself why he can’t.
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But won’t accept your compliments
While he showers you with compliments, he won’t take yours. You try to tell him the things you like about him, and he combats them. You tell him he’s thoughtful, and he lists all the ways he isn’t. You tell him he’s successful, and he tells you all the ways he’s failing. It’s as if he wants to talk you out of loving him.
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He tries to give you an out
On a few occasions, he has suggested that you may want to end the relationship. He’s listed the ways he’s messed up as a boyfriend, and said that he’d totally understand if you didn’t want to date him anymore. It’s like he wants to find a way for this to end, without having to be the one to end it
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When you ask if he wants out
When you reply by asking, “I don’t want out but, do you?” he becomes defensive. “Me? No. Never. Why would I want out? That’s crazy. I’d be crazy to leave you,” he says. It sounds again as if he’s just arguing with himself, and convincing himself he wants so stay in this thing.
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He doesn’t look at you in that way
You know the way. You’ve seen other men look at other women that way. There are those couples who are absolutely nuts about one another. And they look at each other like they cannot believe they were lucky enough to find each other, and like their partner is truly the greatest gift ever given to this earth. He doesn’t look at you that way.
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He looks at you like a good friend
He looks at you like a friend. Or a sibling. He thinks the things you do are sweet. He thinks you’re funny. He finds you admirable. He respects you. But that look of head-over-heels, maddening love just isn’t in his eyes. It’s a calm look. It’s measured and nice. But you don’t want measured and nice. You want a man to look at you like he wants to devour you.
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His last relationship was toxic/passionate
He says his last relationship was very toxic. There was a lot of screaming. It was tumultuous. They would get in an all-out brawl, and then jet off to a romantic vacation to recover from it. You’ve picked up on the fact that it was passionate, but unhealthy. It hurt him deeply. He’s a bit traumatized from it.
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He reiterates he doesn’t want that
He often reiterates how happy he is that this relationship with you is nothing like his past relationship. He assures you he never wants anything like that again, and how nice it is to be in something peaceful, calm, and reasonable. Right…reasonable. That’s how everyone describes the greatest love stories.
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You just feel it
Come on you have a woman’s intuition. Listen to it more. You can try to rationalize and reason and explain all you want, but at the end of the day, you know whether or not this man is hooked on you. You know, in your gut, how he’d react if you walked away. Would he be devastated and do anything to get you back? Or do you suspect that he’d be…relieved?
