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I’m not sure why, but it can take men a little bit longer to just get some of the basics of life-maintenance together than women. You can already see it starting in college. Drive down sorority row of any campus. The homes are pristine. The front lawns are manicured. The girls are jogging and doing yoga outside, and carrying bags in from healthy stores like Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Then drive down fraternity row. The front yards are yellowed from beer (and who knows what else), and generally covered in tattered furniture. You see bed sheets acting as curtains, and recycling bins that won’t close because they’re spilling over with pizza boxes and vodka handles. It’s 10am, and everyone is asleep, and those who aren’t, are up on the roof shot-gunning beers. At 10am. I’m not saying that this is true of every sorority house or every fraternity house…but it’s pretty close, and you know it.
What is it about women that just makes us a little more on it when it comes to simple things like keeping calendars, stocking our refrigerators with healthy foods, an things like that? We’re proven to mature faster. What I do know is that, because there can be that delay for men, there are always those awkward years for most women when they’ll date dudes who just don’t yet have their lives together. Honestly, it’s either that or dating much older dudes (which isn’t necessarily the worst thing). I know I took on a couple of projects in my early twenties. I didn’t realize they were projects. I just thought, “This is how men are.”
It wasn’t until I started seeing men who had their lives together that I realized what disasters my previous boyfriends were. If you aren’t sure whether you are or aren’t dating a man who has his sh*t together, here are the signs of one who doesn’t.
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His friends are his “doctors”
He doesn’t have a doctor. His last checkup was…whenever his mother made him get one when he still lived at home. As for now, you ask him, “Who is your doctor? I’ll make an appointment.” And he says, “I just ask my friends for medical advice. Like if I get a rash, Tod will look at it. And Michael is pre-med so he checked out a weird thing on my balls.”
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He has to wait for direct deposit to hit
On many, many occasions, he cannot buy something because he is waiting for his direct deposit to hit. That means he has absolutely no savings, whatsoever. But even more sadly, is that the moment that deposit does hit, he will spend it on something like…a trip to Vegas or…a limited edition pair of Jordans or…sky diving. Meanwhile, he may not be able to make rent this month.
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No, wait, he doesn’t have a bank account
Maybe things are quite dire. Maybe this guy doesn’t have a bank account. He doesn’t need one because he works a sketchy job that will only pay him in cash, so he just stuffs his money in a shoebox beneath his bed. You’ve tried to encourage him to open an account—you offered to go with him—but he also, apparently, lost his ID a long time ago and hasn’t done anything about that.
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His furniture was all donated
His home is, well, probably filled with four other dudes because he has a ton of roommates. And the décor is…it’s not décor. It’s just a mish-mash of chairs, couches, pillows, and odd tables donated from friends who do have it together, and needed to get rid of this stuff to move into their newer, nice home. None of his chairs match. There is tape on his couch, holding in the stuffing.
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His idea of a date spot is…
When he says he’s taking you out, that means you are going to a chain restaurant. Chipotle. El Pollo Loco. Subway. Olive Garden. Perfectly fine establishments in their own right, but he doesn’t even know about the other restaurants out there. He really had no idea that there were hundreds of small, unique places to dine in your city.
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Or a great date has a catch
He gets you two on a romantic booze cruise. The only catch is you have to sit in this little tiny dock up by the captain’s chair not on the big, pretty deck with the other customers. Why? Because you aren’t paying customers. His buddy drives the boat as a weekend job and snuck you on. Also, you have to bring a flask and your own snacks.
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His wallet is a rubber band
The man does not have a real wallet. You try to buy him wallets. He says he has no use for them. He just has tons of bills and coupons, strapped together in a wad within a rubber band. Or perhaps he just keeps these in a little Zip-Lock baggy. Or he doesn’t bring money anywhere and just asks everyone to front him.
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He doesn’t understand why bad things happen
He is completely dumbfounded as to why bad things happen in his life. He doesn’t understand why he got fired (perhaps for taking a nap right at the cash register where customers were waiting?) He doesn’t understand why he got kicked out of his apartment (perhaps for being late on rent three times in a row?) He doesn’t put the pieces together that his life is a consequence of his own actions.
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He still brings laundry home
He doesn’t really know how to do laundry. He lets it pile up, and just brings it home twice a year to his parents’ house. If he really needs clean sheets, he just buys a new set from a discount store. Same goes for underwear. You tried taking him to a laundry mat but he kept getting distracted and forgetting to turn his clothes over, and the other patrons get angry.
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He’s always in trouble at work
He still sees work as this thing he has to do in order to get by, but doesn’t want to do. He isn’t thinking about a career. He just wants to clock in and clock out and put in the bare minimum. He doesn’t understand why his boss gets mad when he clocks out at exactly 5pm, then ignores a phone call that comes in at 5:01pm. “I was clocked out!” he says. He doesn’t realize how that shows a slacker mentality. He’s certainly not anywhere near getting promoted.
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He always needs a ride
Because his car got towed. Or it’s in the shop. Or it’s broken and he can’t afford to fix it. Or he lent it to a friend who said he’d return it by now but didn’t. Or he can’t afford gas right now. Or his license is suspended. Or he can’t afford to pay for his vehicle registration. Or there is a boot on his car. There’s always something standing in the way of this dude just driving himself somewhere.
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His kitchen is empty
You can never find the most basic things that you need. He has pasta, but no pot to boil anything. He has tons of canned food, but no can opener. In the way of silverware, he just has plastic spoons. He has coffee and filters, but never got around to buying a pot. There was just no planning whatsoever put into his kitchen.
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His neighbors are mad at him
He’s always in some fight with his neighbors. They’re always pissed at him, so he says. But they seem like reasonable people…As you pry, you start to realize that they’re justified in being upset. He let his friend take one of their parking spots, and the two just bounced for half a day, leaving his neighbor nowhere to park. Or he was playing the drums at 2am on a…well, any day. There is no good day for that.
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He doesn’t keep a calendar
The man does not keep a calendar. “I’ll remember” he says. Or he writes it on a napkin or a receipt or the back of some mail. “That piece of mail was important…” you tell him. “Oh, it’s okay, they’ll send me another one!” he replies. As to be expected, he often forgets about important things, like the fact that he’s your plus-one to a wedding.
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The inside of his car is a nightmare
Fast food wrappers everywhere. Something sticky on the seat. A bunch of pillows and clothes in the back. Empty beer cans in the trunk. The back window doesn’t roll up anymore but he hasn’t done anything about that. You watch it all happen when you ride around with him—you see him ball up that foil his burger came in and just shove it in his glove compartment.
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