Your Partner And Your Sibling With Borderline Personality Disorder
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If you have a sibling with borderline personality disorder, then you’ve likely already gotten accustomed to the challenges that can come with. Your family understands the rhythm. When it comes to discussing your sibling, you all have a shorthand. You know when she’s having a manic episode. You know what to do—sort of, to the best of your ability—and what not to do. You recognize the signs. You can go to each other to talk about it. You also recognize the signs of her depressive episodes. You have her therapist’s name and phone number (and she perhaps has yours). Everyone is up to date on what is going on and how to help your sibling live in a functional manner. It took years, but perhaps, as a family, you got your system down as good as you could. Maybe you even had some distance from his sibling for a while, but you put in the work to patch things up because it’s worth it.
Once you bring your romantic partner into the mix—the one you’ll marry, are married to, live with, or just know will be rather serious—that’s one more person who needs to be on-boarded into this delicate situation. It can be overwhelming at first, as an outside, to enter a family in which one of the members has borderline personality disorder. Think of your relationship with your partner’s siblings. You want a good one. Those are basically your backups when it comes to handling the parents-in-law. Your partner’s siblings are some of his closest friends, hopefully. And so, you want to be their friend, too. So now think of the fact that your partner hopes for such a relationship with your sibling, who has borderline personality disorder. It’s not so easy. There are some things to be prepared for.
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At first, she’ll be on her best behavior
It’s common for those with borderline personality to be on their best behavior when a new person enters the picture. Understanding that, this individual may have been warned about their condition, the person suffering from BPD may want to combat that by being as positive, sweet, quick-to-laugh, and charming as possible around your partner. At first, he may say to you, “I don’t understand what you mean about your sister—she seems amazing!”
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Don’t get upset; just wait
It can be hard, at first, to have your partner question your assessment of your sibling. Well, it’s really a therapist’s assessment (possibly many therapist’s). But, nonetheless, you can feel like a monster at first when your partner confronts you and says your stories about your sibling seem unfounded. But, just wait. For better or for worse, your sibling with BPD will not manage to stay on her best behavior forever. She will have an episode. And your partner will see exactly what you mean.
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She may try to tarnish your reputation
It’s hard to explain to your partner that, there may come a point when your sibling may go to him and tell him terrible things about you that are not true. Or, at the very least, don’t tell the whole story. If she’s having an episode, she might turn on you and, as a result, try to turn your partner against you. You have to prepare your partner for this.
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She may use him to her advantage
It’s hard to get your partner up to speed fast enough on the rules. Rules like, don’t lend my sibling with BPD tons of money, or don’t let her drink too much alcohol. There are things that you know end badly for her, but your partner doesn’t know that. And your sibling with BPD may use that to her advantage, and go to him for certain things.
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Preparing him for travel
So your partner might be coming along on some family vacations. You know, at this time, that traveling with a person with BPD can be very challenging. If an episode occurs, it can ruin the entire trip for everyone else. You feel bad that your partner may spend all this money and take this time off work for this trip because you know that, at some point, a figurative bomb may go off with your sibling. And it will be nearly impossible for the others on the trip to enjoy themselves.
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He can’t take it personally
When your sibling becomes comfortable with your partner, that’s when he gets in the hot seat and could be the target of some of her episodes. You know that, one day, she’ll completely go off on your partner. He’ll look like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what he’s done wrong, and desperately trying to explain himself to her, ask her what he did, or make amends.
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He just has to wait
It’s hard to explain to your partner that, he did nothing wrong, even though your sibling’s anger felt so real. And your sibling certainly seemed to feel justified in it. Your partner may need to learn on his own that chasing your sibling down and trying to make things right, while she’s still having an episode, will only waste his energy. He just has to wait for her to come out of it, realize she was having an episode, and apologize to him—which you know she will.
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Your whole family can feel guilty
You and the rest of your family are used to venting to one another about this sibling. You have to just to get by when you have a family member with BPD. You know her disorder is hard on her, but you have to admit that it’s hard on all of you. So sometimes, you need to talk and even laugh about it. But you know, to your partner who is new to this whole thing, you can all seem like monsters for talking behind your sibling’s back.
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One day, he’ll need to, as well
One day, your partner will have had enough difficult experiences with your sibling that he, too, will need to chime in when your entire family is venting about that sibling. His eyes will light up when he realizes how important it is to just be able to release some of the stress around the situation by talking to the rest of the family about it. He’ll realize you all aren’t evil. You’re just getting by, any way you can.
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She may confide in him
It’s common for someone with BPD to confide things in a newcomer, and ask him not to tell anyone, as a form of creating some bond. It’s a bit manipulative, but it’s part of the disorder. So your sibling may tell your partner that, for example, she’s started smoking again, has stopped going to therapy, or has started sleeping with a problematic ex again. And then she’ll ask him not to tell anybody. It will flatter him at first, because he’ll feel like she trusts him.
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Don’t be angry over the secrecy
It will eventually come out that your partner knew about this. You may be angry—fuming, even—and insist, “You should have told us! We need to know these things right away. It’s the only way we can help her!” But try to understand that, he didn’t understand the severity of the situation, and he just wanted to win brownie points with your sibling—a fact that she very much took advantage of.
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It can be hard on him; give him a break
When your partner is fully on board and understands the situation—once he’s been present for some of your sibling’s worst episodes—you might see him start to get tired and stressed. You and your family are used to this level of turbulence. You’ve lived with it all of your sibling’s life. But it’s new to your partner. Tell him it’s okay if he needs to just go take some time to himself. Maybe he needs to sit out this Friday’s family dinner. That’s alright.
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He’ll suggest treatment
Your partner will reach the same point you and the rest of your family did years ago. He’ll think if he can just help your sibling—fix her—then everyone can have a nice time. So he’ll start researching therapists and support groups and medications. Sadly, he’ll find that she tried all of those already. You were all present for it. It didn’t work. He has to embrace that, like you all, he’s a bit helpless in the situation.
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It’s hard for him to know what’s real
Compulsive lying can be a part of BPD. So your partner can struggle to know what’s real. When your sibling tells him that she got a job working for a celebrity, or that she got engaged, he might, at first, want to throw a huge celebration for her. He doesn’t understand why the rest of you are sitting around, rolling your eyes. You know it will eventually be revealed that, she isn’t engaged. One man she spoke to on the Internet a few times said she was wife material, and she turned that into, “I’m engaged.”
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They’ll have their good moments
During times of peace—between manic or depressive episodes—your partner can experience your sibling for who she is. They’ll have some good times. He’ll realize she’s a good person who is just affected by a terrible disorder. You’ll tell him to remember those times when she’s acting up. That’s what you all do to keep yourselves from pulling your hair out.
