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Everybody hopes to grow old with their spouse. When people tie the knot, they generally think of being side by side together in rocking chairs, being well into their eighties, perhaps enjoying a peaceful life of bridge and tea hour with the other residents of their retirement community. Or they think of a slightly peppier retirement spent at golf clubs and chasing around grandchildren. Either way, when you get married that first time, you hope it will be the last time, and you hope to see grey hairs with this person. In reality, for many individuals, that first wedding really is just that—the first in a string of many. They don’t see one spouse through their forties or fifties. They have a different one for every phase of life, or perhaps get one divorce and never want to trust or love someone again.
Making it a long, long time together—like several decades—is quite rare for couples. So what’s the secret of those who make that work? I’m not talking about couples who are still together but miserable, and just won’t split up for some sad reasons, like not wanting to date again, fear of the financial fallout, or upsetting their children. I’m talking about couples who are really, truly happy together after decades of being married. What’s the secret ingredient there? None of the couples I know who have made it a long time appear, at first glance, extraordinary. They don’t have some Zen-like wisdom about them. If I lined them up next to the divorced couples I know, I couldn’t pinpoint anything that stood out about any of them. But clearly they’re doing something differently than the many, many couples out there who have to sign divorce papers. So I sat down and spoke to some of the couples in my life who have been together for 30 years or more and asked them what marriage advice they have, that they fear isn’t given out enough.
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Bite your tongue twice a day
A handful of times a day, you’ll find yourself really wanting to clap back at your partner—to argue with something he said, to settle the score, or to defend your ego. Don’t do it. At least two of those times, bite your tongue. You may handle the argument that ensues if you speak your mind some of the time in these instances, but biting your tongue twice a day will really minimize conflict.
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Sleep in separate rooms
I was happy to hear this one because my partner and I have already been doing this for a couple of years and we’ve already seen the benefits. While it may not be right for all couples, any couple who struggles to get a good night’s rest as a direct result of sharing a bed with a partner can quickly see how sleeping in separate rooms can yield surprising benefits to your relationship.
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Get away often
However you can. Even if you haven’t got much money, go to a town that’s just a two-hour drive away and stay in a motel. Visit out-of-town friends when you can. Go camping. And if you can afford a higher-end vacation, go for it. Everything in real life just works to distract you and your partner from your unique, fun, genuine connection. Vacation helps you find that again.
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Have a dumb show
Have some stress-free, mindless show you watch together on those weeknights when you’re too burnt out from work to talk, but do want to spend time together. Watch a cooking competition show or a home decorating show. You’re still being together, and experiencing something together, while getting to turn your brains off.
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Create boundaries with relatives
You must keep relatives from messing up your relationship and overstepping their boundaries. I heard this piece of advice from many couples. There may be times when this means telling a relative to back off because that’s what your partner wants, even when you don’t necessarily agree. Your relationship must be sacred. Honestly, most of your relatives will get it. They may not like it at first, but they’ll get it.
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Keep growing as an individual
Maintain an interesting, vibrant, active, enriching life as an individual so you have something to talk about. If you lead an interesting life, then you and your partner will have fun conversations. If you, however, let your life grow boring, that can breed codependency and anxiety.
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Remember your flaws
Every time you want to point out something your partner does wrong, stop and count your flaws. Consider times you may have done the same thing. It will help you approach this issue with a softer tone. It can even help to start with, “I know I do a similar thing when I insert behavior here” just to remind him you know you aren’t perfect.
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Just take the note. Don’t argue.
When he gives you a note, don’t get defensive. Don’t make excuses. Don’t remind him of everything he does wrong. Just smile and take it. If he asks if you could empty the dish drainer a bit more because he’s been doing it every day for weeks, don’t remind him that you do most of the laundry. That gets you nowhere. Just smile and say, “Sure thing.” Later, at a different time (so it doesn’t feel like you’re keeping score), you can bring up the laundry.
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Have sex, even when you’re not in the mood
You’ll get in the mood. You know that if you stop having that dumb argument about whose fault it is that you don’t have sex or who did or didn’t make someone feel attractive and just get in bed naked and start kissing, your bodies will do the talking. Then after, you’ll feel connected, and won’t remember why you ever argued about who initiates sex more.
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Eliminate bad friends
You’ll need to keep your relationship safe from intrusive relatives and problematic friends. For example, if your most beloved girlfriend has a terrible husband who nobody likes to be around, do everything and anything you can to get your partner out of double dates with them.
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Know you don’t have to share all friends
Understand that you don’t have to like all of each other’s friends. You will both have a friend—or perhaps a couple—who rub the other the wrong way. You, separately, know that your partner just doesn’t understand your friend. That’s okay. You don’t need to force the issue. Just go have one-on-one time with that friend and let it be that easy.
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Don’t compartmentalize
Don’t make the mistake of putting your life in boxes, with career stuff in this box, family stuff in that one, social life in this one, and relationship in this other, never to have the contents of the boxes interact. Your partner should be a part of and experience every part of your life, as you should his. Though some separation (like the separate friends thing) is okay, you don’t want total separation.
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Make each other laugh a lot
Maybe you expected this one, but it’s worth mentioning that every couple I spoke to brought it up. And I watch them live it. It seems that the goal of every conversation they have is to make each other laugh. And they’re right because, most of life isn’t really that big of a deal.
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Do not revisit old fights
Don’t do it. No matter how tempting, and no matter how much it would help you prove your point right now, do not revisit old fights. It never ends well. The other person loses trust in you when it appears you’ve just been stocking up ammo and keeping count of his mistakes.
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Know when to put your marriage first
And that means exactly how it sounds. You won’t always be able to put your marriage first, because doing that would mean you had no life of your own, which would make you depressed and resentful. But there will also be times you must put your marriage first, above your individual wants. Learn to do that dance gracefully.
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