Realizations That Helped Me Recover From An Eating Disorder - Page 3

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I need to start by saying that I am not a licensed therapist and if you are someone struggling with an eating disorder, seeking help from a professional can be an important part of your overall plan to get better. I say a part of the plan because I believe that recovering from an eating disorder takes a village and multiple tools. I saw a therapist when I was in recovery, and he helped me tremendously. He helped me understand some of the emotional trauma that hid beneath the physical manifestation that was my eating disorder. Without question, there were some discoveries I needed a therapist to help me make.

Now, all of that being said, if I can be 100 percent honest about what really pushed me over the edge from in recovery to recovered, it was certain realizations that I had on my own, and that friends, family, and even coworkers helped me discover. When it came down to it, no matter how wonderful my therapist was, what was truly impactful to me was talking to someone else who had been through an eating disorder. Only those who’ve also suffered one understand the way that my mind works.

There is not just one path to recovery, and my theories and ideas may not appeal to everybody. In fact, some may find them a bit offensive, or even ridiculously simple. But please try not to judge me. All I want is to share the many concepts that came to me during my recovery that really helped me. In the end, all that matters is that the person suffering gets better. Even if done so by unconventional means, or just through developing some thinking patterns that may seem a little imperfect. I know it isn’t always easy for grown women to talk about this stuff, since we may associate it with our younger years, but eating disorders in women well over 30 do happen. So for anyone who needs to hear it, here are realizations that helped me recover from my eating disorder.

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There is a range to skinny

I started looking at women who were also my height, but who were 20, 30, and even 40 pounds heavier than myself and still registered as slim. Anyone with eyes would describe them as “thin” or “in shape.” While in an ideal world we wouldn’t be fixated on being “thin,” if you’re at a place where anything that can help is a good thing, maybe you need to know that you could put on quite a bit of weight and still be in the same weight range.

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Your body will work it out

I recall that I actually really wanted to put on weight, but I worried it would go to the wrong places—like just my tummy and my face. And I am here to tell you that, yes, at first, it often does. But the female body has a way of working things out and knowing where to put things. Eventually, the weight redistributed, and it went mostly to my butt and boobs, right where I wanted it. The bloated face thing didn’t last forever.

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It’s better to be fun than thin

I remember being my ideal weight (which was way too thin), and wondering why women who were thicker than me got the guys I wanted. Then I realized: oh, they actually have fun, and do things like, go out for beer and hot dogs and don’t turn off the lights during sex. They were living, breathing proof that men do look for a good personality over a perfect physique.

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And being thin usually isn’t fun

Meanwhile, I was no fun when I was thin. I didn’t want to spend the night at my boyfriend’s house, because I wanted to be up at 6 am to run five miles and have my very specific, low-calorie breakfast. I wasn’t spontaneous or adventurous. Ultimately, I either got to be fun or have this “perfect” body. I had to choose.

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Your body is a vessel

Your body is not just something to look at. Your body is the reason you get to wake up every day and feel and experience things. What do you enjoy doing? Whatever it is, your body lets you do it, and you are torturing that wonderful gift that only exists to help you, by not taking care of it.

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The food will be back

For me, a lot of the reason I would binge was the idea that, “If I don’t eat this entire tray of brownies right now I won’t get to have brownies ever again.” That’s not true. Once I started really embodying the idea that I could have a brownie (or whatever the “bad” food was) any time I wanted, I didn’t feel compelled to overdo it.

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How long can you really do this?

I had to get real with myself and understand that I would not, forever, be able to get up at 6am and run five miles. I would not forever be able to be so thin. As I got older, osteoporosis would be a risk. Blood sugar and cardiac health would be an issue. So if I understood I’d have to give it up one day then why not…today?

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And it isn’t getting easier

I used to tell myself that my body would just adjust to only eating about 800 calories a day and running miles and miles every morning. You may be telling yourself that too, right? But…it isn’t adjusting is it? Nope. It doesn’t get easier. It hurts a lot constantly. That’s because it’s not right for your body.

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There’s so much more to do

My eating disorder was standing in the way of some of my goals. Is it standing in the way of some of yours? There is so much more that is worthy of our attention and energy than being thin. It’s really such a silly thing to dedicate so much time to. I came to understand that I wouldn’t start to work towards my real life goals until I stopped dedicating all of my thoughts to my physical appearance.

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Curves are fun

They really are. They are so much fun! For anyone out there who is naturally thin and has a toned tummy, I’m not throwing shade at you! That’s fun, too! But there is no shortage of fun ways to enjoy being in the female form. I can promise anyone out there struggling with anorexia or purging that, as a woman who was once 105 pounds and is now 120 pounds, I love my shape.

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Some people want you to fail

Look, don’t hate them for it, but there may be some individuals who want you to remain sick forever. Maybe they, too, are sick. They justify their behavior by having a friend who is the same way. If you know who these people are, as hard as it feels, you need to distance yourself from them. I know you want to be there for them, but you can’t even do so until you heal yourself.

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Sex can be so much better

I have gathered from my own experience and from other recovered individuals that sex is so much better once you love your body and are happy. Honestly, sex was just like…this thing I waited to be over with when I had an eating disorder. I didn’t realize that sex could be amazing. But only when I loved myself.

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It’s so common

For the longest time, I didn’t realize how common what I was going through was. I think part of the reason I took so long to heal was that I hid my disorder from others, thinking that people would find it so dark and terrible. Once I started opening up, I realized just how many of my friends had or even at that time did experience some disordered eating habits. They didn’t make me feel weird. And somehow…that helped me get better.

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The body regulates itself

When I began slowly eating a bit more, I was worried that I’d feel stuffed forever. I know for some, there is this fear—this belief—that the only way you can for sure not put on weight is by being a little hungry, all of the time. So being full makes you frightened, thinking you’ll never be hungry again. But your body will help you. If you eat a little too much at one meal, it may be longer until you’re hungry again. That’s okay. Just wait. Trust your body. It will lead you in the direction of a beautiful figure if you just listen.