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If you are going to take the step of going to therapy, you may as well make the most of it, right? If you are new to therapy, the entire concept of opening up to a stranger—not to mention delving into the more private corners of your mind—can be scary. You don’t know what to expect. So, if you’ve been brave enough to overcome those fears and make that appointment, don’t you want to go all the way and get better in therapy? It probably isn’t free, and possibly not that cheap (though there are affordable ways to get therapy if you know where to look). Ultimately, you’re spending time and probably some cash on this thing, so why not get some use out of it?
Okay, so now that we’ve agreed on that, let’s talk about how many individuals waste their time in therapy. I actually have two friends who are therapists and tell me, “You wouldn’t believe how many people come in and waste both of our time. I honestly feel bad accepting money from them. But, they insist on being here, and not doing the work.” While therapy can be a place to just vent, it should be for more than that. If you just need to clear your mind, you have a journal for that. Therapists are trained professionals who can help you understand your thoughts, behavioral patterns, and mind potentially better than you ever could on your own. If you’ve decided to trust one then trust her, and do what she asks of you. She didn’t get that multi-hundred-thousand-dollar license just to listen to you complain about your loud neighbor. On that note, here are habits that make therapy a waste of time. If you find yourself doing them, cut it out. Or your healing could take decades.
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Skipping sessions
Your therapist has a plan in mind for you, and part of that plan requires you to see her with some regularity. So when you skip sessions, you set yourself back in your progress. Make therapy a priority. Don’t skip it to go out with friends. Don’t skip it because you don’t think you need it that week. Follow through with the plan here.
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Constantly switching therapists
There is something to be said for finding the right therapist. But some individuals just keep switching therapists because they just want to find someone who will tell them they’re perfect and don’t need therapy. That’s not going to happen and is a waste of everyone’s time. You need to stick with one therapist for a while to make real progress.
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Lying to your therapist
So you did something of which you are ashamed. I think your therapist knows you aren’t perfect, and knows you’ve been doing things you don’t think are healthy. You kind of admitted that by showing up to therapy the first time. So don’t lie to your therapist. Don’t tell her you haven’t spoken to that ex/family member/coworker in months, when you spoke to him two days ago.
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Withholding information
Withholding information is a form of lying. So unfortunately, you aren’t off the hook because you tell your therapist some of the facts. If you got drinks with an ex, and you tell her all about that, but neglect to mention the part where you kissed at the end or engaged in sexting after, she can’t really break this down for you.
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Spinning the facts
There are two sides to every story. So, when you tell your therapist a story about you and another person—maybe someone with whom you have conflict—try to tell your therapist both sides, to the best of your ability. Don’t just tell her your mother did something terrible for no explainable reason, when you know your mom has this or that tough thing happening in her life. Don’t say that your boyfriend yelled at you when he actually just gave you feedback, in a calm and contained manner. You make no progress by appearing to be the perfect one in all of your stories.
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Failing to write things down
If your therapist has asked you to keep a journal, then keep one. This is an important tool that some therapists rely on to do their work. Yes, it’s homework on your end, but isn’t a little homework worth it if it could mean some vital emotional and mental healing?
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Blaming others, always
You won’t get anywhere if you just want your therapist to agree that everyone sucks and you’re always right. That’s not a helpful mindset in life, but many patients just get mad if their therapists ask them to accept any blame. Bullying your therapist into saying everyone in your life sucks besides you won’t get you far.
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Getting angry with your therapist
Sometimes, your therapist is going to have to tell you some hard truths. She’s going to point out mistakes you’ve been making. She’s going to tell you when you’re to blame and when you’re being weak. If you yell at her and storm out, she can’t help you much. You didn’t go to a therapist to hear what you wanted to hear. Your friends could tell you that.
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Not trying her advice
If she suggests you…don’t date for one month or…stay away from that one friend for a month or…make a video diary once a day. Just do it. If you won’t do the thing she asks you to do, then you probably can’t get very far. It’s not like she’s asking you to make this change forever. It will probably just be for a matter of weeks or months at the most.
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Consulting all your friends
You can talk to your friends about therapy a bit if you want. But most therapists would recommend that you keep what is discussed in therapy private. The second you talk to outsiders, they start giving their own input and judging your therapist’s advice. They get in your head. But they are not the professionals here.
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Dragging in uninvited guests
Do not bombard your therapist with an uninvited guest. Don’t just show up with your boyfriend, or sister, or best friend, and force some impromptu group session. Your therapist will not go for that. That’s a totally different skill set and type of therapy and price range.
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Not caring for yourself
If you constantly show up hungover, or exhausted from staying up all night, or in some way not your best self, there is only so much your therapist can do for you. She needs you to take care of yourself so your mind can be as clear and strong as possible for this process.
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Choosing one that’s too expensive
This one may seem obvious, but there are status-obsessed individuals who get the most expensive therapist all because someone they admire or look up to sees the same one. But that therapist is too expensive. If your therapist is too expensive for you, you’ll be too stressed about the cost to make much progress.
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Not getting to the point
Hey, it’s your money, but why are you talking about the weather, the traffic, or the new construction going on in your neighborhood with your therapist? Talk about that with your neighbors or coffee shop barista. You know you’re going to get to the tough topics eventually, so just get there sooner.
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Trying not to cry
You’re going to cry. A lot. If you try not to cry, you’ll be more focused on that than you will be on really opening up to your therapist. It takes a lot of mental energy to stop yourself from crying, and you need that mental energy for other things. So just let it out. Cry.
