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Money and love. Can you have both, in the best way, all at once? You can, if you put your ego aside. You may be someone who is very familiar with the ways career competitiveness can creep into a relationship, and ruin all of the fun. Or, you may be sitting there thinking, “I would never be competitive with my partner. We’re a team.” Yes, well, many of us think that at some point, and it’s easy to think in the first handful of years of a relationship. It’s especially easy to believe that career competition would never play a role in your relationship if you’re quite young. If you meet in your early or mid twenties, you’re both still fumbling around out there, trying to find what job or industry is even right for you. You meet each other during that time when you’re both still “at the bottom,” so to speak. So you’re very comfortable with sharing your failures with one another.
When we think of career competition within a relationship, we might think of power couples—individuals who met when they were both already killing it, and had people watching their careers, almost pinning them against one another. But that’s not the only place career competition can take place. If you are going to build a life with somebody, then, eventually elements like finances and scheduling and shared networks are going to come into play. Both individual feels a sense of responsibility to bring something to the table, and that can become twisted into competition. It shouldn’t, but it can. No matter how mature, grounded, or solid you are, it can happen. If you’re struggling in your career and your partner is thriving, it’s natural to have some feelings you aren’t proud to have. Or, if he’s the one struggling, you may need to know that he’s the one fighting some ugly emotions. Here is how to keep career competition from ruining your relationship.
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Do remember you are a team
Any success he earns, you were a part of. Who did he go to vent to after a meeting went poorly? Who does he bounce ideas off of? Who does he ask to proofread his work? Who helped him come up with that great idea during a fun conversation during date night? You. His career and relationship are not separate. Remember that.
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Genuinely take joy in his victories
When something good happens to him, skip the part where you think, “Damn. Nothing like that has happened for me yet.” Dive immediately into celebrating him. Throw him the party. Announce the news to the world. Get on the celebration train. He’ll feel so much more in love with you for you being genuinely happy for him, that any jealousy will just be driven away.
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Share everything
Tell one another what’s going on in your careers. If you leave your work at work and never share with one another about it, you can naturally start to feel that you are in competition with his work. It can feel like it’s his work versus you. But if you take time at the end of the day to tell each other what you’re dealing with in your careers, and perhaps try to advise each other, you can bridge that gap of separation you may be feeling between you and his career.
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Try to help each other
Whenever we come from a place of “How do I help others?” instead of “How do I help myself?” it’s amazing how feelings of envy just dissipate. So always be looking for ways to help your partner in his career. Hopefully, he’ll do the same for you. This will help do away with some of the comparison because now you’re a part of his success.
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Schedule time together, regularly
If any career jealousy is creeping in and then, on top of that, you aren’t making time for date nights, things will get much worse. It’s so important that you take the time to remember that you are a unit, that you are each other’s number one priority, and that you have an incredibly strong bond.
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Focus on your other qualities
Your partner didn’t fall in love with you because you had one million Instagram followers or one million in the bank or your name on a building. He fell in love with you because you have the unshakable character traits you have. Those will always be there, no matter how your career is going. So feel confident in that.
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Encourage one another
If it’s your partner who is struggling with his career, encourage him. Don’t get so swept up in your own work that you fail to pause and realize that maybe your partner needs some inspiring words. You know you can’t be happy as a couple if either of you feels dissatisfied as an individual, so remember that you do have a responsibility to lift your partner up when he’s feeling uninspired.
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But don’t add pressure
What you don’t want to do when your partner is feeling behind in his career is add pressure. There is a difference between encouraging someone and pressuring someone. Don’t compare him to others who are doing better and say, “Do what they do.” Tell him what he’s good at. Tell him what he’s doing right. Tell him you believe in him. But never make him feel like you are worried that he won’t make it. Nobody needs that.
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Have another project
It can be very helpful to have something else in your life that isn’t career-related of which you are very proud—a passion project. Maybe volunteer work. Some other skill you’re honing like martial arts or how to play an instrument. You don’t want to put too much weight on your career to bring you feelings of pride and satisfaction.
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Help others, together
Remember how helping others has a way of sending envy away? It could be very powerful if you and your partner started doing some volunteer work together. Focusing on helping others—rather than on your own careers or how you are comparing to each other in your careers—is very good for you emotionally and mentally. And doing that together is great for your bond.
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Don’t worry what others think
A lot of career competition in a relationship stems from the fear of what others think. “People will see me as riding his coattails if he makes it and I don’t.” Or “People will wonder what someone as successful as that is doing with a nobody like me.” Terrible thoughts like those. Banish those thoughts. Remember that even if you were incredibly successful, there would still be haters and gossips. You need to learn to block them out, no matter where you’re at in your career. All that matters is how you and your partner feel about each other.
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He’s not thinking it
The funny thing is that, it’s often just us—the one feeling insecure—who introduces these comparative thoughts into the conversation. Your partner isn’t thinking, “Hm. I sure wish my partner were more successful. I want us to be a power couple.” No way. He’s just thinking about how much he loves being around you. If he’s not thinking those bad things, then why should you?
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Go with one another to events
Go with your partner to events surrounding his career, and bring him to yours. It’s important that you feel you are a part of each other’s worlds. It’s important that you befriend some of his colleagues, so when he talks about them, you know who he’s talking about. Going with one another to career-related events strengthens that idea that you’re a team, and you don’t live your lives in boxes—career there, and relationship here. It’s all one thing.
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Don’t give into the green monster
Those moments of envy and comparison will creep in. When they do, walk over to your partner, give him a big hug and a kiss, and tell him how proud of him you are. The smile on his face and the joy that clearly brings him will banish those thoughts of, “It’s me versus him” and turn them into, “It’s us.”
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Give credit where credit is due
When something good happens to you, remember how your partner helped. He was up with you for those late night brainstorming sessions. He told you that you could do it, when you weren’t sure if you could. Tell him that this is a win for the both of you and that you couldn’t have done this without him.
