How Income Discrepancies Affect Friendships - Page 10

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I so badly want to say that finances don’t play a role in friendships. I would love to be able to say that. But it would be a lie. If you have a really good friendship—especially one you’ve had since childhood—then finances shouldn’t be a big factor in that friendship. But even then, if you make a drastically different income than your friend does, or your spouses make very different incomes, it will be felt. It affects things. You’ll always have those initial, pure things you bonded over with a friend, but as life goes on, and financial changes occur, you will both, slowly but surely, start to live in different ways. You’ll start to think in different ways, too. It just happens. Money is a big reality in life, and if your money situations are different then your realities are different.

You will start to make new friends who are in the similar income bracket as yourself, because you…go to the same high-end gym or…budget gym. You’ll make friends through your career who may be very money-motivated, or not so much. And so, when you do get together with those long-term friends you’ve known forever, you’ll feel small shifts taking place. Nobody is trying to make anybody uncomfortable, but it just happens. It takes money to do things—like go out for dinner or to the movies. Travel is a big one. Traveling with friends is a great way to feel close to friends but if your standards for travel are quite different now, then jet setting together becomes difficult. I wish we could all stay kids forever, in a bubble, unaware of financial realities, just playing make believe and having slumber parties in tents we made on the floor. But that isn’t the case. Here are ways income differences affect friendships.

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Exchanging referrals is funny

You’ve tried to give each other referrals for things like, hairdressers, interior decorators, and accountants. But your ideas of a “good deal” are drastically different. Like your friend tells you, “My hairdresser is great. She’ll give you a deal since I referred you. It should only be like $200.” Uh…you can’t accept that referral.

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Different schedules

Your friend may own her own business or be a successful freelance contractor, so her schedule is pretty flexible. So, when you plan a girls’ weekend trip, she wants to leave at 10am on Friday to skip traffic, because she can, but you can’t leave until you get off work at 5pm. There is no working around that for you.

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Bill splitting

Rich people are down to split the bill evenly, with no regard for who bought what. Sometimes, they’ll just take turns covering the bill. One rich couple saying, “You get the next one!” while they drop their card for a $900 dinner. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there thinking, “The next one will have to be at Taco Bell if I’m going to cover it.”

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They wait while you check prices

You often feel like you’re holding everybody up while you check prices. Everybody agrees on a restaurant or activity, but you’re desperately trying to find their price sheet online—there often isn’t one, because the fancy restaurants your friends like don’t list prices—before you agree to this.

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Financial conversations

Conversations about finances can become pretty strange. Your wealthy friends may be talking about how well their investments are doing, meanwhile you have no idea what they’re talking about, and are pretty excited about the great gas price you got by using your grocery store rewards points. Your financial “wins” are quite different.

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Group travel

Traveling together comes with awkward moments around every corner. A hotel that would be a reach for you would be slumming it for them. You want to sneak grocery store sandwiches into the pool to eat, while your friends are down to just order the $25 tuna melts the hotel sells.

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You’re out of place with their friends

While your direct friends may understand that your financial situations are different, their friends don’t understand that. So their friends talk to you as if you’re also wealthy, and ask you questions about your investments or your property, making assumptions about you that you must awkwardly shatter.

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Group…anything

Whenever the group wants to do anything, it doesn’t cross their mind that the “affordable” option isn’t affordable to you. Everybody wants to split a limousine to the wedding. Meanwhile, you’re over here trying to figure out how far you can walk before your feet hurt and at that point, you’ll order an Uber Pool.

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Insecurity around your home

You can start to feel uncomfortable having your friends, who make much more than you, over to your home. Their home always looks immaculate because they hired an interior decorator and have a housekeeper that comes weekly. You, on the other hand, have dining chairs that don’t match because you got them at garage sales.

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Giving monetary gifts is awkward

You give them, say, a $50 gift card for their anniversary. But, realistically, you know their other friends are giving them multi-thousand-dollar gifts. You know that, whatever they get with that gift card, they’ll pay for most of it on their own, and your gift will just chip away at it a tiny bit.

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You’re always trying to stay in

You’re always trying to encourage the group to stay in. Why can’t you all have a potluck? Or order pizza? Why do you have to go to the movies when you have Netflix? Why do you need to go pay $12 per cocktail at a bar when you have booze at home?

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When you can’t afford to be supportive

There may be times when you can’t afford to support your friends, and that feels weird. Like when they have a gallery opening or put on an event. Tickets are very expensive. Everyone else is buying tickets to show support, and you have to ask if they have a free guest list.

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They give too big of gifts

They give you gifts that are so generous, it makes you uncomfortable. And you also don’t want to set a precedent that this is the level of gift you’re giving each other. They give you a $300 gift card for your birthday and you feel obligated to take them to dinner with it.

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They don’t get how you’re happy

They make suggestions for how you could make more money and upgrade your lifestyle. They may not understand that you’re happy this way. To them, it seems like you struggle, because making plans with them is a struggle for you. But you like the way you live.