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Every time another couple announces their engagement online, we’re all supposed to jump up and down for joy and assume this is nothing but a good thing. But, I mean, come on. With many marriages ending in divorce, I’m a bit more realistic than that. I know that a lot of marriages end because they started for the wrong reasons. Sure, there are couples who truly believed they were right for each other from the start—who went into this with the best intentions—and then later, things changed. But we all know a lot of couples who get engaged for the wrong reasons, entering into this huge commitment already full of hesitation, reservations, and a whole lot of doubt. They just hope it will go away. They just think that somehow, actually tying the knot will fix all of their problems.
I have some potentially alarming news for those couples: cold feet are a myth. You shouldn’t really have that. By the time you actually marry someone, you should have come to terms with being with him forever, a long time before that. The wedding should just be a formality—a cherry on top of the cake that is the foundation of your relationship. Spending eternity with somebody shouldn’t be a hard pill to swallow. Yes, marriage is a commitment, but when you’re with the right person and you do the relationship the right way—take your time, get to know each other, go through some trials and tribulations before getting engaged—the legal commitment should feel like a piece of cake. So, if you are having a serious case of the cold feet—frozen feet, even—it could be because you got engaged for the wrong reasons. Here are signs you got engaged out of fear.
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You don’t want to discuss the wedding
Usually, people should be happy to talk about their wedding, but not you. You forgot that it would be all wedding talk after you got engaged. When people ask you things like, “So, when’s the wedding?” or “Have you found a dress?” you feel dizzy and nauseous. You don’t want to discuss wedding planning. You want to change the subject.
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You keep postponing the date
You keep putting the date off. You keep putting off the conversation in which you’d choose a date. You keep finding ridiculous reasons to push the date back very far. For example, your best friend’s sister is getting married this year so it would be rude for you to also get married this year. Or even next year for that matter.
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Your family was on your case
Your family has been on your case for years about you getting married. You dreaded seeing them because you know they would give you the third degree, psychoanalyzing you, trying to figure out what’s wrong with you and why you can’t find love. You wanted so badly to no longer be their project. You didn’t want them to worry anymore.
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You recently broke off another one
Not long ago, you were engaged to somebody else. It ended badly. You were devastated. Truly, people wondered if you would ever get out of bed again. It was such a nightmare. Guests had already purchased plane tickets and reserved hotel rooms. There was a part of you that just wanted to pick up in a new relationship where you left off on the last one—engaged and planning a wedding—as if no time had passed. You didn’t want to grieve the broken engagement.
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He’s big on family
This guy is huge on family. He made it very clear from the beginning that he was looking for a wife and hopes to have kids within a few years. His whole family is all about marriage and family. All of his siblings and cousins are happily (allegedly) married with children. You could just feel that, by not being married soon, you were contributing to his anxiety and the pressure he felt from his family. So you said yes.
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Your friends’ dating horror stories
You have single friends. You hear the stories. You know that it’s bad out there. So rather than asking yourself if you’re truly as happy as you could be and as in love as you could be, you started saying things like, “Well, at least he’s not a totally narcissistic weirdo like everyone else seems to be.”
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You feel left out
Of the marriage club. Everyone just seems like such a unit with their spouses. You want to be included in the conversation of mortgages and school districts and vacation timeshares. You want so badly to have those forever conversations with your person. So, you’re willing for it to be…any person.
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You can’t stand your family
You just want out of your family. Your whole life you told yourself, “If I can just find my perfect person, we can make our own family, and I will have excuses not to see mine as often. Like I’ll be with my in-laws for the holidays.” That perfect person didn’t come along but, somebody did. And the in-laws he comes with are great.
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You forget to tell people
You keep forgetting to tell people that you’re engaged. Friends will ask what’s new with you and you’ll tell them about your job, your new workout class, your new couch, a trip you have coming up…Whoops. You forgot to tell them you’re engaged. You keep call him your boyfriend, too—not your fiancé.
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You hit your relationship max
You told yourself a long time ago that you could only emotionally weather three major relationships ending in your life (or whatever your number is). You told yourself that you’d better just marry the third or fifth guy you seriously dated. Now you’ve hit that number.
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You’re financially stressed
You’ve been thinking a lot about finances lately. You realized you may never be able to afford to buy property in your city without the help of someone else, and buying is a good investment. Life is generally more affordable when you split the costs with somebody else. That’s been on your mind quite a bit lately.
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You picture your divorce
You’ve already started thinking of your divorce—the apartment you’ll live in during the separation, dating as a divorcee, being free again. You almost take solace in the idea that this marriage is just temporary. You wouldn’t admit that, but these visions of post-divorce life keep coming to you.
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You were fighting a lot before
The months leading up to the engagement were full of fights. Things felt very rocky. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You felt like you couldn’t live without this person because, perhaps, there was some serious codependency going on there, but the relationship was bad. You sort of got engaged as a way to try to “save” things.
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Feelings for someone else came up
Recently, you realized you may be in love with someone else. Maybe. I mean, there were just some feelings. Feelings like, “Oh I could potentially be happy forever with that other person.” You felt so bad about that—and frightened by that—that you accepted a proposal from this other dude.
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You’re creating space now
Lately, since getting engaged, you’ve been obsessed with boundaries and space. You want to sleep in separate rooms. You think it’s good for you two to travel with friends instead of each other. Sure, it is important to have some individuality, but you’ve been pushing for it hard.
