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This week I made a joke that was meant to be a totally fleeting comment that actually bumped my partner quite a bit. I was just standing in front of the mirror before bed, and noticed I’d put on a few pounds. “Must be all the late night chocolate I’ve been eating,” I said. And then I added, “Oh well! You’ll love me if I get fat anyways!” and ate another piece of chocolate on the spot. I thought it was hilarious. And I was proud of myself for not really caring that I’d put on a few pounds—it showed I’d come a long way from the days I wasn’t very comfortable in my body.
Just then I looked at my partner and caught him make this face. It was a combination of disappointed and surprised and…a little bit angry even. “What?” I asked him. “Nothing,” he said. “You clearly just made a face. Do you think I look bad? Does it bother you I put on weight?” I pushed him. “It’s fine, it’s fine!” he said, “You look good.” We were both silent for a minute and then he said: “Look, you look amazing. If you’re happy in your body, I’m happy. But I would never want us, as a couple, to reach a point where our appearance changed in a way we didn’t like, and we didn’t do anything about it because we’d just…given up. I hope we always keep trying for each other. You know—making an effort.”
Oooh. I saw what was happening. You know those jokes about women who do nothing but eat bon bons and quadruple in size the second their men put a ring on it? He feared he was watching that happen in real time. He thought that I thought that just because we’re committed to one another, I get to stop caring about how I look. And I can see why that bumped him. It’s not just a superficial, vanity thing. There’s more to this conversation.
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There is some betrayal
Hey, look, when we commit to someone, there is some understanding that they will work hard to be the person we fell in love with, every day. We totally accept that that pertains to personality traits, like being thoughtful and ambitious. So, why would we give physical traits a break? It’s about the whole package: remaining the person your person fell in love with. You want that too, right? From your partner?
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Love is not blind
Look, of course when your partner loves you deeply, you always look beautiful to him, even when others wouldn’t see you that way. You’re pretty to him with no makeup, in that big, fluffy robe, hair in a bun. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t appreciate when you put in an effort. He’s still able to differentiate between robe you and slinky dress/full make-up you. Does he have to submit to a life of never seeing that latter variety, ever again, just because he will love you either way?
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You have expectations, too
You do. It’s true. Think about it. What if your partner suddenly gained 75 pounds? What if he completely stopped cutting his hair? Stopped shaving? Started wearing sweatpants and old t’s every day, never to don a tailored suit or well-fitting jeans again? The martyr in you wants to say, “That’s fine!” but she’s a damn liar. You’d be bummed! You have eyes. You look at your partner every single day. It’s nice to have something nice to look at.
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Why do others get the respect?
I see this a lot: after being in a relationship for a long time, looking good is for other people. So for a double date or dinner party, you put your makeup on, you do your hair, you pick out a lovely outfit. For dinner at that local spot with your partner? Jeans. Hoodie. Sneakers. No makeup. Isn’t it sort of disrespectful that looking good becomes something you do for everyone but your life partner who loves you so much?
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There’s the emotional component
The way we look affects the way we feel. The way we look also affects the way others feel. And the way we feel affects the way others feel. What I’m saying is that, if you start looking like a slob, you’ll probably start to feel like one, and both of those factors can even make your partner a little depressed. He can look at you and feel like this is a household where people have given up. That’s not good for morale.
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There’s the health element, too
When we are talking about weight, don’t forget that your partner is probably hoping that you live a nice, long life. He wants to retire with you and grow old with you. And when you stop exercising and start eating chocolate and French fries every night, he can see the sands of time rushing a little bit faster for you. You and your partner both have an obligation to take care of your health, for each other. Though many of us get stuck taking care of our partner’s health for them.
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You know it’s true
You know you become furious when you see your partner eating fast food for a week and skipping the gym. You get angry because you two made an unspoken promise to one another to try to stay alive for, like, 80 to 90 years together. To be there for each other for a long time. And when you see him doing things like that, that is not him trying.
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Men are visual creatures
We could all talk all day about how we wish men didn’t care about looks and just saw our souls. And it would get us nowhere. Here’s what I know: my partner’s libido had dropped for about a year, and one night, I wore thick eyeliner and a push-up bra and he initiated sex—enthusiastically—for the first time in a year. And I was happy. I don’t need to read into it any more than that.
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The trickery factor
There are, unfortunately, people out there who purposefully go over-the-top with their looks in order to “catch” a partner. And then they consciously stop making an effort the second they get married or engaged, because they feel like, “Well, my work is done here.” It’s sort of sleazy and manipulative. And men are aware of those personality types, so when you simply joke about not having to look good anymore, your partner can fear that some of those habits are sneaking in.
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What about you?
Don’t you want to look good for you? Don’t you notice that people treat you differently when you put on an outfit you love and do your hair? And it feels good, right? We have an obligation to our partners to do things that make us as individuals feel good, because we have to keep the positive vibes flowing in the relationship.
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Men like to be proud
This is just another truth that nobody likes to hear but that we don’t benefit from denying: men want other men to want their women. They don’t want other men to go after their women, nor do they want their women to cheat (duh.) But when they walk into a room with their partner, they want other men to think, “Okay. I see you. I see why he’s a lucky man.” It’s just a little thing that gives them joy. If you love a man, maybe…give him that joy?
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Results are about habits
I think the reason my partner was so bothered when I laughed off my weight gain and said, “I won’t be doing anything about it” was that it seemed like I’d decided to make a habit of gaining weight. What does he care if once a week I just enjoy some chocolate and wine? He doesn’t. But if he feels I’ve made the conscious decision to live in a less-than-healthy way every day, naturally, that’s going to concern him.
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He’s making an effort
Your partner makes his efforts. You may not even know about them, but you’d notice if he stopped. That’s for sure. It could be little things. Staying on top of that five o’clock shadow. Doing push-ups. Paying attention to the fit of his clothes. If he just stopped all of that one day, you’d be disappointed. It’s okay to admit that. It doesn’t make you superficial—it makes you human.
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They compare
Your partner looks at the partners of his friends, and he sees that some of them try. When he sees that, he thinks, “So, do those women just love their men more than my woman loves me? Do they care more about making him happy than mine cares about making me happy?”
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Where does the resentment get you?
Look, I have gone through periods when I resented the societal standards of beauty I face. I’ve gone through times when I thought, “My partner should love me even if I look like crap all day!” So, to protest, I did look like crap all day, for several days. And…it wasn’t as gratifying as I thought it would be. In fact, looking in the mirror made me sad, and I felt insecure—worrying my partner didn’t find me attractive. Nothing good came of it. So, maybe I should, ya know, brush my hair sometimes. It’s a pretty simple fix.
