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Though it’s never pleasant to deal with any sort of mental illness or disorder, some relief can be found in knowing that others have dealt with it, too—that it is a real, diagnosable, and possibly treatable condition. There can be a tremendous feeling of hope when you find out that that group of symptoms you’ve been suffering, others suffer it too. You aren’t weird. You aren’t an outcast. You aren’t just someone that nobody could possibly understand. What you are going through is in fact, well, not “normal”—because it should be treated—but identifiable and even relatable to others.
I bring this up because I just became aware of something called Cheating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, from which a close friend is suffering. You may already be familiar with traditional Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD. Standard OCD is characterized by what feel like uncontrollable thoughts, ideas, or sensations that make someone feel compelled to take certain actions. Those thoughts, ideas, or sensations are, however, not grounded in reality, and typically unfounded by any real events. Feeling the need to switch a light on and off four times before leaving a room for fear that if you don’t your home will burn down—that’s just one of millions of examples of OCD.
So once you understand regular OCD, you can understand Cheating OCD. At first, it may sound like those who suffer from it feel compelled to cheat. That is, however, not the case. Cheating OCD is a condition characterized by the belief one has cheated—the one suffering from the OCD, herself, believes she has cheated—even though there is no evidence this has occurred. It can often happen after a night of drinking or doing recreational substances, when memories become blurred. Here’s a look at this debilitating disorder that affects more people than you may realize. Maybe even you.
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You have cheated in the past
First and foremost, it’s worth noting that, typically, this condition doesn’t come out of nowhere. It is common for individuals who suffer from Cheating OCD to have, at least once, actually cheated in their life. More specifically, they cheated while under the influence of alcohol or another substance, so moving forward, they fear they have no control over their actions when their judgment is impaired.
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It ruined a relationship
If the cheating ruined a relationship for which a person cared deeply, this has more power to spur on Cheating OCD. When that individual gets into a new relationship, even if she understands the implications of cheating and in her sober, rational mind, never wants to do so again, now there is this great fear of ruining this new relationship. That fear can bring on the OCD.
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You feel severe anxiety after drinking
Cheating OCD symptoms tend to begin after a night of drinking or other recreational substance use. The symptoms can begin as early as within hours of waking the next day, or as late as weeks later. Sometimes an individual can feel fine after a night of drinking, but for some reason, a week later, her mind starts to drudge up false memories from the drunken night.
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You worry there is more to the blackout
While most individuals understand that if they can’t recall certain events from a night of drinking, that’s just due to the alcohol—it was a black out or brown out—those with Cheating OCD can convince themselves otherwise. People who suffer this disorder can tell themselves that they are purposefully blocking out memories because they did something bad. So the blackout becomes “evidence” that they did something.
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You feel distant from your partner
These thoughts will naturally create emotional distance between the person with the OCD and her partner. The one suffering believes she may have wronged her partner, so she doesn’t feel right going on as if things are normal. But she also doesn’t know she did anything wrong. She can feel she’s keeping a secret, but doesn’t quite know what that secret is.
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You ask others to recount the night’s events
The next thing a person tends to do in this situation is to start to seek out answers from others. They’ll ask other friends who were there that night if they did anything inappropriate, or if they saw them do something that was concerning. Nobody can confirm their beliefs that something happened.
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You obsessively seek answers
Even though others who were there the night of the alleged events say nothing happened, the individual with Cheating OCD will obsessively seek answers. She’ll think that nobody can confirm that she did anything, simply because they didn’t see it. She may start asking to see other’s photos or videos from the night, seeing if there is anything suspicious looking—in her behavior—in that footage. It’s almost as if comfort can only come from confirming she did in fact cheat.
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You return to the scene
The individual might return to the scene of the “crime,” going back to the places she was the night she was drinking, trying to retrace her steps, and see if the physical spaces drudge up any memories.
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You focus on one individual
This entire time, there is typically focus on one individual—the person that the OCD sufferer believes she cheated with. This is typically someone who, when sober, this individual has found attractive. So there is already a sense of guilt around that person. And now, after the night of drinking, the OCD sufferer can start to read deeply into every interaction with the person she thinks she cheated with, looking for hints that something happened there.
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You feel severe guilt
There will be a severe feeling of guilt this entire time. The person with Cheating OCD will feel guilt that is so strong that it is on par with guilt a true cheater would feel. She will begin walking on eggshells around her partner and truly behaving as if she has done something wrong.
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The thoughts will not go away
Like traditional OCD, the thoughts and ideas will not go away. The person suffering will try to distract herself and use tools like meditation or exercise to send the thoughts away. She will tell herself, “These are not real.” But the thoughts will feel so powerful they are intruding the mind. In fact, intrusive thoughts is the psychological term for these.
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Your imagination becomes vivid
The imagination can run vivid, and start to add details, building upon that initial, vague false memory. The individual’s imagination will be very active, adding sounds and sights and sensations that seem so real that it feels they must have happened. The person suffering doesn’t realize this is just her imagination, and mistakes it for her memories returning.
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And you create false memories
False memories is another important term in Cheating OCD. It can be hard for those who don’t suffer it to understand, but the mind will implant what feel like real memories. They will affect the person’s level of anxiety and guilt as if they really happened. The person suffering Cheating OCD cannot differentiate these false memories from real ones.
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You read into certain interactions
At this point, the person suffering is essentially looking for proof that something happened. It’s a race to the bottom, so to speak. They will not feel better until they can make themselves feel absolutely terrible and confirm that they did in fact cheat. They read into every interaction with anyone associated with the night in question, and see hints or suggestions that are not there.
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Answers only provide brief relief
You could actually show this individual a full video of the drunken night and she wouldn’t feel better. Even if a camera followed her the whole night and proved nothing happened, her mind would create scenarios in which, somehow, something happened that wasn’t caught on tape. Facts and reality no longer provide any solace.
