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“Why are you single?” Where do you hear this question? Well, if you are single, the shorter answer would be to where you don’t hear this question. Because you get it from your parents, your siblings, your grandparents, your colleagues, your boss, your friends, every single man who DMs you on social media or a dating app, in-person dates, that nosy neighbor, and even the cashier at your convenience store. As a woman walking around in the world, there are a couple of things you are always trying to dodge, and those are 1) catcalls and 2) the question, “So, why are you single?” Just running an errand or going to a social occasion brings with it the risk of facing this question.
You can always tell that the person asking the question does not realize, in any way, that it could be upsetting. They’re just genuinely curious. Or shocked. Or disappointed. Or sympathetic. You look into their big, dumb, inquiring eyes, and it’s so obvious that they didn’t put much thought into it before asking the question. It just came flying out of their mouth like vomit after four churros and a roller coaster. It’s like this undeniable impulse people have when they find out that you’re single. They have no idea what position it puts you in.
Also, the question, “So, why are you single?” is one of those questions people think will be a simple, three-to-five-word answer, but really won’t be. It’s like when someone asks, “How are you?” and you think, “Well, do you really want to know? Do you really have the time for me to answer this in a genuine way while I’m just handing you cash and you’re handing me this coffee and there is this long line of other customers behind me?” Probably not. Argh. Here are all of the reasons the question, “Why are you single?” is infuriating. Though, I’m sure you can think of some more.
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It’s not a simple answer
Honestly, has anybody who has ever asked this question of someone thought the person just had a ready-made, five-word answer to this question? It’s so shortsighted to ask this question in any setting other than, like, a therapist’s office or over what was meant to be a two-hour interaction.
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It may be quite personal
For all the inquirer knows, the answer could be quite personal. The single person in question may have trust issues due to a cheating ex, or a cheating parent. They may have suffered abuse. They may be in a 12-step program, recovering from alcohol addiction or even love and sex addiction, that prohibits dating for the first year.
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It implies it’s a problem
The very fact that the question comes up reveals the fact that the person asking thinks it’s bad to be single. It’s as if singleness is like a disease that must be cured—a problem that must be addressed. It’s actually okay if somebody just wants to be single.
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Or that I’m hiding some deep flaw
Sometimes when someone asks this, you can see them searching your face—looking you over and analyzing you—to figure out what’s wrong with you. They clearly think that it’s your fault that you’re single, and now they’re on the case to determine what you’re doing wrong.
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Do I even know you?
Often, the person asking doesn’t even know the single individual that well. You wouldn’t believe how many people who barely know me asked me this question when I was single. The server who often took my order at my neighborhood diner, the cashier at my convenience store, and a neighbor I spoke to, like, twice.
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I feel like I’m defending myself
The very second I start answering the question, it feels like I’m defending myself—like I did something wrong. I feel like a cop just pulled me over and asked, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” and I’m fumbling around for an answer. But I don’t owe the person asking me this an answer. At all.
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Finding the right person isn’t easy
A lot of people fail to realize that not everyone in a relationship is happy. Don’t give every coupled-up person too much credit. There are a lot of people who are with the wrong person, or in terrible relationships. And yet, they get credit for not being single. How about a single person gets credit for not settling into a bad relationship?
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You’re about to set me up
Often, when I get this question, I know that I’m about to be set up, and very few people know how to do this well. It’s very clear that, after going through the embarrassing and demeaning process of trying to explain why I’m single, the person who asked me why is about to convince me to go out with their son/friend/boss/neighbor. Or himself.
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How do you know I’m not post-breakup?
For all you know, when you ask someone why they’re single, that person is going through a breakup right now. This is the most painful time to be asked this question, because the person is deep in the zone of blaming themselves for their relationship status.
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We aren’t tackling this together
I hate how often people will take on the role of therapist when I never asked them to. Someone will sit down, get all cozy next to me, and ask, “Why are you single?” so clearly thinking we’re about to get to the bottom of this together. Um…can I see your PhD please? Also, I don’t remember scheduling this therapy appointment.
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There are other people here
It’s pretty common for someone to ask me this in a group setting, like at a dinner party of just six people or at a work happy hour with just a handful of us at a table. That kind of puts me on the spot. Besides, the others at the table don’t want to hear about this. It’s a rather isolating conversation topic.
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Maybe I don’t know
Has anyone who asks this question ever considered the fact that the person they’re asking just doesn’t know the answer? A lot of people out there are searching for love, and they themselves don’t know why it isn’t coming together. They don’t need someone else piling on that stressful question.
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There’s so much more to talk about
There really are so many other more productive and interesting things to talk about. I like conversations to be uplifting, positive, motivating, and inspiring. And me drudging up all of my personal drama and history, then ruminating on my relationship status, is none of those things.
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Is your relationship perfect?
The funny thing is that, often, the person asking this question is in a bad relationship. When I was single, I can’t tell you how many times someone would ask me this, and I wanted to say, “More importantly, why are you in a relationship with that person who clearly makes you miserable and who you don’t respect?”
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Everybody asks
Please, if you’re out there, and you ask this question of single people, just know that everybody asks them. This is not a unique or intriguing question for them. They feel like a broken record because they have to answer it so damn often. Be a refreshing surprise and don’t ask this question.
