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There are two conflicting but equally important keys to a happy relationship: communication and also knowing when to keep your mouth shut. Not everything needs to be said. Note very sentiment and thought needs to be expressed. You probably know that, because there have been times in your life when someone—a coworker, friend, family member, or your partner—has said something that left you thinking, “Well. We could have all done without that comment.” Of course, when you are used to telling your partner everything and being so open with one another, it can feel unnatural to just bite your tongue sometimes. But no matter how well you two generally understand each other and what a good job you do at interpreting one another’s intentions, sometimes, your partner is just going to be sensitive and doesn’t want to hear it.
In the grand scheme of things, you have to ask yourself if speaking up is worth it. Will this issue be recurring? How much will it actually affect you? Is there anything anyone can even do about it? Is it perhaps founded on…nothing? Or something silly? Even though it can feel really good to just say what you want to say in the moment, it can sometimes feel so bad afterwards (because of the fight it caused) that it wasn’t worth it. Sometimes we just have to swallow our feelings and thoughts because, well, whatever is triggering them actually isn’t that big of a deal, and/or will be out of our lives soon enough. That will come up so many times when you’re in a long-term relationship. You won’t always love what your partner does or says and you want to speak up but…decide not to pick that battle. If you’re smart. Here are times you should just bite your tongue in love.
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An ex getting in touch
So your partner’s ex gets in touch. She wants to grab lunch and catch up. Maybe she has a professional opportunity for him. A common old friend is having some major event that she suggests they attend together, as friends. This may make your blood boil, but if you say something, you wind up feeling embarrassed because you trust your partner. You may need to say nothing, smile, pretend to be happy, and let him wind up realizing how amazingly chill you were about that. Brownie points to you.
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When you could keep score
There will be times when your partner points something out that you did wrong. And you are so ready with plenty of examples of times he did the same thing—or a worse thing. But don’t bring it up. Where does that leave you two? Now you’re just having two fights.
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Those dark, unfounded thoughts
I sometimes have dreams in which my partner cheats on me, or I cheat on him, or he leaves me for no reason at all. Terrible dreams. I sometimes have these fluttering, scary thoughts of us being doomed. They are founded in literally nothing. I think it’s part of just caring about someone deeply—there is some fear of loss there. You don’t need to tell your partner about these things.
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A mishandled friendship dispute
Let him handle his friendships as he will. Maybe he’s mad at a friend, and you think his anger is unfounded. Maybe he wants to write someone off, and you think he’s being too harsh. Whatever it is, those are his friendships. You need to sit back, agree with him (for the most part), and support him. Speaking up will just make you seem like enemy number two.
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When you know he’s triggered
There may be days when he is surprisingly sensitive, temperamental, and testy. But, you know he’s been triggered. He’s responding to something deeper than what’s going on—something from his past perhaps. Try not to tell him he’s being triggered. Respond in kind, and treat his feelings as valid.
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When you know he’s stressed
There may be days when your partner is a little cold towards you—perhaps even a little rude—because he’s under a lot of stress. You have some issue you want to bring up but, if it can wait, maybe let it wait. Recognize when your partner has more on his plate than he can handle, and it isn’t time to pile on.
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Career mistakes
You can help guide your partner’s career to a point. Really, that’s the point to which he asks you to. Nobody loves unsolicited career advice. To some extent, there needs to be separation of career and love. Your partner needs to feel that you know, when it comes to his job, that’s his domain, and you just support him in his choices. He doesn’t want to feel judged.
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Mid-argument
When your partner is listing off reasons he’s upset with you, and has a speech prepared, let him finish. There will be times you really want to respond—to make your points—while he’s speaking. But just let him finish. Maybe you’ll change your mind about what you have to say. Maybe you won’t, but you don’t need an extra fight about interrupting him.
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When his crappy friend visits
So your partner has a friend that you don’t like much. He’s just a bit off. Maybe he doesn’t talk to you much. He makes a small mess when he visits, and doesn’t clean it up. But your partner loves this friend. Look, if he really only visits once or twice a year, maybe don’t say anything. It’s not worth it.
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His controlled vices
He drinks a few beers each night. Or has a cigarette once a quarter, when he’s really stressed. Or has a slight designer shoe fixation. Look, everyone has their vices. If it doesn’t actually affect how he treats you or how he holds up his obligations, just let it be.
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An unfortunate change in appearance
A bad haircut. A little weight gain. A strange wardrobe purchase. An ear piercing. Sometimes we just need to let our partners try these things or make these mistakes. It’s some expression of something they’re going through. I can promise you that it’s never worth it to say something.
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After he’s made a mistake
If your partner has already made the mistake, don’t say anything. Like if he tells you about how he handled a job interview, and you feel he answered one question incorrectly. What’s the point in bringing that up now? He’ll just fixate on something he can no longer change.
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Small personal investments
There does come a time when your finances are essentially shared and you should have some say in how your partner spends money. But, in some cases, if your partner just wants to invest a small amount of what is technically his money, even if you don’t think it’s a good idea, just let that one go. Men can have a lot of pride around their investments and if it really won’t affect you, it’s better to stay quiet.
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He’s oblivious to a flirt
You know that someone is trying to flirt with your partner. A coworker. A neighbor. You pick up on it, but your partner is oblivious. You could say something but if you trust your partner, what’s the point? If he doesn’t yet see it, you’ll just look paranoid. And he will eventually see it.
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A poor décor choice
My partner and I are just now furnishing a home essentially from scratch. And I learned the hard way that pushing to have your perfect home just the way you want it, isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth all of the arguments over which fake plant or corner chair to buy. I’d rather get along with my partner than have my preferred desk. So sometimes, if he feels really passionate about an item I don’t love, I just let him have it.
