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Can you be friends with an ex? I can’t answer that question for you. I don’t know your exact situation. For example, are you actually just friends? Or are you keeping this person nearby, because you hope to get back together one day? Or were too weak/afraid to truly cut the cord? Or, do you just like having this ex around as a rebound between your other relationships? That’s not really a friend then, is it? That relationship is certainly not purely platonic. That’s more of a complicated thing.
If you do just have platonic feelings towards your ex, here’s another question: does he feel the same way? Or does he clearly wish things would become romantic again? If he does then, even though you don’t see him that way, this isn’t a pure friendship, either. A friendship consists of two people who don’t have any sexual or romantic feelings towards each other. But there sure are a lot of exes out there masquerading as friends in public…then sending each other pretty explicit texts later at night. And there are a lot of people pretending they’re just friends with an ex, actually hoping they’ll get back together. That oftens happens if you rush into that friendship.
As for those who really are friends with an ex, you have to remember that this friendship doesn’t just affect the two of you. There are or will be other people in your life—like new romantic partners—who have feelings about that dynamic. And you can’t blame them. Then, there is the simple weirdness of being friends with someone you were once in love with and/or having sex with. That’s never a clean slate, no matter how much you’d like it to be. Here are awkward things that arise when you’re friends with an ex.
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Explaining it to every new partner
Every new person you get romantically involved with is going to need to know this friend hanging around is your ex. So you have to explain that to them. And they have to play the game of appearing totally cool about it. Nonetheless, it’s a thing—it’s this factor that you introduce into every new relationship.
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Or not explaining it, and getting in a fight
There may be some times you think, “This ex is just a friend now. I don’t need to tell a new boyfriend that we once dated. This is just…another one of my friends!” so you go that route, your new boyfriend inevitably finds out that friend is an ex, then, because you lied to him, he believes there must still be feelings there.
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Your partner isn’t thrilled
Look, it’s not like anybody is sitting around out there thinking, “Boy oh boy do I just hope and dream to find a partner who is friends with her ex. That’s just my ideal scenario. That’d be great!” Absolutely not. And no matter how much you assure your partner there are no romantic feelings left there, he’ll never be thrilled about the situation.
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The ex’s partners aren’t thrilled
And your ex’s new partners won’t love the situation, either. Both of you will be inclined to assure all parties there is nothing to worry about and this doesn’t even have to be a thing. I implore you try this exercise: what if your partner had an ex come around, wanting to be friends? How would you feel?
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You know you’d never go there
You know that your ex is literally the smallest threat to your relationship. New men you don’t know entice you far more than your ex. You’ve already been there, done that, and know from experience that it didn’t work out. You already tried a romantic relationship there, and put it in the dumpster.
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But to your partner, it feels like the biggest threat
Your partner, however, will always feel that your ex is the biggest threat to the relationship. He won’t think about the fact that you two broke up for a reason. He won’t acknowledge that you already know things can’t work out there. He’ll just think about the fact that, at one time, you loved that ex.
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Suddenly not watching them change
There is this new and funny discretion that happens when you’re friends with an ex. You used to have sex with this person, and now, you leave the room when he changes. Or you go in the bathroom to change. Maybe you don’t even feel it’s necessary, but your boyfriend wouldn’t be thrilled about you changing in front of another man.
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People ask if you’ll get back together
Friends and family naturally ask, all of the time, if you two will get back together. You get along well enough to be friends. You seem to have fun together. They can’t understand why you don’t just make it romantic again. You explain to them that, they have to not see him as an ex anymore, but just as your male friend. And it’s not like they ask you why you don’t date every male friend with whom you get along.
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People dread you’ll get back together
There are some people who dread that you’ll get back together. You two, romantically, were not good together. You fought a lot. Or were terribly codependent. You brought out the worst in each other. Some friends watch the situation very closely to make sure it stays platonic.
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Your ex gives you good relationship advice
Funny enough, your ex gives you some of the best relationship advice. Hey, he knows what stuff bothers you in a relationship. He knows how you can get with a boyfriend. He sees what’s going on in your relationship so clearly, so sometimes you ask him for relationship advice.
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New partners are jealous of the insight
Your new partner is jealous of the insight your ex has. Your ex has like this lengthy manual on how to deal with you—at least, that’s how it feels to your new partner. You have to remind him that your ex only knows how to deal with you to an extent—you did break up, after all.
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You still have some of the same fights
There were reasons you two didn’t work out, remember. You like your ex enough to be friends with him, but he still has some behaviors and patterns that really piss you off. So, sometimes, you find yourselves fighting about the same stuff you fought about when you were dating.
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But you get to just take a break
The beauty of just being friends is that you can just take a break from this friend when he’s driving you nuts. There isn’t this urgency to resolve the matter, the way there was when you were dating. You can just…take some space, and let someone else deal with him.
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Splitting bills
This man who used to pay for your dinner, movie tickets, Ubers—everything—is now asking for your half of the money for the tacos. Hey, you’re friends now. And you both get that. But it’s funny the first few times it happens because it’s just not the way things used to be.
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You can’t believe you ever…
Sometimes, you can’t believe you ever dated and slept with this person. Woah. The thought makes you shiver. Your body rejects the idea. This is so totally not someone you should be romantically or sexually involved with. You almost feel like that happened in another life.
