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I’ve been friends with a few love addicts in my life. The very reasons I’ve been drawn to them—they’re raw, personable, social, exciting, fiercely loving and affectionate—are the same reasons their addiction takes over their lives. If you are a love and sex addict, and have all of those qualities I just described, you can imagine how easy it is to get your hands on your vice (aka sex and relationships). It’s probably hard to be shy, anti-social, cold, and a love addict. The two just never go hand-in-hand.
You may wonder why I let myself be friends with any sort of addict at all. But you have to understand that, while love and drugs have a lot of commonalities—including what it feels like to come down from them—love addicts can, for the most part, masquerade as healthy and functional adults. They are still technically sober. And when they are single, or when they have bouts of staying away from love and sex, they have complete control over their actions—well as much control as any adult can have. And they can make great friends.
Being good friends with a love and sex addict can really suck at times, though. It’s tough because, you want your friend to find love. And presumably one does that by dating. But you can sense that there is something unhealthy at play around how she handles dating and relationships, and it often affects you. Any good friend is there for her friend during breakups, and to hear all about the dating and hookup stories, so you’re there like that for this friend. But you can get pulled in too deep being there for a love addict. Her need for support is different, and at times unhealthy. Here is why it’s tough being friends with a love addict.
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She’ll leave your plans early
She’ll often pull the plug on your plans early, and you know it’s because the person she is dating invited her over. You go to the movies, and had talked about having dinner after. She’s texting a lot during the movies (with her beau, you’re sure), and “suddenly” doesn’t feel well and wants to go home. But you know she went to see the guy.
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Or flake entirely
She’ll flake a lot on your plans entirely. When she is single, she may be totally reliable. But as soon as a guy comes into the picture, you know that any plan you make is only a pseudo plan, and can change in an instant if her current boyfriend asks to see her then.
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Or bring her beau without asking
Sometimes, she’ll just show up to plans with you with her boyfriend. You two have a long friendship and you want to catch up, just the two of you. Her boyfriend is practically a stranger to you. You don’t want him there. Of course, she insists you two should get to know each other, and you know that’s a lost cause since they’ll be done within the month.
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She’s often in crisis mode
She is always having some crisis. A relationship is ending. A relationship has just ended. A new relationship is bumpy. She likes three guys at the same time. Every time she calls you, she needs to talk to you right now and it’s an “emergency.” It can feel like your friendship is just a show about her sometimes.
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So your stuff gets overshadowed
Naturally, since she’s always having some “crisis,” your stuff gets overlooked. She doesn’t know that your childhood pet passed away or that you didn’t get that promotion or your short story got rejected from that publication. When would there have been the time to mention it during all of her crisis?
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She understands your advice
You have tried to suggest things like, “Hey, maybe you should spend some time alone—it’d be good for you,” or “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t move in with that guy you’ve known for two months.” She does seem to understand—she even says out loud the very reasons you’re right.
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But is too weak to take it
When it comes down to it, she may be too weak to recover from this addiction. Her brain understands that she has a problem, but she just isn’t strong enough to do what she needs to do—to “get sober” from love. You have high hopes every time she seems to be getting better, and those hopes are often shattered.
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Sometimes, she isn’t herself
When she’s really deep in a love bender, you don’t even recognize her. She is talking nonsense. The things she is saying sound really nuts. She is considering going to the restaurant where her boyfriend’s ex works and complaining about the service, trying to get her fired, all because that woman hit “like” on your friend’s man’s recent Facebook post.
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She may cross some lines
Love and sex addicts sleep with people they shouldn’t sleep with. They sh*t where they eat. They cross the line. They don’t have boundaries. So they may sleep with people and make things really weird for all of you. Like if this friend sleeps with your best male buddy or your sibling.
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And it’s all for nothing
The worst part is that, all of the drama that comes from this friend sleeping with, say, your best male buddy is for nothing. If you felt these two were truly meant for each other, maybe you’d just let it slide. But she’ll sleep with your male buddy, dump him, and leave you dealing with the wreckage.
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Her moods are up and down
When she’s in a spiral, she’ll either be on a high—manic, almost, acting so excited and hyper that it’s scary—or she’ll be so low and so depressed that you’re worried about her. You never know what you’re going to get when you go to see her because she may have just broken up with someone, or gotten engaged…for the sixth time.
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Her addiction rules your plans
She is insistent that you two go to this bar that is way across town—a $70 Uber ride—and that has terrible Yelp reviews, and is kind of in a scary part of town, too. She makes up some reason why it’s the best place to go. The true reason becomes apparent when you get there and realize she just has a crush on the bartender.
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Double dating is a nightmare
You try to do double dates with her and her men, but she never really dates anyone long enough for them to fall into a peaceful rhythm. You’ve been on many double dates with her that ended with her or her date storming out, or getting into a yelling match, and getting you all banned form the establishment.
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But she wants to feel supported
Of course, if you don’t invite her current boyfriend along for your plans—like if you have a dinner party and invite her, but not her boyfriend of three weeks—she accuses you of not being supportive of her relationship. You just get tired of making efforts for these guys that disappear.
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How do you know when he’s “the one”
You know that, eventually, hopefully, she’ll be with someone for the right reasons—and not just out of the addiction. But how do you know when that is? You’ve grown accustomed to writing off all of her relationship because, so far, they have all proven to be a symptom of the addiction.
