How To Actually Love People From A Distance - Page 3
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Unfortunately, not all of our loved ones are capable of treating us the way that we deserve to be treated. And while we love them, we sometimes have to make the painful decision to back away and love them from a distance. Choosing to establish boundaries in a toxic or hurtful relationship is very different from cutting someone off or and not speaking to them. When you love someone from a distance, you remain committed to the relationship, but you’ve made the decision to establish firm boundaries in order to protect yourself and your peace. If you feel that you made need to put some distance between yourself and a loved one, here are a few things to keep in mind.
Check your motives
First and foremost, ask yourself why you’re distancing yourself. Are you doing it to punish the person or group for the wrong that they’ve done to you or are you doing it to guard yourself against unhealthy and hurtful behaviors? If the latter sounds like you, you’re on the right track. If you identify more with the former, you may want to step back reconsider your approach. It’s hard to truly love a person from a distance when the goal of the separation is payback.
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Resist the guilt trips
When to revoke people’s access to you, one of the first things that they will do is trying to make you feel guilty about it. Don’t feed into the guilt trips. You know exactly why you need to distance yourself and you are not obligated to defend your decision. You don’t have to subject yourself to anyone’s toxic behaviors.
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Work on forgiving them, even if they haven’t apologized
In order for you to fully benefit from the separation, you need to work on forgiving the person or group — even if you haven’t actually been offered an apology. It’s important to remember that forgiveness is for you — not the other person. You won’t be able to truly release them if you’re still carrying bitterness over what happened.
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Deal with feelings of resentment
Of course, forgiving the people who have can require immense levels of self-work and it is much easier said than done — especially when they’re not sorry. In some cases, you’ll only be able to work through those issues with a professional such as a therapist or life coach.
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Give your self time to grieve the relationship as you formerly knew it
Perhaps this decision means that you will no longer be close to someone you used to have an extremely close relationship with. There will be a void there and you may feel sad about it. Be sure to acknowledge that loss.
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Avoid making grand announcements about your decision
If you’re serious about distancing yourself, there’s no need to make a big announcement about it. It will likely only lead to unnecessary conflict and drama. Just slowly back away.
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Don’t be passive-aggressive
If you’ve decided that the best way to protect your mental and emotional health is to back away from a person or group, then do that. But don’t resort to passive-aggressive antics in an effort to get the attention of the person you’re distancing yourself from. Go quietly and without drama. If you feel that you should have a conversation beforehand, be direct.
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Don’t try to recruit others
The point is not to isolate the other person, so as tempting as it may be, avoid trying to convince others of reasons that they should join you in backing away from that person.
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Don’t force people to pick sides
Although it can feel that way at times, loving someone from a distance is not the same as cutting someone off and not speaking to them. You’re not beefing with the person and therefore don’t need to convince loved ones to pick sides.
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Don’t talk gossip about the person
If you’re going to continue to dwell on negativity, you may as well stay connected to the person you’re backing away from. Talking greasy about them just keeps you in the middle of mess.
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