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If you’re going to spend your life with someone, you have to be able to tell him anything. I’m telling you, if you find yourself in a new relationship right now, attempting to curate your persona, trying to hide certain elements of yourself, and trying so hard to only put the best, most manicured version of your forward…stop that right now. If you feel you can’t stop that, then you may be with the wrong person, and may need to bail on that relationship. If you can stop it, then stop. You’d have to eventually. Think about it: it’s not sustainable to go a lifetime being so calculated about what you share with your partner. That’s exhausting. Plus, it will create distance. You’ll feel you have two lives—your inner life, that only you know about, and the one you share with your partner, which is separate. That’s not good for your intimacy.
It’s not like any man worth your time would expect you to be perfect. Any emotionally mature man knows that everybody has an ugly side. Everybody has insecurities. Everybody can feel jealous and less-than. The key to a healthy relationship isn’t necessarily always being your best self—it’s being able to be open about those sides of you that aren’t so shiny and perfect. In fact, when you can talk about those parts of you, sometimes, you can work through them—minimize them. The things we keep a secret have the most control over us.
If you’re wondering just how open the lines of communication are between you and your partner, there are some indicators. Maybe you two are doing pretty well as it is. Maybe you need to open up more. Maybe you’ve tried and your partner wasn’t receptive (which is not good). Here are signs you can tell your partner anything.
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He knows about your wild past
The college years. The experimental years. That indecent exposure arrest in Las Vegas. Your short stint making money as a, um, dancer. You don’t have to frantically ask your college friends who come to visit to edit their stories and cut certain facts out. Your partner knows you had a wild past, and that that isn’t who you are anymore.
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Or that you were once unfaithful
Not to this partner, but an ex. Maybe when you were younger and hadn’t fully learned to appreciate a relationship, or didn’t fully understand the repercussions of infidelity. You cheated once, and you deeply regret it. But this partner knows about it, doesn’t judge you, and understands that that isn’t you anymore.
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There’s no secret text with friends
Maybe in previous relationships, you had a text thread ongoing with friends in which you vented to them all about your life, and your relationship. You spoke to them about your fears and thoughts about the relationship, and life in general, because you weren’t speaking to your partner. But now no such thread exists, because you talk to your partner.
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He never makes you feel weak
You can tell your partner that you aren’t sure if you can do something, that you’re afraid, or that you feel inadequate in some role in your life. He never looks at you like that’s an ugly thing to feel. When you feel weak, he never confirms that weakness. He makes you feel it’s perfectly normal to feel that way sometimes, but also tells you that it isn’t true about you.
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He doesn’t make it out to be more
Sometimes, we have thoughts that we don’t like. Fears. Insecurities. Ugly desires. They’re just passing thoughts. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar kind of thing. You can tell your partner a thought or feeling you had that was fleeting, and he doesn’t make it out to be more if you assure him it isn’t more.
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You don’t need your therapist as much
If you are in therapy and it helps you, that’s wonderful. Therapy can be a great tool if you make the most of it. But, perhaps since being with this partner, you’ve been able to cut back from weekly sessions to monthly, or bi-weekly to just weekly. You have your partner now whom you can talk to and who makes you feel heard.
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Or your journal
You’ve cut back on journaling (if you’re a journaler). You used to feel very alone with your thoughts, and felt the only way to release them was to write them in a journal. But now, your partner is like your living journal. You can share everything with him, so you don’t need to record it anymore.
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Your brain feels like a safer place
Perhaps sometimes, your brain doesn’t feel like a safe place to be. Sometimes you’re afraid to just be alone for a few hours because you don’t know what bad thoughts you’ll have—thoughts like, “I’m not lovable” or “I won’t be successful.” But since being with your partner, you feel safer with your thoughts. You’re always able to share such bad thoughts with him, which kinds of helps them just…go away.
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He’s known your jealous side
You can be jealous. Maybe of his ex girlfriend commenting on his Facebook post. Maybe of your friend who go the job you wanted or your coworker whose work got published in a magazine that you submitted your work to. You’ve admitted to your partner feelings of jealousy, and he hasn’t found it distasteful—he gets that sometimes, that’s just a part of being human.
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And your vengeful side
There have been moments in your life that you aren’t proud of, because you were vengeful. You left a nasty review of your ex’s business online, because it was a bad breakup. Or you just had desires that something bad would happen to someone who wronged you. You can tell your partner these things, and he doesn’t think you’re a monster.
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He knows your worst family secrets
Your dad’s infidelity. Perhaps some abuse that occurred. Financial destruction. A brief dalliance with a cult? I don’t know what your family did but most families have some skeletons in their closet and moments they aren’t proud of. You’ve told your partner, and he didn’t freak out.
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You cry around him semi-frequently
Not in a bad way. And it isn’t him who makes you cry. You just feel so free to be emotional around him and express your feelings, that you let out a healthy cry around him somewhat regularly. You feel so comfortable around him, that you can let your emotions out like that.
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You feel more normal with him
Since being with him, you think, “Maybe I’m pretty normal after all.” You’ve showed him every side of you—the dark and the ugly and the ‘crazy’ and the insecure—and he hasn’t flinched. He’s never made you feel judged or looked at you differently for what you’ve shared with him.
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You never fear he’s hiding anything
Because you’re so open with him, he’s open with you, too. You never worry that he’s keeping feelings or thoughts from you. You can genuinely sense that it’s all out in the open. You feel at peace when you two sit in silence, because you know that if he had something to say, he’d say it.
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And you never judge him
You’ve never judged him, either. You know there’s almost nothing he could tell you that would make you think less of him. You’ve responded well to his dirty laundry. There is this overall sense of trust here that you both know who the other one is, and no information could change that now.
