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The right partner should bring out the best version of you. He should highlight all the qualities you love in yourself, and help you dampen some of those you aren’t so proud of. But, nobody can be perfect, all of the time. And though you want to be the lovely person your partner thinks you are all of the time, if you’re with someone for a long time, sometimes you’ll be the person you’re least proud to be. Proximity can breed contempt. Predictability can make us grumpy. And, when we’re in a bad mood, who do we take it out on? Our loved ones, because we know they aren’t going anywhere.
Yup, sometimes you’ll find yourself behaving in a way towards your partner that later makes you feel so ashamed. You swear that a young, teen you, dreaming of finding your soul mate wouldn’t believe you could talk to him like that. “You spent decades looking for this man and that’s how you treat him?!” That’s what a naïve, idealistic, teenage you would probably say. But what did she know about the realities of spending years with someone under the same roof? What did she know about going through growing pains with someone and being there with somebody through thick and thin? That won’t always have our personalities shining.
Though things should be mostly good in your relationship and you should speak to each other predominantly with kindness, don’t be too hard on yourself if once in a while, you aren’t your best self. I promise you that even couples who seem perfect exchange some choice words behind closed doors, and have moments they’re less than proud of. The important thing is that you apologize, and get that love flowing again. Here are relationship moments we’re never proud of.
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Being a long-term nurse
If you’re married, then you promised to be there for each other “in sickness and in health.” Even if you aren’t married, the understanding is that you take care of one another when you’re sick. But when your partner is going on day seven of the flu, you may get tired of being at his beck and call, and you may just pretend not to hear him when he asks for one more cup of tea or for someone to bring him the remote control. Or, you may just “run an errand” (go get a drink/massage) that you drag out, just to get away.
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Going out when he’s feeling down
Even though you care about your partner deeply and want to cheer him up when he’s down, there will be times when his unfortunate mood and your fun event coincide to create the perfect storm. You know that you should stay home and be with your man if he’s feeling depressed—especially since he won’t outright tell you he needs help—but instead, you decide to go to the party without him.
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Calling him on his family sh*t
Everybody has their family sh*t that is so clear cut to the outsider. You know that your partner is too easily triggered by those comments his dad makes. You know your man relies too heavily on his brother’s opinion—like he worships him. You can see just what’s wrong with his family, and one day, when he’s complaining about them yet again, you may just list off all the reasons his family problems are his fault. Whoops.
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Calling him on his career issues
What is it? He doesn’t believe in himself enough? He’s chasing a pipe dream? He needs public speaking classes? He doesn’t know how to compose himself in a professional setting? Everybody has their flaws and weaknesses when it comes to their careers. Because you want your partner to succeed so badly, that emotion may come out the wrong way one day when you rather angrily tell him what he’s doing wrong.
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Comparing him to somebody else
Your sister’s boyfriend. Your man’s best friend. Your ex. One day, you may just lose it in a fight and let your man know that your ex never behaved like this or that his own brother is far superior to him in this regard. Oh no. Nobody likes to be compared. And it’s hard to put that toothpaste back in the bottle. But, in the heat of the moment, sometimes, this is just something we do.
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Leaving him out when he’s indecisive
He just won’t decide on a movie, a restaurant, a hike, an activity, a friend group to see, and you’re anxious to get your day going. So you just…go have a day without him. The company (aka your partner) should be more important than just getting to do whatever you want to do. But, again, you’ve been with this man a long time and some days you just don’t have the patience to agree on a movie with him so you say, “Forget it I’m going alone.”
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Nitpicking over nothing
He didn’t hand wash the silverware thoroughly. He didn’t fold the towel so it didn’t dry properly. He left a mess on the coffee table. These are not big problems—surely not big enough to lose your temper over with the person you love. But, if you live with someone, you might just be a little too critical over these tiny issues, bring them up with a nasty tone, and storm out of the room.
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Sexual criticism
I did say that proximity can breed contempt, and that can even be true in the bedroom. If you’re going to spend years with somebody, you may just finally say—in a bit of an impatient tone—“Can you like, stop doing that thing in bed? Nobody likes that.” Or, if he just hasn’t wanted to have sex in a while you may turn to questioning his masculinity (or sexuality).
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Tiring of his festivities
You love your man, but when his birthday lasts for a week, you may grow tired of reserving so many evenings for his birthday dinner, then his birthday pub crawl, then the birthday party you’re having at your place, and the birthday dinner his friends want to host for him at their place. You’re supposed to have a big smile on your face about each event because you’re celebrating the birth of the man you love. But a person only has so many birthday festivities in her.
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Cursing
You never want to curse at your loved ones. But, it can happen. Your partner can try your last nerve. He can say something that really hits home—something that really gets under your skin—and it just comes rushing out of you… “F*&k you!” Oh no. Did you really just say that to the person you love? Well, hopefully that doesn’t happen more than twice a decade, but it can happen.
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Yelling
Raising our voices is another thing we’re never proud of. Yelling is a tool for those who aren’t emotionally adept enough (or equipped with good vocabulary) to use their words to express their feelings. But sometimes, that’s you. Sometimes, it can be anybody. When you’ve already tried expressing yourself with every word you can think of, you can feel that there’s nothing left to do but yell.
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Breakup bluffing
“Well maybe we should just breakup, then!” “Maybe you should just leave me for what’s her name from your office.” “Maybe this isn’t meant to be!” “Maybe I should just pack up and leave!” Ah yes, the old breakup bluff. You don’t mean it. But you say it when you feel backed into a corner, and when your partner is calling you on some stuff that is true.
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Walking out for a bit
Not officially walking out but just like…going for a walk. Going for a drive. Going somewhere—not telling him where. Not telling him when you’ll be back. Not answering your phone. You know that you always plan on going back, but on his end—the one who just got walked out on and can’t get ahold of you—it feels like you just officially walked out. And that can cause a fight bigger than whatever the first fight was about.
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Squabbling over money
You love your partner. You’d never shake him down for the $40 he owes you, right? Nah. You don’t even keep track of those things. Your money is his and visa versa. Well, sort of. But when it feels the scales have been tipped too far in one direction lately and you’ve been doing a lot of lending without seeing much payback, you may just have to tell him, “Uh, hey, you owe me like $200. From this thing, and that thing, and the other thing.”
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Forgetting the love
We all have those moments when we forget that the love is there, and we forget how lucky we are to have found our special person. Instead, we think about the mess he left in the bathroom, or how loudly he watches TV, or that one little flaw of his that’s been acting up lately. And then, we behave in a way we aren’t proud of. I promise you, all the best couples do it.
