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Discovering who someone is in bed is always a funny thing. Sometimes, somebody is just what you’d expect—the personality under the sheets is quite similar to that in the streets. The humorous man is playful. The powerful, ambitious man is domineering. The sweet man is gentle. But then, sometimes, a guy can surprise you and bring a completely different persona to the bedroom than what you know of him the rest of the time. That can be especially confusing and frustrating when you find that a guy is just closed off in bed. In conversation, he wears his heart on his sleeve. In bed, you’d swear he’d keep his sleeves on if he could—heck you think he’d prefer keeping his full suit on. He’s just that…reserved.
Luckily, I’m not with any such individual today, but I dealt with it once. When you really like someone, it can be tough if the sexual chemistry isn’t there. But it’s even tougher if part of the problem is that this person will not talk about it. What’s it all about? A devoutly catholic upbringing? Some odd notions about how talking to your partner, about sex, robs a man of his masculinity? I don’t know. I never really quite found out because he wouldn’t talk about our bedroom problems in or outside of the bedroom. He’d become angry when I brought them up.
Now, looking back, it was funny. It is funny. I hope that poor guy figured out his issues, because I can’t imagine any woman was going to be content leading a sex life the way he wanted to. And, to be frank, he didn’t want that—there were just some fears or issues holding him back. I hope he got over those. Here’s a look at the hilarious experience of dating a man who is closed off in bed.
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Missionary all the time
It was all missionary, all the time. At first, you think it’s sweet—like, “Oh, how nice, he wants to look me in the eyes.” But eventually, that’s just too much eye contact all of the time. Plus, missionary doesn’t hit the right angles for me. Does it for anybody? No matter how we’d be positioned during foreplay, he would very methodically and officially get into missionary when it was time for sex.
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The flip around game
We’d play the hilarious game of everyone trying to reposition and re-reposition. I’d try to move us into a different position. He’d just make a counter move, so we were back in missionary. It was almost like Krav Maga or some martial arts. We were actually battling each other, while trying to be intimate.
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No talking during sex
He refused to talk during sex. I’d ask him how he liked something I was doing, and he’d just give an uncomfortable smile, maybe a groan, and not reply. It is very difficult to figure out what someone likes or doesn’t like like that. I don’t expect a big talker but I mean, come on, can I get some hints as to how I’m doing?
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I mean no talking
Really, he just didn’t want to talk about sex, during sex, or outside of sex. If we finished and I’d even just do the usual wind-down of trying to say that was great or I liked this or that thing he did, he’d just nod or say, “Cool” and be out the door. It was almost as if he was ashamed of sex and once it was over, we had to pretend it didn’t happen.
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The toy push away
If I so much as attempted to bring any sort of toy into the picture, it was too funny. I’d try to subtly grab it from a drawer during foreplay. He’d just reach for my hand, and put the toy back in the drawer. Sometimes the toy would go “missing.” This was not a man who was comfortable with any thing besides our two bodies in bed.
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Deflection, deflection, deflection
When I would try to broach the subject of our sex life, he would just deflect. I’d go so far as to pitch him suggestions as to why he was so closed off. He would at first laugh and say, “You’re too funny” and change the subject. If I pushed too much, he’d accuse me of being obsessed with sex.
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Sex withholding as punishment
Any time I tried to talk about our sex issues, I knew that I risked us just not having sex for a while. And I understand that sometimes long-term couples have less sex, but communication over sex should not be the cause. It was with us, though. He was so insecure about the topic that he felt uncomfortable having sex for a while if I tried to address our issues.
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The silent post-fight
Because of all the mini fights we’d have during sex—me trying to navigate us into a different position, him putting us back in missionary, me trying to do new moves and bring in toys, him squashing that idea—there was such an awkwardness after sex. You know how you feel after a fight with your partner? That’s kind of how it felt after sex. We’d just had many unspoken arguments.
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Trying to drop hints
Since direct conversation about what I wanted in bed didn’t seem to work—or, he wouldn’t even have the conversation—I would try to drop hints. You know—I’d just find playful ways to try to mention something I’d seen or read about that I was interested in. Then I’d wait to see if those hints made it into our sex life…nope. This wasn’t about him not knowing what I wanted or not wanting to talk directly about it. He was genuinely uncomfortable trying the stuff.
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A little drunken experimentation
On a few occasions, after we’d had a few drinks, he was up to trying some of the things I’d been wanting to try. It’s funny—I think alcohol shows someone’s true desires. So seeing he wanted to try that stuff when his inhibitions were gone told me he did actually want to try it. His sober mind just wouldn’t let him.
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Followed by resentment
When we would try other stuff in bed a little drunk, he’d be upset with me after. I could just tell. He’d be standoffish. He seemed uncomfortable in his own skin. It’s not like I made him try that stuff. That was really his subconscious coming to the forefront and showing him what he wanted. But somehow, it was my fault.
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Sex scenes in movies
If a sex scene came on in a movie we were watching, the energy in the room got so tense. He’d always get up to do some pretend chore. Or sometimes he’d just say, “Okay, we get the picture” and fast forward. It felt like I was watching a sex scene with my mother. He just couldn’t stand having us witness people doing things that we never did in bed.
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Sex jokes from friends
Outsiders presumed we were a normal couple who was comfortable talking about sex—with each other and with outsiders. Even conservative couples can still crack a few jokes about it. So sometimes our friends would just make jokes about things we should or might do in the bedroom, and my partner would get so annoyed. After, he’d say things like, “That person always takes things too far” or “Why does that friend have to try to be so gross?”
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It broke us
I can’t exactly say our sex life broke us, but, a couple’s sex life is always just a symptom of a deeper issue. Someone who is that closed off in bed does, as you can imagine, have some psychological and/or emotional issues. The more I tried to open him up sexually, the more closed off he became outside of the bedroom, too.
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He may still think I’m deranged
To this day, he may still think it was all my fault. People have a hard time seeing their issues when they’re in the thick of them. When we broke up, he made some nasty comments about how I was free to go off and be a freak with other men then. If others ask him about our story, he probably says I was deranged, all because I didn’t want to do missionary, all of the time.
