Signs You And Your Partner Have Fallen Out Of Sync

relationship connection issues

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It’s unrealistic to expect that you and your partner will feel in sync every day for your entire lives. You have separate lives, outside this relationship, in addition to the life you share together, so when you come together at the end of the day, you aren’t always in the same mood. At various points in life, one or both of you could go through something that is so all-consuming that you couldn’t possibly feel like you were on the same page with anyone—your partner, best friend, or anybody. That’s to be expected.

However, when we do find our person—that someone who really understands us—part of the beauty of a good relationship is having access to that feeling of coming home, of feeling safe, and of feeling understood even when life seems to make no sense. When you have that bond with somebody, it’s a gift that makes you feel like, no matter what happens, you’ll never feel alone. No matter what else is happening in your life, it’s a good life because you have your partner through it all.

Keeping that bond doesn’t just happen, though. If you aren’t careful, it can slip away. One day of feeling disconnected turns into a week which turns into a month which turns into a year. Suddenly you just don’t know how you’ll ever find your way back to each other. The truth is that, you have to make the effort regularly to fine-tune and maintain that bond or it can slip away and you’ll feel out of sync. So be aware if that’s happening. If you get ahead of it, you won’t find yourselves feeling totally disconnected. Are you and your partner out of sync? Here are some signs.

You’re energized when he’s tired

When you finish your day so excited to talk, tell him everything, and have some fun, he’s just not there with you. You almost feel like a little kid annoying the adult in the room because you’re trying to crack jokes and liven things up. And he’s giving you almost nothing, and looks totally exhausted.

You want to cuddle when he wants alone time

You’re desperately in the mood to cuddle when he really doesn’t feel like being touched. When you feel those bonding hormones flowing from you to him, it doesn’t seem that he’s feeling them, too. Or, on the flipside, when he’s in the mood to cuddle, you want nothing to do with human contact.

You’re never turned on at the same time

You’re never horny at the same time. If you do have sex, it’s because one of you is taking one for the team and just being a good sport. But it’s been a while since you both overwhelming wanted each other at the same time. You know the feeling—it only happens when you’ve been emotionally in sync leading up to the sex.

You want to hang: he wants isolation

When you’re feeling social—when you want to go to that party you two have been invited to or meet those friends for drinks—he’s feeling antisocial. He doesn’t want to see any humans, and you really want to be out and about. You never feel this way on the same day, so you either go out alone, or you stay in, wishing you were out.

You aren’t tapping into his good news

When he has good news, you should feel happy for him. You should even feel like you have good news! When you’re connected to somebody, his good news is your good news. But you haven’t been feeling that way. If you’ve had a rough day, his good news cannot cheer you up. You just aren’t tapped into his energy field.

And he isn’t tapping into yours

He isn’t tapping into your energy, either. It feels like your moods are inappropriate together and totally conflicting. Maybe you don’t understand how, after you’ve had such a bad day, he can manage to stay in a good mood. It almost feels insulting that he’s over there celebrating while you’re down.

You don’t want to do the same activities

You’re never in the mood to do the same thing. You can’t agree on a restaurant, a movie, a hike, a museum exhibit, or anything. It may seem meaningless, but when you’re in sync, you are more likely to be in the mood for the same activities. Not all of the time but at least most of the time. When you feel connected, you share similar moods, and that naturally leads to craving similar activities.

Or be around the same people

When you want to be around that peppy friend who is always telling hilarious hookup stories, your partner is not in the mood for her antics. When you want to go on a double date with that one couple, your partner says he’s just not really feeling their presence tonight. That makes it pretty hard to have a social life together.

You notice the silence

You find yourself noticing when it’s silent in the room. That’s not good. The comfortable silence is gone. Now you sit in uncomfortable silence. But uncomfortable silence is usually just among strangers, isn’t it? Or people who are in a fight. You aren’t fighting and you aren’t strangers, but you are in the weird place in between: you are out of sync. So you notice the silence.

You find yourself editing yourself

You find yourself thinking a lot before you speak to your partner. That’s important to do in most areas of life, but your relationship should be the one place you can speak with no filter. But still, you find yourself thinking twice before saying something, or choosing your words carefully, for fear your partner will misunderstand you.

There’s a lot of over-explaining

In general, there’s a lot of over-explaining going on. You two do misunderstand each other a lot. You take things the wrong way. You take things personal that weren’t meant to be. There’s so much back pedaling and apologizing and repeating yourselves in a new way. It almost sounds like a United Nations meeting in this room.

You’re arguing about dumb things

You’ve started arguing about really dumb things, like how you told him it’s a better deal to get the giant tub of hand soap for $5 instead of the little individual $1 ones. Or the fact that he takes too long to pick up his phone when you’re calling from outside to ask him to move his car in the tandem parking spot. Some small issues are indicative of bigger problems, but these ones are just dumb.

You find his playfulness disruptive

When he’s trying to be playful, dancing in front of you when you’re watching TV or playing with your ear while you’re on the phone, you find it disruptive. You don’t think it’s cute or endearing at all. You just focus on how he’s getting in the way of what you’re trying to do, and not on how he’s possibly trying to make you smile.

You experience the same thing differently

You leave an event, talk about what you thought about it, and find that you experienced it totally differently. You thought it was a great night—you thought the vibe was awesome—and your partner apparently felt weirded out the whole night. The setting made him anxious. That one guest was rude. You interpreted the night completely differently.

You feel lonely

You feel lonely, overall. If you think back to a time when you two were certainly in sync, you never felt lonely. You knew at any moment, you could pick up the phone and call your partner, or wander into whichever room of the house he was in, and feel an instant connection. You always knew that was available to you, but now, you don’t.

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