Why It’s Good If He’s Friends With His Ex Wife
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Friends with exes. Whether it’s you who is friends with an ex while he’s in a relationship, or while you’re in a relationship, or your partner is friends with an ex, and that ex is or isn’t in a relationship, it’s always a complicated matter. Generally speaking, when we hear anyone talk about being friends with an ex we think, “Bad idea.” Which, for the record, I totally understand.
I know too many people who are friends with their exes and they’re not really friends with their exes so much as they keep their exes in the picture to have someone to flirt with/get attention from/sleep with in between other relationships. A lot of times, if the ex is in the picture, he’s just a safety blanket the person clings to when other things don’t work out. Or, he’s even around in case the two want to give it another shot (usually not the best idea). Even though being friends with one’s ex seems like it goes against everything that is natural and good in this world, there are rare occasions when it’s okay. In fact, there are times when, if someone doesn’t have some base level of friendship with his ex, I have concerns.
If a man is divorced, but was with his ex wife for a very long time and/or had children with his ex, he probably should have some sort of friendship there. Of course, if you’re dating that man, you may not love that dynamic. But, if you are getting serious with a divorced man who is friends with his ex wife, let me put it this way: him having a friendly relationship with his ex spouse is a much better sign than him having nothing to do with her. Here’s why your man should be friends with his ex wife.
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He once vowed “’Til death do us part”
There was a time when he cared so deeply about this person that he made vows to be there for her through sickness and in health and until death did them part. While he may have fallen out of love with her, something’s wrong with somebody who can go from taking such vows to literally not caring what happens to that very person to whom they made those vows. If he has any human decency, he’ll still care about what happens to his ex.
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He once chose her
He also did, at one time, feel very strongly that this person was right for him. It turns out she wasn’t, but, hopefully, if this man knows who he is and what he wants, there would still be some semblance of love there. Though she may not have been perfect for him, in the end, there should have still been elements of her that were right for him if he has any good judgment at all. And if that’s the case, they’d still be friendly. If he now hates her and can’t find one good thing to say about her, what does that say of his sense of judgment?
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The divorce didn’t have to be messy
Some divorces are messy, but they don’t have to be. Sometimes, two people grow apart, understand they’re not working anymore, but still have respect for one another. Truly, you want to end up with a guy whose divorce went down like that. Because the other type of divorce involves infidelity, breaking and smashing things, slander, restraining orders, and all of that. If he’s friends with his ex, it’s because the two managed to end on good terms, and that’s a sign of great maturity.
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They have shared friends
If the two were married for a while, then they likely have common friends. That’s fairly normal of couples. If they want to maintain those friendships, then the two of them need to maintain some base level of friendship themselves so they don’t make life a living hell for their shared friends. If he’s friends with his ex for the sake of a shared friend group, that means he cares about how his actions affect other people.
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They have shared family
At one point, he was her family’s family. He was her parent’s son-in-law and her siblings’ brother-in-law. He probably formed deep bonds with those individuals. To some extent, he will (or should) always have a love for those individuals who treated him like family. So he may be friends with his ex because he’s still friends with her family, and that just shows loyalty.
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They may have children
If they have children together but they don’t maintain some level of friendship, that’s a very bad sign. They should be able to get along for the kids. They should be able to be at their child’s birthday party together, laugh, and have fun. If they can’t do that, then that belies a level of selfishness and immaturity that you don’t want to deal with.
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If they aren’t friends, you’ll feel it
If this man has kids with his ex but is on bad terms with his ex, you’ll feel the fall out. Every time you two want to travel and he wants the ex to take the kids, she’ll kick up a fuss, there will be a big fight, the trip may have to be cancelled or, if it goes, he’ll be upset the whole time. Trust me: it’s good for you if he’s on good terms with his baby mama.
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You might become friends
Okay I know this one can be hard to wrap your head around, but you might actually become friends with your man’s ex wife. If they were once married, they must have some things in common. And if you love this man, then you must also have some things in common with him and, visa vie, in common with his ex wife. There’s kind of something special about the understanding between two people who have at one time loved the same person. You’ll love teasing him, with his ex.
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You don’t want a man with anger issues
No matter how sh*tty a man’s ex was, part of being a mature person is forgiving those who wronged us—even if those people didn’t apologize and haven’t changed. That’s true of any relationship. Even if he’s walked away from any sort of friendship there, he shouldn’t be talking badly and angrily about her. That’s a sign of some stunted emotional growth on his part.
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It may feel like a community
While it takes a village to raise children, it also just takes a village to get through life. There may be times you’re glad his ex is in the picture because she knows the best doctor for his condition, she’s in a position to lend you two money when you need it, or many many other things that may come up in life. Because an ex spouse can be like family, that’s just one more addition to your village.
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It’s a sign of diplomacy
Maybe your man and his ex won’t be the best friends. Maybe, in fact, they do have some qualities that could make it easy for them to argue. So it’s even more impressive if they don’t, because that’s a sign of diplomacy. That means your partner prioritizes peace and the good of the group of over his whims and bouts of anger.
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Also, doesn’t hate go with love?
You may also want to worry about the man who openly hates—like fumes and sees red—when he talks about his ex wife because, well, if he claims to no longer have strong feelings about her, then where are these strong feelings of hate coming from? Hate and love tend to dance pretty closely together. If he openly hates her, he probably still has feelings for her. If he can just be around her and get along just fine, then his feelings probably have gone tepid towards her.
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It might make money easier
When a couple divorces on bad terms, they may each do what they can to make the financial matters as difficult as possible. They may draw out battles over shared property and assets, just to piss the other off. And if you’re dating a man in that situation, you’ll deal with it, too. If the two get along, then they’ll likely just choose the path of least resistance and try to make things easier on each other when it comes to matters of money.
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You can be friends with your exes
Hey, what’s fair is fair. If you have an ex who you still really like as a friend—maybe you were friends before you dated—your new partner can’t be mad at you for hanging with said ex if he himself hangs with his ex. And the truth is that sometimes, our exes are some of our best friends. That’s why we loved them so much to begin with.
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It’s a testament to your strength
If your man can be friends with his ex and it doesn’t cause tons of drama or trust issues between the two of you, that’s a testament to the strength of your relationship. It’s not like there won’t be other threats or perceived threats to your bond. An ex wife is just one little thing that may come up. If you can navigate that peacefully, then you can probably get through a lot of things pretty well.
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