Ten Women Weigh In On What They Learned About Love in Their Twenties
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With a new decade on the horizon, it’s a great time to reflect on all that we have learned about life and love over the years. Your 20s are a time of exploration, and when it comes to lessons of love, all of us have had experiences that have helped shaped our views on matters of the heart. I asked ten women to reflect on what they learned about love in their twenties.
Alexis|33|@alexis__simply
Love in my 20’s encompassed a lot pseudo-love; situationships finessed to appease convenient needs. I believed if you stuck around, I could change you. Only if I suppress enough of me and my emotion. It was a reoccurring theme. Attracted to emotionally unavailable people, do the dance for a few months, disconnect, and then heartbreak. Sometimes, I even went back well after the expiration date. It took some time to settle that disappointment when it feels and looks a lot like heartbreak. However, realizing I broke my own heart was my biggest lesson learned. Too many times I ignored my instinct, hoping that some other power would prove me wrong knowing I knew better. Love in my 20’s had me convinced, that I cared too much and so emotional. I was limited in my thinking. Caring and loving the wrong people will have you convinced that [you] are the problem, especially when conflict arises. Love in my 20’s wasn’t all bad though. It set the stage to really do the work on Me. That goes beyond reading self-help books. It took therapy. It took getting to the root of who I am and in love and understanding. Love in my 20’s was the benefactor of how I choose to love in my 30s. Vulnerable and open.
Joselia| 31|@joselia.jpg
You are cosmically enormous and brave. Your love will be mishandled by others, mishandled by yourself–devoured by the gullet of unrequited desire, caged as if savage and despicable by people who think if they do not keep you sequestered, you won’t have the sense of awareness to love freely, by active choice. Your love will grow to realize there are so many parts of you you’ve yet to tap into and once you do, you’ll be astonished by how much you crave the peace of waking up as yourself without needless criticism, championing for yourself in thankful prayer. You won’t lose anything you aren’t meant to have; there is an abundance of joy within you. Anyone who wants to share your love needs to know you love yourself and others without the burden of shame.
Taylor-Alexis|29|@taylordworld
Actively loving yourself should be the basis of your relationships in your 20s. Don’t be afraid to say no to relationships that aren’t fulfilling your wants and needs. Spend time figuring out who you are and what you like and dislike before jumping into such a serious relationship. Let go of whatever fantasy you’ve conjured up in your head about the perfect significant other and experiment by stepping out of your comfort zone. Lastly, be gentle to and with yourself and your mistakes because this is the time to make them!
Janel|28|@janel.la.bella / @jy.originals
If I could give myself any advice about love, I’d say love hard, stay true and do not be discouraged. When you love and understand who you are as an individual and through God, loving others out of the overflow becomes easy and welcomed. It’s also so important to love fully in order to grow, both in platonic and romantic relationships.
We live in a time where our ideas of romantic love can easily be clouded by societal pressures and social media, so balancing staying grounded in your truth and keeping an open heart is crucial.
Never hold a grudge with love. Discernment comes with experience and love teaches many lessons. I would agree that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Roxy|31|@roxquire
- Let go of the notion that you know what you WANT in a partner and focus on what you NEED because sometimes what you want is definitely not what you need.
- Do NOT put your dreams and goals on hold for ANYBODY. Trust that your individual goals can align (if they are meant to) and you can both succeed.
- It is okay for you and your partner to change, just make sure it’s for the better.
- Take as many breaks as you need to figure yourself out and let your partner do the same.
- There is no actual blueprint to love. Sometimes you have to just figure that shit out as it happens and learn from it.
- You don’t know anything about love yet and that’s okay. It’s everchanging and evolving just like you so take your time to figure out how to love yourself and then you will learn to love your partner better.
- Yes, your 20s are about having fun and you should definitely do that but also…chill a little. Just know that the decisions you make in your 20s have a way of rolling over to your 30s and so on.
- Put as much effort into your own relationship as you do rooting for those celeb couples you deem to be #relationshipgoals.
- Just because you love or think you love somebody doesn’t necessarily mean you are supposed to be with them. Love that homie from afar.
Disclaimer: This December marks 12 years with the same partner from when I was 19 years old. All of the lessons I learned about love, I was lucky to learn them with a supportive and patient partner who encouraged self-growth and dream/goal acquisition!
Shanel|27|@shaneleastcoast_
Some solid love advice I would give me 20 year old self would be love yourself first before trying to love someone else. I’m sure most of us have heard “how can you love expect someone to love you when you don’t even love yourself.” The older I get the more I realize how true that statement actually is. Self love also includes self awareness. You need to be in tune with yourself mentally, spiritually and emotionally. When you’re able to do that your partner will just add to all of the wonderful traits that make you uniquely you.
Acira|31|@_asolohipster
Dr. Maya Angelou once said “Love is that condition in the healing spirit so profound that it allows us to forgive”. If I had to give my younger self advice I’d tell me, to forgive. The mistrust I found myself carrying from one relationship to the next, made it hard for me to identify what I really needed. I’d tell me to communicate more and pay attention to the red flags, even the small ones. Like my grandma once said “Everything that’s good to you ain’t good for you”. The sweet kisses only go but so far without substance and intent.
Shannon|30|| @shannon.erialle
You made the right choice for you, at the time.
When you decided that loving yourself was just as important as loving someone else, you were honest.
When you recognized that love shouldn’t hurt, you were courageous.
When you realized that your past didn’t define your future, you were determined.
But when you accepted that love could be healthy and beautiful, you blossomed. So get every bit of it – you’re worth it.
Tannis|29|@_itsmicole
I would first tell myself to calm down – I know I was very anxious about the idea of “love” growing up and wanting to experience this fairytale feeling. I would tell my younger self that love is not so much a feeling as much as it a choice. A choice to constantly show up for someone even when you don’t want to, and that takes a lot of emotional maturity; something I didn’t have too much of when I was a youngin’. I would also tell myself to be open to the different packages and forms love may come in. What you thought your love was going to look like and feel like, could end up being completely different to what shows up at your feet. And it’s important to not close yourself off to something because it’s not what you originally envisioned for yourself. Keep yourself open and love will always find you.
Naomi|36|@bonafidefemme
What you tolerate teaches people how to treat you.
Figure out what is important to you in a relationship and communicate that to your partner. Don’t apologize for expressing your needs and wants. If they cannot or will not meet those standards, don’t take it personally, forgive them, and then move on. You will be better and stronger for it.
