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If you have gone through multiple breakups in the last year—or even the last half a year—I am sorry for the turbulence. If you’re always ending some relationship that you really thought would take off, I do feel bad for that pain. But, I gotta say, I’m also really sorry for your friends. I might be more sorry for them, than for you. Any time we go through a breakup, our friends rally around us, providing support, taking us out, cheering is up, calling us every day to make sure we aren’t just binge watching “Friends” and buying sweaters for our pets in bulk. They make it their job to be there for us.
Likewise, when we’re starting a new relationship about which we’re excited, our friends rally, again. They meet the guy. They hear all about it. They get excited for us. They become hopeful for us. Now, you can imagine that, if your friends are having to do this regularly—rallying around you either to help you get over a breakup or get excited about a new guy—they can get a bit tired of it. There is an unspoken understanding amongst friends that, we really only have so much to give regarding each other’s relationships and breakups. And relationship-hoppers (also known as serial monogamists) really take advantage of their friends’ sympathies to the fullest.
So even though your friends want to be there for you, they probably didn’t think that this entire friendship would be about being there for you. And when you are someone who struggles with some relationship addiction, constantly in the throws of a breakup or relationship fight, your friends can begin to feel like, “What do I even get out of this? I’m her therapist basically.” Here’s why it’s hard on your friends when you’re a relationship-hopper.
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You’re either discussing the new relationship
When you get together with your friends, there is a 50 percent chance the entire conversation is about your new relationship. You want to talk all about what makes this guy great for you, the sex, the cute dates, the cute texts, and how hopeful you are about things. When you’re in a new relationship, it’s all you want to talk about, and you’re usually in a new relationship.
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Or you’re discussing the breakup
Remember how I said there’s a 50 percent chance you’re talking about a new relationship? The other 50 percent chance is that you’re talking about your breakup, because you hop from relationship to relationship so frequently. And, of course, when someone is going through a breakup, that dominates the conversation among friends.
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Either way, it’s all you talk about
One way or another, your friends feel like, when they see you, most of the conversation is about you and your relationships. And, friends don’t typically love that. Sure, they want to know what’s going on with you, but you always have one of two pressing matters happening (a new relationship, or a breakup), that take over the whole hangout. You’re almost never in that nice, calm phase where you’ve been with someone for a long time, and things are going well, and have been, for a long time.
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They make time to meet the guys
Your friends make the time to meet these guys, too. And your friends are busy. Do you have any idea what they do to make it work, when you ask them to please meet you and your new boo for drinks? They probably have to move this appointment back and reschedule that and say no to this other thing just to drive across town and meet your new boo. And you have a new boo a lot so this happens a lot.
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They invest in the guys
They also invest in the guys. That’s their job, as your friend. They take an interest. They talk to the guys. They care about the guys. They get to know the guys. They try to form a friendship there—some rapport—because they know that it’s important to have a friendship with their friend’s boyfriend.
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Then they must hate the guys, too
Then, just like that, on a dime, they have to hate this guy because you broke up with him and now you hate him. To show solidarity, they have to totally flip the script on their feelings about the guy, all because you say so. And you say so a lot, because you’re constantly jumping from one relationship to another.
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When you ditch them for a guy…
Any time you ditch them to be with your guy, they feel pretty pissed off. Look: it would be one thing if you said, “My partner and I really need date night tonight so I’m missing your big event” and your partner was your husband of five years. But you never date a guy for more than a few months, and you ditch your friends for these short-term boyfriends.
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Every day is a crisis
Every day is such a crisis with you. Getting new relationships off the ground and getting over breakups are time consuming and energy-draining, and you’re pretty much always either doing one or the other—starting a new relationship or going through a breakup. So conversations with you are always so urgent and dramatic.
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They are exhausted from caring
Your friends really get exhausted from hearing about it and caring. Sure, they care about you but there has to be some limit on how much you ask of them. They have lives to live, and if they had to answer the phone and rush to your place every time you were in a relationship crisis, well, they’d have to do that just about every day for you.
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Then you’re just over it
The other tough thing for your friends is they often feel betrayed and tricked. They will be there for you when you’re heartbroken. They will cancel plans they were really looking forward to, in order to come over and console you because you claim you are so devastated. And then you’re…dating someone new two weeks later. How devastated could you have possibly been?
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They even share resources with your boyfriends
Your friends are good friends so they share resources with your boyfriends. If you say your boyfriend needs help getting a job and would love to work in your friend’s industry, she’ll introduce him to people. She’ll ask around for him. And then…you’re done with that guy in a few months, and she feels like she wasted those favors on you.
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The whole town feels off limits
Your friends can’t take you to this bar because one ex’s roommate works there, you can’t go to that restaurant because you broke up with one ex there, you can’t take a girls’ trip to that cute nearby town because you vacationed with an ex there. You have had a lot of exes, and just about any destination that was meaningful in that relationship is now somewhere you don’t want to go.
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They know you need to be alone
All along, your friends know that what you really need is time to be alone. You may feel you’re too old to be single now but it’s never too late. In fact, if you’ve never been single, it’s imperative that you take some time to be alone so you can find who you are before tethering your life to somebody else’s.
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You, of course, won’t listen
When your friends tell you to take time to yourself, you won’t listen. In fact, you get defensive. You get angry. You accuse them of calling you a relationship addict. You say, “You guys get to be in relationships, why can’t I be? I want to be happy, too!” You’re just upset because you know they’re right, so they get punished for telling you the truth.
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But no matter how good this one is, he’s not it
No matter how excited you are about the next, new guy, and no matter how “sure” you are he’s the one, your friends are just playing a role—they’re acting—when they look happy for you. Secretly they know that nobody will be the one until you take some damn time to be alone. They know you can’t possibly find the right man until you find yourself.
