Source: Erik Snyder / Getty
Even though you’re by no means old in your 30s, something about that age can play weird tricks on your brain. It can feel like the very first time when the words, “I’m an adult” are authentic. When you turn 18, you get to legally say it, but you know you’re getting away with one. You start throwing the fact that you’re 18 in your parents’ faces (an the faces of any authority figures), so eager to remind them that there are certain decisions you get to make on your own now, but secretly knowing you are not ready to make those decisions.
When you leave for college, there is a new sense of being an adult, because you don’t live at home. Nobody knows what time you get home. Your parents don’t know your whereabouts throughout the day, at any given time. But even then, you kind of know you are only playing grownup. Your parents are still paying your bills. There are still people keeping an eye on you around campus. You may get your first internship, put on a pantsuit and blazer, and go into the office, but you’re just playing the role of professional—you have no clue what’s going on in that office. Not really. Maybe you have your first “adult” relationship around that age, but it still feels like playing house—going to each other’s apartments and cooking dinner feels funny.
I think when you enter your thirties, you’ve earned the feeling of being an adult. You’ve probably had a couple of failed adult relationships. You’ve learned just how very long it actually takes to get your career off the ground, and have shaken off any delusions about being on any Forbes list, any time soon. Life has beaten you down a bit, and you’re a grown*ss woman. But with that, you can have some weird thoughts. The distraction of youth—tumultuous and exciting as it is—is over. Here are existential thoughts you may have at 30.
via GIPHY
Remember when I thought of this at 10
You might think of you as a little girl—you’ll remember what you, at that age, thought that this age would look like. You watched romantic comedies (that maybe you weren’t supposed to watch due to the adult content) and thought that you’d have all that—the engagement and the high profile job and the fancy cocktails—at this age. Now…you’re that age. How does it hold up? To the vision that little girl had? It’s weird to think about.
via GIPHY
What part of my E! True Hollywood story is this?
Right now, you’re just in the thick of it. You’re hustling. You’re working your butt off, trying to make a name for yourself in your career. It’s hard to see beyond the trees right now. But you also, in a moment, zoom out. You blast yourself into the future. And you think, “Will this very day or month be a part of my E! True Hollywood Story one day? Or my memoir? Or the documentary about my career. It’s so mundane to me, today, but one day, it could be reenacted by actors in a movie!”
via GIPHY
I’ll look back on this at 100
You go even further into the future, projecting far, far ahead, to a day when you’re bedridden in a retirement home, thinking back on this day. Today, you feel tired or frustrated or confused. But then, when you’re 100, and you look back on this day, all you’ll remember is excitement, energy, and possibilities.
via GIPHY
Well, not everyone gets to 100
Then, when you’ve projected to age 100, you step back, you come back to today, and realize, “It’s kind of naïve of me to believe I’ll live to age 100. Not everyone gets to do that.” You start thinking about the fact that you’ve always assumed you’d grow old, but what if you don’t? What if the old version of you never exists? It’s strange because, at once you think, “Being old will suck” and at the same time you think, “But I hope I get to grow old!”
via GIPHY
I may be 1/3rd done
And since you have considered the fact that you may not live to 100, it strikes you that…you may be 1/3rd of the way done with this life thing. If not more! Here you were, thinking, “Ah. I finally have a handle on life. I know how I want to deal with my relationships. I have good friends. I know what my values are.” And you realize…you may only get to enjoy that calmness and conviction for…well not as long as you thought.
via GIPHY
What is a career anyways?
This is the time you may be struggling with your career the most. It has the most of your attention. In your twenties, you got to put in minimum effort—nobody expected you to know what was going on. You hope that, by your forties, you are very successful, and things are on autopilot. These are the tough years when you put in the work that can make your forties great. So, they’re stressful years—the types of years that can make you sit back and think, “What is a career anyways? In the scope of the universe, we’re all just worker bees, running around, headed to the same place—death!”
via GIPHY
Like, really: why do I even try?
That last thought has you thinking, “Why do I even try? I work so hard. I spend so much of my days doing things I don’t really want to be doing. It’s a prison. I should be…journaling. Or traveling. Or meditating. Or laughing with friends.” Of course, you work hard every day because you have a future in mind. But, you also want so much to be present now. So it’s hard to contend with the fact that, if you want your future to be bright, you need to do work you don’t love today. But that robs you of today’s joy.
via GIPHY
One day, I’ll bury this man
Perhaps you’re settling into some great years in your relationship. You’ve found your person—your partner for life. You know who you are and what you want and he knows what he wants and you two just work together. You get to relax and enjoy this time…but now that the distraction of dealing with sh*tty, tumultuous relationships is over, a new panic sets in. Now you can look far, far into the future and think, “Oh my god. This man that I’m cuddling and loving right now…one day I’ll bury this man.”
via GIPHY
Or he’ll bury me!
Or a worse thought sets in: one day he might barry you! If you go first, he’ll be left alone. Then what will he do? Will he remarry? One of your friends? That bastard. Or perhaps he’ll grieve you for the rest of his life. Well, you don’t want that either. All of this arises when you’re just trying to Netflix and drink wine with your cute partner. Yup, your brain does weird things at this age.
via GIPHY
If my life were a love story, which marriage would this be?
You also realize just how many women you know, who are twice or triple your age, who have had several husbands. You know that, at one point, they were your age, and they, too, thought they’d found the one. He just turned out to be one of a few. If someone were to make a movie about your love story, would this, be, like, that first, naïve relationship that doesn’t know the storm that’s coming? Oh no.
via GIPHY
Ah! Death! Nobody really warns you
You can get angry around this age that nobody warned you enough about death. I know I get frustrated about it. I really didn’t think about mortality before now. I wasted so much time. I took for granted that I’d have forever, and that simply isn’t true. It’s also just so terrifying to face mortality. We should really get to ease into it, but I feel like youth is so tumultuous and distracting that we get to blissfully forget about mortality for a while. But that’s dangerous.
via GIPHY
Should I disappear and travel the world
We’ll all have this thought around this age—when responsibilities like family and ever-demanding careers are crowding in around us. What if I just picked up, packed a suitcase, traveled the world, cleaning toilets and selling coconuts (what?) to make a living, with no permanent residence. This can happen when you start thinking about the fact that your regular destinations—work, home, the gym—may be the only places you ever go.
via GIPHY
All my concerns are futile
You’ll start to have this annoying, nagging voice in your head that antagonizes you. You’ll be driving in traffic, pissed off at the person who just cut you off, fixating on the fight you know you need to have with your coworker tomorrow, and wondering if that person you emailed about that job will ever get back to you and then…the voice will come in. “Lie is fleeting and these thoughts are stupid,” it will say. Okay…but where does that leave you? You still need to, like, get through the day.
via GIPHY
I only age from here
You realize that your body is just going downhill from here. Until now, your face was still transitioning from a baby face to a woman’s face. Your body was transitioning from a girl’s to a woman’s. You were moving upward. Now…that’s done. Wrinkles will set in. Gravity will take your boobs. Biology is unstoppable, and it has plans for your body now. You’ll have to find a new confidence that comes with saying, “Just because biology says I’m ‘over’ doesn’t mean I have to listen. I can still be fabulous.”
via GIPHY
These are my best years: do I know that?
You have this profound understanding that you’re probably in your best years right now. You’re old enough to know who you are, have good friends, and have money to spend, but still young enough to have your health and your energy. Are you appreciating these years enough? You want to. How do you do that? You can’t force it!
