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I don’t know if they mean to do it or not, but men I’ve worked with have often left me out of the conversation. When I’ve attended networking events and found myself in a group conversation, if a few people left, and it dwindled down to just a handful of men and myself, I’d find that the nature of the conversation shifted. While I was, just moments before, an active participant of the conversation, I suddenly felt like a bystander, just sitting around, creepily watching.
It would be so infuriating because I didn’t have to be there. At one point, I was asked to be a part of that dialogue, and then, because of a few interesting changes in body language and actual language, I was made to feel like I was some weird clinger. Again, I don’t know if men do it intentionally or if they have no clue they do it. Maybe there is just a way that men naturally communicate with each other—unbeknownst to themselves—that isn’t very welcoming for their female peers. But even if that is the case, isn’t it our job as professionals and as adults to become aware of the ways we communicate, and how others interpret that? Isn’t it our responsibility to be conscientious about how we make others feel?
I always make a point to make anyone standing around feel a part of my conversation. If I truly need to have a private and one-on-one conversation, well, first off, I won’t have that in a public and professional setting, where others are bound to walk up. Or, if I have no choice, I’ll say to the outside party, “I’m so sorry, I need to have a brief private conversation with this person. Would you give us a minute?” I wouldn’t just block the person out, as men do to me often. Here are ways men leave women out of the conversation.
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Physically blocking you out
When you stand in a group of men, the way they position themselves blocks you out of the conversation. This especially happen if they just have much larger statures than you, and are more broadly built. All they have to do is turn every so slightly, and you’re completely shut out of the group. And they don’t even notice, because you aren’t eye level with them.
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Just push your way in
Don’t be afraid to tap someone on the shoulder and say, “Excuse me—could you make room for me here?” They may not have realized they’d shut you out. Or they may have realized, and never thought you’d do something about it. When you assert and insert yourself like this, you show that you aren’t so insecure that you won’t just say, “I’d like to be in this circle, too.”
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Not looking at you
I can’t stand when men do this to me in a group setting, but it happens all of the time. When they’re addressing the group—meaning everyone standing there—they make a point to look in the eyes of each person except for me while telling their story. It’s a power move that says, “You’re not in this conversation.”
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Just interrupt, and often
Men do it all of the time—interrupt, that is. And while it may not be something you typically want to do, interrupting is a weapon that sometimes must be used on disrespectful individuals. It’s a way of making it so glaringly clear that you are still in this conversation, and forcing the person who was avoiding eye contact to look at you because now you’ve taken the stage. If he won’t look at you while he talks, then it may just be time that you talk.
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Choosing an isolating topic
It’s generally quite rude to talk about something that one party who is standing there doesn’t know a thing about. It’s true in social and professional settings, but I’ve found that men do this in professional settings a lot. They’ll just start talking about a person or event with which they know I’m not familiar, never pausing to give me a few informative details so I can participate in the conversation.
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Cut them off and ask
Honestly, you can just say, “I don’t know what you guys are talking about—can we talk about something else?” Which is hilariously ballsy and kind of something a dude would do. Or, you can go a more tactful route, interrupt and say, “Sorry I’m not familiar with this topic—could you fill me in a bit?” Go ahead and point out the mistake they’ve made and ask them to fix it.
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Speaking badly of other women
When you’re standing with a group of male colleagues, and they start speaking badly of another female colleague who isn’t present, it puts you in a tough position. By remaining there, you feel like you played a part in this sh*talking. By leaving, well, you give them just what they wanted—to scare a female away from the conversation.
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Call them out
Call these men out. Say, “Hey, could we not talk badly about someone who isn’t here? If you have a problem with her, you should address it with her.” Or if you don’t think these men are mature enough to respond well to that, you can just interrupt, change the subject, and hijack the conversation. Again, it may not be the nicest thing, but sometimes rude tactics must be used on rude individuals.
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Swapping misogynistic stories
If two male colleagues just start sharing graphic and offensive stories of their recent sexual escapades, it obviously makes you want to run for the hills. You don’t come to work to listen to that. You even feel assaulted, in some way, by having that story sprung on you, as you know these men take some twisted pleasure in making you listen to the story.
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It is harassment
It actually is a form of sexual harassment (something black women sadly suffer even more than other groups) when men tell graphic stories of a sexual nature in the workplace for anyone within earshot to hear. That’s not what the workplace is for. Some forms of sexual harassment aren’t so obvious as groping and name-calling. But you should still neutralize them when they come up. You can tell these guys that you feel very uncomfortable when they tell those stories in front of you, and that those stories aren’t for the workplace. If they try to say, “Well then just walk away when you hear these stories,” you can report them to HR. Don’t be afraid to lose favor with insensitive misogynists. You shouldn’t have to walk around the office covering your ears, for fear you might accidentally hear about your coworkers sex life.
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Speaking so fast you can’t cut in
Ideally, any mature adult and especially those in professional settings would know to leave natural openings for others to participate in the conversation. But, men may not always do that. Especially in group settings. They can just shoot comments back and forth at the speed of lightning, making it impossible to talk if you aren’t willing to interrupt.
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Kindergarten tactics may be useful
Look, they’re acting like kindergarteners so you can treat them as such. You can ask to set a rule in place stating that people must raise their hand before making a comment in a conference. You can blow a whistle if things are getting too fast-paced. You can have a “talking stick,” and only the person holding it gets to speak.
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Speaking so loudly you can’t be heard
Volume is another friend to the overbearing, domineering male colleague. If he’s very loud, how will anyone hear you trying to interject? This can be very frustrating. You don’t want to have to raise your voice to be heard, since then, you’ll just be stooping to that person’s level. It also may not even work, as he can just continue to get louder.
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Step away and use technology
It may seem petty and a bit silly, but it works. You know what people pay attention to more than a loud person? Their cellphones. Just step away and send a group text or email to the group involved in the conversation, stating what you need to say. Or even stating that the other person is being so loud that you can’t speak. Nobody can resist the ding of their cellphone and so, suddenly, you—and not the loud individual—will have everyone’s attention
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You have to change your strategy
Though it’s unfortunate, you’ll just have to behave in a way you don’t really want to, in order to deal with men who push you out of the conversation. Sometimes, mirroring the man’s behavior shows him how gross it is. Sometimes calling him out does the trick, because he never thought you would, and now he knows he can’t rely on your shyness to keep acting how he’s acting. Dealing with men who behave like this will require stepping out of your comfort zone but, hey, you were already out there—you were pushed out of the conversation, and that’s uncomfortable.
