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People get their lives together at different rates. You and your friends may have been maturing and progressing at pretty much the same rate through childhood and college, but when you get out of college and into the real world, you may find a major discrepancy between how quickly you all do (or don’t) get your acts together. Some will sink and some will swim. Of course, the ones who sink will likely (hopefully) find their way to the top again. But suddenly, that equal playing field of college or childhood—when there were no real stakes and where you all felt just as successful as the other—is gone.
One person in the friend group may start her own business that takes off while the other just can’t hold down a job. One may need three roommates to get by while another purchases her own house within five years of graduating undergrad. Things can feel a little weird when the differences are major. You vowed you’d always be friends, no matter what, but money can change things. Sometimes, the issue is that the person who becomes successful leaves the others behind. But sometimes, the fault doesn’t fall on the successful one…
If your friends take longer than you to get on solid footing, their own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy can cause them to do some unfortunate things like take it out on you. There can be some resentment in the friend group. The friends who are still living paycheck to paycheck may, rather than ask you—the successful one—for advice, just make you feel left out or bad for being successful. It’s the one way they take back a little power when they feel powerless. But it isn’t fair to you, whose only crime was working hard and killing the game. So, do your friends make you feel bad for having your life together?
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You’re teased for having savings
The very fact that you have a savings account—or any money tucked away at all—draws in the comments like, “Oh well isn’t that nice to get paid enough that you don’t just have to eat ramen noodles and peanut butter to save money each month.” You’re just doing the responsible thing—what did they want you to do with your savings? Blow it?
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Don’t even get them started on investments
You’ve made the mistake of mentioning your investments in front of your friends—maybe you took a quick call with your financial advisor about making some changes to your portfolio, in front of your friends—and they roasted you for hours. They started asking if you’d also be marrying a hedge fund guy and joining a golf club anytime soon and if you’ll remember them when that all happens. All this over a Roth IRA.
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And judged for the activity you choose
You can’t seem to pick any activity that’s suitable for them. You don’t even pick really expensive things—a trip to the community theater or a museum exhibit—and your friends start attacking you on the group thread. “Why do we have to do something that costs money? Is that the only way you can have fun? Can’t we just drink beer at one of our places, and not make a whole thing of it?” they say. Gee, you think, sorry for just trying to find an enriching experience for everyone to enjoy.
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They assume their activities aren’t good enough
They also assume whatever they’re doing won’t be good enough for you. When they invite you to something, they start by apologizing for the place they’ve picked, and saying that it may be a little, um, low-class for your taste. You never said you didn’t love a dive bar or a taco truck. Why do they have to make this weird?
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You’re “so adult” for having health insurance
They howl like hyenas when you ask them what health insurance they have. They think it’s hilarious that you assume they have health insurance. “Not everybody has a fancy job with benefits!” they say. And then they riff about how they just try to get medical advice from the Internet or from their cousin who is pre-med at college. They say that good old prayer and chewable vitamins are their health insurance policies.
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And for using health insurance
When you mention actually making use of your policy—like when you talk about going in for your pap smear or flu shot, since these are covered by your policy—your friends start making you feel bad again. “Hey, can you bring a photo of my vagina into your doctor too and maybe he can assess me, too, like a two-for-one deal?” You’re just getting a checkup, and you’re being treated like you’re getting a diamond facial.
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Your stable relationship is a…bad thing?
Their dating lives may be a bit of a mess. They’re sleeping with exes and bosses and waking up in weird places and missing work to go yachting with a random man they just met. Okay. That’s fine. You don’t make them feel bad for those choices. But they make you feel bad for having a stable relationship. They tell you you’re becoming boring or old and say things like, “Oh good for you—no STD scares in years—how responsible.” Wait…what did you do wrong?
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So is your emotional stability
Your friends want to overreact to things like breakups and losing their jobs by doing things like slandering people on social media or breaking windshields. You advise them not to, and try to give them sound advice about this being a good learning experience and an opportunity to grow. Then they all say something like, “Oooh. Look at me. I have self-control and BS like that.”
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Your corporate job is bashed
They make fun of your job, saying things like, “How are the spreadsheets coming along? Nice and spread out? Don’t forget everyone’s meeting in the conference room to press pleats into their power suits at 1pm.” They love to roast what they believe goes on at your corporate job—something they’re unfamiliar with, because they work gigs like dog walking and catering. Which is fine. You don’t judge them. But boy do they judge you.
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But also, they want you to pay for things
Ironically, and of course, your friends are perfectly ready to ask you to pay for things, since you are the one with that corporate job. They have no problem suggesting you foot certain bills using the money you make at that corporate job. Suddenly, they don’t hate that job so much when they’re asking you to pay for more of the bottle service, since you make more. Or they want a loan (which you should be careful about giving out to friends).
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And to get them a job
Their teasing and roasting only lasts as long as their gigs do. But when they go a little too long without a dog walking gig or a gig with their band, they start asking you if you can get them a job at your place of work. The very place they were talking so much sh*t about—now they’re asking if there is anything they can do there, because they need to pay their rent. And they make you feel bad if you don’t bend over backwards to find them something. “I’m not good enough for your company?” they ask. And you’re thinking all you’ve ever done is hate on it.
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Traveling together is always a whole thing
Going on friends trips can be a bit of a disaster. You almost feel like they tighten their belts particularly tight, just to make a point to you. All you want to do is find a cute lunch spot, and they all get angry with you because their plan was to steal from the hotel’s buffet. And you’re apparently trying to live like royalty because you’d love if the eight of you could be split up into four rooms not, um, one. They make you feel very high maintenance for not wanting to sleep on the floor.
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You make wise spending choices because you’re “stiff”
You see your friends making poor spending choices (probably part of the reason they have no savings). While they get mad at you for suggesting things like going to the theater or brunch, sometimes, they just want to blow their money on rounds of shots or designer dresses. And when you don’t want to partake, you get roasted for being “Such a good little budgeter.”
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They’re mad you don’t drink on a work night
Rather than applauding you for being responsible and actually going home when you said you would and cutting yourself off when you said you would, your friends get mad at you for leaving girls’ night early on a Tuesday. They say you’ve changed. They say you don’t value the hang. You just…need a good night’s rest before work tomorrow. Why do you have to choose between caring for your friends or caring for your career?
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It might be time for new friends
You may have picked up on this but, if your friends really do treat you like this, it may be time for some new friends. Friends who actually love you and care about you would celebrate your success and encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing. The types of friends I’ve described are just trying to bring you down a peg, so they can feel better about not having gotten their lives together yet.
