Do You Focus On What You Don’t Have? - Page 10

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This year, at Thanksgiving, a very good family friend who is just now in remission from cancer gave a speech that is hard to forget. We all had gone around the table saying what we’re grateful for—friends, family, jobs, homes, pets, good food—and then I think we all felt quite humbled when it came time for this friend to speak up. We all knew that nothing we’d been through really compared to what he’d recently been through. I thought that perhaps his speech would be all about his health—about being grateful for modern medicine and things like that. But instead, he took a different turn with it.

I won’t go into all of the details, but one thing he said really stuck with me: “I’ve decided to make a strong effort to resist the common and mundane human habit of focusing on what we don’t have. Doing so only robs us of the joy that’s available to us, all around us, every day.” He is so right. It is this sad and petty thing we do: we wake up, ask ourselves what we don’t yet have, and then set into action a plan to get the things we don’t have.

I understand that that must be a part of life. But for many, it’s all of life, and it’s a damn shame. At one point, we did that same thing—the planning and plotting and working—for the things we do now have. And so quickly, we’ve stopped appreciating them. So quickly we’ve turned our attention anew to the things we don’t yet have. What was all of that work for, then? We’re only as happy as we are grateful for the things we have and that’s a fact. So, do you focus too much on what you don’t have?

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You end sentences with “But…”

When catching up with friends and telling them what’s been going on in your life, you structure sentences this way: this thing is going well, but this is a problem. You end on a low note. Typically, the note we end on is indicative of our overall mindset. People who look for the silver lining end their story on a high note. They may say, “The construction on our building is very loud, but at least it’ll improve the value.” But you say, “Yeah, the construction might boost the value, but it’s so loud it’s driving me insane.”

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You see friendship as a chance to vent

When you have a coffee date or a long walk planned with a friend, you look at it as a time to let that friend know about all of the trials and tribulations you’ve been dealing with. When you sit down to take stock of what updates you need to give your friend, you think of the issues that have come up since you last saw her.

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Someone with less is happier than you

If you really think about it, you realize there are people who have less than you but are happier than you. Maybe your housekeeper who shares a one-bedroom apartment with her two children and cleans your four-bedroom home smiles more than you do. Your assistant who lives in a crappy apartment with roommates and can’t afford to dine out seems cheerier than you—the person who writes her check.

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You don’t laugh often

How often do you laugh? If the answer isn’t like, all of the time, then there is a good chance that you don’t look at the bright side in life. Laughter is born from a positive mentality. It’s almost impossible to laugh often if you’re constantly ruminating on all of the things you don’t have. People who laugh easily and often tend to focus on what they do have.

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If you laugh, it’s through sarcasm

Perhaps you laugh often, but you only laugh when you make sarcastic, condescending jokes about your life or your situation. You laugh when you talk badly about yourself, when you talk sh*t about your job, or when you criticize your home that you think is falling apart. You’re heavy on the sarcasm.

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The statement, “I’m abundant” feels false

Say it. “I’m abundant.” How does it feel? Does it make you blush? Is it hard to get the words out? Does it get stuck in your throat? Do you roll your eyes as you say it? Do you feel like you’re lying? If any and all of that is a part of your reaction to that statement, then you probably don’t genuinely think you have much in life. And, since you probably do have a lot, the fact that you don’t feel that’s true just means you focus on what you don’t have.

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You’ve always felt behind

Throughout your life, you’ve had this sense that you’re falling behind on something, but you don’t know what. Or maybe it’s everything—your job, your relationships, your fitness, etc. Either way, you’ve always felt like you’re still waiting for life to begin—that you haven’t yet achieved the things that would allow you to begin life.

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You talk badly about your home

When you speak about your home, you roast it. You talk about what bad shape the grass is in. You walk around your kitchen, cursing at the cabinets that won’t close all the way. You stand in your shower staring at the tile, thinking how ugly it is. You fixate on your home’s flaws, rather than being grateful that you have a home.

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You talk badly about your body

You fixate on the flaws of your body, too. You want a thigh gap. You want perkier boobs. You have a flat stomach but you want a hard stomach. You have strong arms but you want slender arms. You always find the negative in your body. You don’t stop to be grateful that you aren’t laid up in a hospital bed or perhaps in a wheelchair for your whole life.

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You once wanted this body

You also once wanted this body. Perhaps you told yourself, “If I could just lose 12 pounds, I’d be happy.” Now, 12 pounds later, where’s the happiness? Now it’s a new thing: “If I could just have a more toned stomach, I’d be happy.” You jump immediately from the wanting the thing, to the not appreciating the thing once you have it. The appreciation step never happens.

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You wake up feeling anxious

You generally wake up feeling anxious, like there is something you need to do that you haven’t done, or that the day will somehow let you down. That’s just your mindset. You focus on the things you don’t have, so you always feel lacking. You fixate on the ways the day didn’t go as planned, so you always feel like a failure.

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Small things get you worked up

A food delivery person gets your order wrong. Your flight is 20 minutes delayed. The color of paint on your bathroom is half a shade off. When you generally believe that your life is bad and you already find things to complain about, then you just can’t handle the tiny mishaps. These put you over the edge. People who feel abundant are unbothered by these little mishaps.

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You feel envious often

Envy is an emotion you struggle with on a regular basis, even though it’s so useless. When you learn of someone else getting something good, your immediate feeling is jealousy and/or resentment. That’s bound to happen when you don’t focus on the good things you have, at all. You only see others as having more than you, all of the time—of course you do, since you don’t even have gratitude for what you have.

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You turn compliments upside down

Should somebody pay you a compliment, you find a way to turn it on its head. Someone will tell you that you look great, and you’ll say, “No I don’t—may hair is a disaster.” Somebody will tell you that your new car is nice and you’ll say, “It sounds weird when I drive it.” You won’t even allow other people to show appreciation for the things you have.