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I learned a long time ago not to meddle in other people’s business. If a friend, family, coworker, or loved one asks for my advice, I will give it. But I won’t give advice beyond what they asked. And, I’ll read the room a little: if it’s very clear they want to hear a certain thing, I may not give my true opinion. I only give my true, honest, and full opinion when someone clearly wants it and is ready for it. Remember that not everybody is ready for feedback. Not everybody is ready to make changes, admit their faults, or face the fact that their methods aren’t working. So don’t tell someone that’s the case unless they ask.
“Don’t you care about people?” you may ask. “Don’t you want to help them?” you may implore. Of course I do! But what use is that if they don’t want to help themselves and if trying to force my assistance onto them just pushes them so far away, that I can’t even reach them to provide any help at that point? That’s what can happen when you meddle. I know it can be hard to see loved ones make mistakes. But, I learned recently not to panic too much about that. Often, nothing turns out quite as bad as we think it will, even when things don’t go the way we think they should have.
Life also has a funny way of balancing itself out. We never have all of the pieces of information. We never know what the universe is sending our way. So just as you think you see a loved one making a grave mistake, don’t lose faith: there may be an unexpected change coming—a wrench to be thrown in everything—that will turn things on their head. And anyways, meddling just pushes people away.
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They feel their judgment is judged
When someone has made a big decision—who to date, what business to start, what home to buy—and then you come in and suggest they should have made a different decision, they can feel that you’re judging their judgment. Nobody likes to feel that you question their ability to make decisions for themselves.
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They feel they give you an inch…
It can also feel like a betrayal to somebody, if they let you in on what’s going on in their lives—particularly when it comes to big decisions—and you just come back at them with what feels like criticism. They were trying to share in perhaps a celebration with you or to confide in you, and you betrayed that by pouncing on the chance to be critical.
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They feel their intelligence is judged
People can also feel that you’re judging their intelligence when you meddle in their lives, especially when it comes to matters of career and money. Nobody likes it when an outsider tells them how to do their job. If you’re not someone’s boss, don’t tell them how to do their job. Especially if you don’t even work in their industry.
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It is their life
This is their life. And when you meddle by, say, setting up a work meeting that the person never asked for or arranging a date the person never asked for or promoting them in a way they didn’t ask for, you are suggesting that they don’t have a handle on their own life. You are suggesting they can’t take care of themselves. You don’t mean to suggest that, but it’s how it comes off.
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Not everyone is introspective
Honestly, not everyone likes to look inward. Sometimes, when you meddle, and try to find ways to change the way somebody is doing things, you force them to consider their flaws. You force them to ask themselves what is wrong with them and why they do things the way they do things. Not everybody likes to do that. Even though they should, not everyone does, and if you make someone who isn’t introspective look inward, you could just really piss them off.
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Or they may not be ready to reflect
In some cases, people just aren’t ready to reflect on the matter yet. Eventually, they will be. But it’s just too early. Take, for example, when someone is clearly in a bad relationship but still at a point of wanting it to work. If you say something then, they’ll lash out and push you away. You know they’re going to figure it out eventually for themselves so let them.
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You don’t know what wound you’re aggravating
You also don’t know how you may trigger someone when you meddle. Sometimes, it looks so obvious to you, on the outside, what someone should do. But it’s possible that the reason they aren’t doing that is because they has some personal wounds standing in their way. Sometimes when you meddle, you push someone to do something they weren’t emotionally ready for yet. They can actually blow their chance then, and resent you for it.
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They’ve withheld their opinions
You can also find that when you give someone your opinion that they didn’t ask for, that they’ll have some opinions to give you. If people don’t meddle in your life, it’s not because they think you’re doing everything perfectly: it’s because they’ve been respecting your space. But they’ll stop respecting it if you disrespect yours.
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They must choose between you and something else
When you make it clear that you don’t approve of the way someone is doing something, you have to remember that they won’t always say, “You’re right. I’ll make a change.” Sometimes, the only change they’ll make is spending less time with you. If you don’t like their…boyfriend or their…job, then they’ll just stop asking to spend time with you if they have their boyfriend around or if they need to talk about their job.
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They withhold information
When friends feel that you disapprove of and judge the way they do things, they’ll often just stop sharing information with you. It doesn’t matter if you think you know what’s best for them: if they don’t agree, and don’t want your input, they’ll just stop telling you things. Then you’ll feel further apart.
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They get enough of it elsewhere
Try to remember that your friends and loved ones get enough feedback elsewhere. When you want to suggest a different way they should go about their business, know that their clients and bosses probably already give them plenty of notes. When you suggest how they could be a better partner, know that their partner probably already gave them the same note.
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They just need support from you
Typically, what a friend or family wants from you is simple support. They want you to celebrate with them when they’re happy and commiserate with them when they’re upset. When they say they want a shoulder to cry on, that’s what they want: not an earful of unwanted opinions.
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It doesn’t really affect you
How much do the choices of your loved ones affect you really? Honestly, even if you don’t like your stepparent that much, if you don’t live at home, how often are you really going to see this person? How about your friend’s career: you want to give her feedback on her website and suggest changes. If she takes the note, will it improve your friendship? Nah. But giving the note could mess up the friendship.
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And if they didn’t ask…
If friends and loved ones don’t ask for your help, it’s because they didn’t want it. It’s hard to hear but the truth is they know you’re there to help. They aren’t not asking due to shyness. So when you just come in, guns blazing, blasting off advice and giving help when it isn’t asked, people don’t feel safe hanging out with you. They wonder if every hangout will just be a feedback session.
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People will do what they want
Also, remember that humans are stubborn. They have their visions. They will generally do what they want. So, if you consider your feedback precious, you can feel you just waste it when you give it, unsoliscited. People won’t take it. You’ll feel insulted. And you aren’t allowed to feel that way because they didn’t ask you to meddle.
