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We have no control over which family we’re born into. And when we think of a family—of happy kids, bounding around, and parents tending to them and loving them—our brains probably naturally assume that the whole family is contained within that unit. We certainly don’t automatically think that one of the parents has, say, several other sets of kids from previous marriages in other cities. That’s just not where our minds go. But it happens all of the time.
It happened to me. I mean, I guess it didn’t happen to me so much as it just is my life. My dad has three sets of kids. My sister and I were by no means his first rodeo when it came to parenting. And, to be clear, I mean my biological sister with whom I share both a mom and a dad because I must be clear about that because I have tons of half-siblings! I didn’t fully understand it when I was little. You grew up and you think, “I’m the main focus of both of my parents and they are experiencing the joys of parenting for the first time through me!” But nope. That simply wasn’t and isn’t true for me.
My dad came from a generation that got married before they could legally drink and popped out a few kids before turning 30. He’s no young man, my dad, and he comes from a time when, not long before he himself became an adult, young men were still being shipped off to fight World War II at a moment’s notice. That fear that everything could change in an instant—it still hung in the air when my dad was a young man. So people married young, and had kids quickly, just to make sure that, well, nothing stopped them from doing so I guess. So, naturally, my dad’s first wife wasn’t right for him, because he married so damn young. And he picked up a couple more along the way. Here’s what it’s like when your dad’s been married three times.
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He’s pretty lax
My dad has always been such a lax parent. Don’t get me wrong: he was a good parent. He is still a good parent. But it takes a lot to get him to overreact to anything these days. I remember when my mom caught me drinking when I was 14 and she lost it. She told my dad to go discipline me. He wandered over, found me, and said, “Julia, don’t drink…in front of your mother. And just don’t be stupid about it.” He’d had enough teens at that point to know that teens drink. Though many parents are coddlers or controllers, my dad was…neither.
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Which could upset my mother
My mom would get quite upset with my dad’s underreaction to things like, my drinking, breaking curfew, sneaking out to see boys, and things like that. But you have to understand that this was my mom’s first round at parenting, so everything was new and frightening to her. My dad had seen several batches of kids get into the type of trouble I got into, and they all grew up just fine.
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Whatever it is, he’s been there before
Truly, whatever came up, my dad had been there before. He’d have stories he’d either tell me about my half-siblings. Maybe they’d be stories to comfort me, like before taking my driver’s test, he told me about how my half-sister was so nervous before hers and this funny thing happened but it all worked out. And if I did something bad, he had a story for my mom of how he handled it when his other kids did that. It was all in one way comforting—he was so experienced—but also weird, like this was just routine stuff to him.
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My half-siblings could be my aunts and uncles
I have half-siblings who are old enough to be my aunts and uncles. I’m meant to have some sort of sibling bond with them but…that’s not quite how it feels. I was a flower girl in my half-brother’s wedding for goodness sake. When he bought his first home I was nervous about graduating elementary school. There’s almost nothing to compare that relationship to.
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And my nieces and nephews could be my cousins
Meanwhile, my nieces and nephews from my half-siblings are old enough to be my cousins. I was an aunt before I was born. My half-sister had a child half a year before my dad had me. So, another funny thing about is that my dad was dealing with both a pregnant daughter and a pregnant wife (my mom), all around the same time.
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The understanding you were no novelty
I’ve always—or at least since I was about 12 or 13 years old—had the understanding that I’m no novelty to my dad. I’ve always felt that my family was no novelty to my dad. I don’t want to say that it felt as if he didn’t cherish my family, because he did and he does, but I could just tell that he didn’t feel the way other dads felt about their family. There was a pride and a preciousness I saw in other dads, who had just one family. This was their one family. That was everything to them. That wasn’t there with my dad.
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And a fear of a disconnection
I can’t help but fear that the more wives and kids my dad had, the less connected he became to each child. I honestly think that even when one couple has lots of kids, it’s hard for those parents to have a close connection with each kid, even when the parents stay together. Now imagine how that connection gets distant when a man has lots of kids through different partners.
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Being in the “prize” family
I did often, growing up, have odd feelings around being the prize family. Even though my dad always did and still does have relationships with his other kids, I was the kid in the family that stuck. His other kids were from the failed families. I felt a strange guilt around being the child of the woman my dad hadn’t divorced…yet.
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Having more resources than the others
As often happens in life, my dad accumulated more wealth with each passing year. And with each new family. His first batch of kids lived in a tiny two-bedroom house in a not-so-great neighborhood and walked to public school. I grew up in a five-bedroom house on a large property and was driven to private school in a BMW by our full-time nanny.
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Feeling guilty about those resources
I’ve often wondered how the different level of resources we had access to—me versus my half-siblings—affected where our lives went. I do see that my half-brother works a job that he doesn’t like, and that doesn’t pay very well. I can have strong feelings of guilt that, by being in one of my dad’s later families, I got a better head start in life.
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Sharing the emotional baggage
Even though my half-siblings and I have had very different experiences, we do have this in common: a parent who has been divorced a couple of times. And the baggage that comes with that. We all understand the experience of having a father who is pulled in many directions, plus a couple tumultuous relationships with ex wives in the picture.
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Feeling like a bad family member
I just don’t think you ever get quite as close to your half-siblings as you do to your full ones. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten my half-siblings’ birthdays. They have kids, and I hardly even know when their birthdays are. These are family members I see maybe once a year, so they’re just not on the forefront of my mind the way my full sister is.
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Distrusting his relationship advice
I’ve never really trusted my dad’s relationship advice. I mean, the guy’s just been divorced too many times. I remember I had one very crazy but very wealthy boyfriend in my twenties, and even though we fought all of the time, my dad advised me to stay with him because he could provide for me. I’m still putting my palm to my face today as I think about it. But, that’s the way my dad has always viewed relationships (clearly): he doesn’t think man and wife need to be best friends.
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His chill attitude towards marriage
My dad still has a pretty casual attitude towards major commitments, too. I can see how he wound up divorced so many times. When I was only dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, my dad called me and said, “I found a property I think you two should buy.” What?! He thought I should buy real estate with a boyfriend I’d only known for 18 months?! But that’s how my dad did things.
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Never feeling fully watched
I’ve never felt I had my dad’s full attention, for better or for worse. There are probably times I could have used more guidance. But, it’s also been nice that he doesn’t really mettle. He doesn’t have the time. He has too many kids all over the place to mettle in the lives of all of them. He’ll be there for me when I say I need him to be, but if I don’t explicitly state it, he may not realize it.
