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Failure to launch isn’t just the name of the Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker movie. It’s a real issue that plenty of adults face. I don’t know if it’s gotten worse recently or if this is how things have always been and I just wasn’t around to witness it, but it sure seems like I know a lot of peers who are struggling to launch. There is some arrested development going on there, and they aren’t really breaking away from their family (to a healthy degree) and forming their own lives.
I could see it being particularly frightening to go off on one’s own today, in this political climate, and in this economy. Our parents got to count on things like pensions and great benefits like 401K matching and incredible health insurance. It seems that a lot of companies are cutting back on that, or being very stringent with it. And, people just want more than a life of sleeping, eating, and paying bills. We are the chase your dreams generation. Getting a great-paying corporate job with benefits seems frowned upon these days if it isn’t your dream job. Of course, only idealists who don’t really have a grasp on reality get to bash that lifestyle. Not everyone has the option to just pass up on jobs that pay the bills until that dream job comes along.
All of that aside, what I mean to say is that I can understand that if the expectation today is you better go out there and create the next startup that changes technology forever or be a famous YouTube star or start the next explosive line of food trucks, that one might be a little afraid to even get started. What I want every young person who is perhaps still living at home to know though is that, you don’t have to figure it out all at once. I think the fear that it has to go from zero to 100 is what keeps people from taking that first step. People understand there will be a learning curve, and years of struggle. If one doesn’t understand that, she can fail to launch. And here are signs that may be happening with you.
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You only have childhood friends
It’s good to have childhood friends. It’s great, even. There’s really nothing like a friend who has known you forever. That being said, something is up if you’ve struggled to make any friends as an adult. Childhood friends will stick around because you have that life-long bond. But adult friends will challenge you to overcome behavioral issues and to really grow up. Never making adult friends is a way of getting off the hook for growing up.
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You live at home but you don’t have to
You could financially move out, but the thought of being on your own terrifies you. You wouldn’t even know how to stock a refrigerator or work a washer and dryer. What about decorating? How do people do that? Living away from your parents and dealing with all of the parts of adulting that come up every day, without their guidance, frightens you.
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Your parents are your best friends
It’s nice to be close to your parents, but should they be your best friends? Really—I’m talking about the people that you go out drinking with, spend all of your vacations with, call multiple times a day just to catch up with, and would consider spending your bachelorette party with? Mmmm. Probably not.
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You keep going back to school
Finding new reasons to go back to school, over and over again, is often a sign of failure to launch. School gives you an excuse to put life on pause. You get stuck in the learning phase and never move onto the doing phase. Here’s something somebody needs to tell students today: most of what you’ll need to learn about your career you cannot learn in school. You have to learn it in the field. There are career lessons a book and a professor cannot teach you.
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You only work for your family
As for getting jobs, you only work within the family. You either work directly for your parents, or you work for some of their friends or distant relatives. You’ve never given it the old college try of submitting applications to someone who wasn’t already going to look favorably on you, due to nepotism. You haven’t put your resume to the test with someone who wasn’t obligated, due to family relations, to hire you.
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You feel sick when friends progress
When your friends truly do launch—when they buy homes, get married, announce that they’re expecting kids, start businesses, and things like that—you feel…a little sick. You don’t feel as happy for them as you’d like to. That may be because when they move on, it only reminds you that you are not moving on. Their progress highlights the fact that you’re stuck. You aren’t keeping up with them.
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You have friends in worse shape
You have a few close friends who are in worse shape than you, so to speak. They don’t work at all. Their parents pay all of their bills. They never date. They’re still playing the same video games and eating the same foods they did as a teen. You take comfort (and perhaps an ego boost) in the fact that at least you’re not like them. But perhaps your mindset should be I should be more like my friends who are moving forward.
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Your sleep cycle is ruining your life
You feel like getting on a regular sleep cycle is just impossible. You go to bed between 2 and 4 am and sleep until noon, or all day if your schedule allows it. It never crosses your mind that there is benefit in getting up earlier and getting things done. Your general plan is to just do the minimal that is required of you—clock in and out of work, eat, shower—and then sleep as much as you’re allowed to between those activities.
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You put family first too much
You haven’t been able to update that resume, attend that networking meetup group, take that night class to improve your skills, or work on your website because your family keeps needing you. They need you to help them pick out a Christmas tree or fix their printer or paint their den. Or is it that you use those tasks as an excuse to not go after your personal goals?
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Your parents have asked for alone time
You actually spend so much time with your parents that you’re beginning to cramp their style. They have requested that you give them some alone time. You got all dressed for your usual Friday night dinner together—the three of you—and they said, “Um, we were hoping it would be just the two of us tonight. You know. We need date night. Don’t you have friends you can see?”
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You’re hoarding your money
You’ve actually saved a lot of money but you’re terrified to do anything with it. Maybe you could put a down payment on a home and move out of your parent’s house. Or you could use that money as seed money for your business idea. Or you could buy a car, so you could start driving to more job interviews. Or you could just invest it in something. But you’re hoarding it—maybe even in a piggy bank—and you’re full of reasons why every investment idea is a bad idea.
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You need your parents to negotiate for you
You won’t do any negotiations on your own. If you’re going to get a car, you still ask your parents to come with you to help you negotiate the price. If you consider looking into an apartment, you ask your parents to come along and negotiate the rent. You even have them present at your meeting with your boss to negotiate a raise.
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You need your parents to fix things
If anything breaks—anything at all—from a button on your pants to your phone to your showerhead, you just go get your parents. You don’t look up videos on how to fix it yourself. You don’t even research professionals to come fix it for you, comparing prices so you get the best deal. You just go to tell your parents, and assume they’ll take it from there.
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Partners leave you because of it
You’ve had several romantic partners comment on this issue, and say things like, “Maybe it’s time to grow up” or “Perhaps you should strike out on your own” or “Don’t you want to be more independent?” These are their final words before they leave you. You’ve felt yourself disappointing them—you’ve felt that there was some sort of relationship they wanted (an adult one) that you were unable to provide them.
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Your parents iron and clean your clothes
Your parents still clean your clothes, put them away, prepare snacks for you, buy new clothes for you, buy a birthday present to your cousin “from you” and just have you sign the card. You don’t really have to think about doing any of the menial tasks that come up every day on your own. Maybe you just go to work, and come home and live as if you just got back from school—dinner is made and your pajamas are folded on your bed.
