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I love that women can be so compassionate, patient, understanding, and forgiving, but sometimes—like in relationships—I feel that it can bite us in the ass. Now, that’s not to say that I think we should all become cold, selfish, and uncompromising just to protect ourselves. That doesn’t make for a happy life, either. But I know there are plenty of men out there just looking to take advantage of the kind and generous spirit of a woman, rather than to nurture and celebrate it. They look for women who won’t just compromise in a relationship, but will even compromise who they are, to make their partners happy. I see it often—I see it happen to my good friends—and it makes me so mad.
I also often find that women are quick to excuse others, and slow to excuse themselves. We’ll quickly forgive someone who lets us down, who disappoints us, or who doesn’t do what he said he’d do, and then we’re so unforgiving towards ourselves. What’s that about? I am guilty of it. If a friend cancels on me at the last minute because she is feeling depressed, I absolutely forgive her and let it go. If I cancel on someone because I’m feeling down, I chastise myself for being weak and flaky for days after.
I bring all this up because, I feel that the ease with which we make allowances for other people’s shortcomings and flaws, and the quickness with which we’ll make an excuse for someone else, can put us in a position to attract bad boyfriends. My first few boyfriends all preyed on the fact that I made excuse after excuse for them. They didn’t even have to make excuses for themselves! People around me would point out their behaviors, and I’d be ready with an explanation. Looking back, I must have made my friends sad and furious. So, in case this helps anybody out there, stop making these excuses for your bad boyfriend.
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He’s not very social
So he’s not very talkative around your friends. They ask him a nice question like, “How was your weekend?” and he responds curtly, and even a bit sarcastically, as if it was a dumb question. You say, “He’s just not very social.” But there’s a difference between not being social and not being nice. And if your partner cares about you, he should make an effort with your friends—and that means enduring the cliché small talk for a bit.
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He has trauma
Perhaps your partner has displayed some alarming behavior. He’s thrown tantrums. He’s made threats against his own life. He disappears for days on end. He drinks a lot. You say, “He has trauma.” If that is true, I am very sorry for him. I am truly sorry that he lives with that darkness. And now that I’ve said that, I must also say: you can’t be his therapist. A relationship must consist of two individuals who are healed and whole before coming together. That’s the only way it will work.
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He’s just a little needy
He texts you constantly when you’re out with your friends and asks that you come back by a certain time. He wants to join on girls’ night (a big no-no). You say it’s cute—that he’s just a bit needy. But actually, he’s being disrespectful to your friends, and to you. You need time alone with friends. That’s important for your emotional health. He should put his needs aside for a few hours while you get that.
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He’s busy
That’s why he’s never at dinner parties or group date night with you. That’s why he’s not here to set up for your birthday party, while your friends’ husband helps instead. He’s very busy with work. Yeah, here’s the thing: everybody is. Including those who are there for you right now. The difference between them and your boyfriend isn’t that they had the time—it’s that they made the time.
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He’s going through a hard time
So he has mood swings. He says mean and cold things to you. He isn’t there for you. He isn’t listening to you. Everything is about him—about attending to his mood swings and keeping him in a good place. So, the thing about that, is that he’s a grown*ss man who has to know how to handle what he’s going through while still being a support system to you—rather than being a big baby.
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Maybe he’s right
He tells you that you shouldn’t hug your male friends. He tells you that you shouldn’t hang out with male friends without him. He tells you that you should dress more conservatively. You say, “Maybe he’s right…Maybe I do give my male friends the wrong idea.” Here’s what I’ll say to that: yeah, maybe you do, but that’s because their dudes and dudes always have the wrong idea. But it’s not on your partner to control your behaviors. If he trusts you, he shouldn’t be putting those limitations on you.
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He’s better in one-on-one situations
Maybe in group settings he just takes over, dominating the situation, acting like this is his one-man show that everyone came here to watch. He’s pushy and bossy and not very personable. You say he’s better in one-on-one situations. Well, he’s an adult, he lives in the real world, and his social interactions cannot possibly be limited to one-on-one situations all of the time. So he needs to clean up his act and learn how to socialize without blowing up a social dynamic.
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He’s nice to me, at least
He’s not very nice to your friends. Or your family. Or servers at restaurants. Or Lyft drivers. “He’s nice to me,” you say. Well, you’re not the only person coming around this man. If you still want other people in your life, then you need a partner who is nice to other people. (I also just don’t believe that a man who is mean to everyone else is somehow nice to his partner in private).
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He has a lot on his plate
So you haven’t voiced your needs. You’ve let him miss your office party, your big presentation, lunch with your parents while they were in town, and your friend’s birthday party. Because he’s under water. Maybe he’s got stressful stuff happening in his family or at his work. Okay well…do you abandon him when your life gets stressful? Probably not. You don’t just get to take a break from being a partner.
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I can speak up any time I want
Your partner is just clearly dropping the ball, and not meeting your needs. You assure your friends that you can speak up any time you want. Here’s the thing: you clearly can’t. Or else you would have. Your partner obviously doesn’t create an environment where you feel welcome to express your needs. Or else you would have by now because your situation clearly sucks.
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He’s just passionate
So that’s why he picks arguments with your friends over tiny things. That’s why he kicks up a fuss at a restaurant if one small thing is wrong. That’s why he storms out of arguments. “Passionate.” Sure. That’s also called being immature and throwing tantrums. That’s also called being incapable of putting oneself in the shoes of others and trying to understand where they’re coming from.
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He’s just sensitive
So that’s why you’re always in trouble, huh? That’s why you have to choose your words very carefully, have to keep a lot of secrets from him, and have to ask your friends not to mention certain things around him. I think that’s actually called just being with someone who doesn’t understand you and doesn’t know your intentions. Conversations with your partner shouldn’t be highly edited and filtered.
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He’s not cheap; he’s a feminist
Mmmmhm. He’s been sleeping at your place rent-free for months because he’s a feminist. And borrowing money he doesn’t give you back because he’s a feminist. And not looking for a job while you pay for him to go out with friends because he’s a feminist. Yes. He’s really supporting you as a woman by mooching off of you.
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He’s making me a better person
By pushing you to skip time with friends to take that business meeting he forced onto you with his contact. By criticizing your work. By telling you to take that social media post down. Is that called making you a better person of is that just called…trying to change you and mold you into his perfect little trophy partner?
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He has his reasons
Here’s the thing: if you are clearly unhappy, then there is no excuse for your partner’s behavior. Of course there is always a reason someone lets us down. But that reason doesn’t change the fact that they let us down. Your excuses for your partner won’t keep you warm at night. Those excuses won’t lend you a listening ear when he ignores you. It’s good to be understanding of others, but don’t forget to ask yourself: am I happy?
