relationship problems advice

Source: jeffbergen / Getty

When people say that you have to work at a relationship, they mean it. If you’re quite young or you’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than two or three years, you may think, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll work at it. I’ll make time for date night and make sure my partner feels loved and all of that.” But, first of all, the work involves so much more than just that. And even that stuff—the keeping up date night and the little romantic gestures part—is far from just that. That seems easy at first, when everything is exciting and your partner is your whole world and you can’t imagine ever not wanting to see him every night and doing nice things for him every day. But even the most loving couples with the best intentions eventually find that keeping up the love is not easy. Life doesn’t allow it to be. You can’t be obsessed with each other 24/7 forever. You have jobs and friends and family and lives outside of each other to attend to. Having lives outside of each other is actually both a critical part of being happy in your relationship, and will often be the exact thing that’s making it hard to be fully in your relationship. Not fair, right? Nope. But it’s an impossible and ever-evolving balance that every couple has to maintain: be great in every area of your life while still being a present and appreciate partner to your partner. It’s completely understandable that sometimes, we get a little lax in one area or another—we fall to one side of this tight rope we’re walking—and fall into a slump. We hit a rough patch. To go through rough patches is part of spending a lifetime with somebody. Absolutely every couple goes through these once, but only the strong survive.

via GIPHY

A sexual slow down

That first sexual slow down—when you go from not being able to keep your hands off each other to…falling asleep before him because he’s taking too damn long to come to bed and so you just don’t have sex that night. And then, that happens a couple nights in a row. You two once had endless energy for sex, doing it several times a day, and now you have it mostly on the weekend. Oh my gaaaawwd that’s what old married couples do, you think.

via GIPHY

You remember that you like each other

Letting go of that 24/7 sex fest you were having before can be tough. It’s also not tough because funny enough, neither of you feels like doing it all of the time anymore. But you feel bad about not wanting to and wonder what it means. Then, in the midst of all of that, something great happens: you laugh your a*&es off at something together. One of you goes through something tough, and the other is there for him. You remember that more than sex got you into this relationship in the first place: you’re friends. You support each other. That is a stronger type of intimacy than sex that will certainly hold you over until the weekend…when you have sex again.

via GIPHY

Moving in and growing apart

Moving in is something a couple does to become closer together. You want to spend more time together, build a life together, combine your lives—things like that—and so moving in together seems like the next natural step. But many couples find this odd thing happen after they move in together: they spend less time together. Because they know they’ll find each other at home so often, they forget to schedule real time when they focus on each other. They co-exist but don’t fully engage.

via GIPHY

You have to work it out

Look, if you’re going to spend your life with someone, you have to move in together eventually. You can’t just eternally live separately, and only get together when you’ve both handled all of your tasks and obligations for the day and finally have time to give one another 100 percent of your attention. So, though it can feel weird at first, when you live together, you finally start to make a point to schedule time together. You say, “I have a couple more things to do on my laptop, but shall we both close our computers at 8pm, have a glass of wine, and focus on each other?” You don’t like how formal and technical it all feels at first, but you get used to it. In fact, you start to like it.

via GIPHY

An in-law dispute

Having something go wrong with your in-laws is so uncomfortable. Even though they’ve always told you that you’re part of the family and that you can treat them like family, that suddenly feels not-so-true when you get into a dispute with one of them. You don’t feel you can talk to them as openly as you could with your own family. It isn’t a given they will always love you no matter what. You still want them to like you, but you also…are upset with them about something. Or they are upset with you.

via GIPHY

The thing is, they are your family

When you’re with someone long enough, you come to learn that the same things happen with your in-laws that happen with your real family. Sure, maybe one of them gets pissed off at you. You aren’t sure how you two will overcome it. And then, just like that, something happens to somebody else in the family. Somebody is sick. Somebody is heartbroken. Somebody has a newborn and needs lots of help. And everyone rallies together, to be the village that person needs. You’re part of that village. And working together, as a family unit, reminds your in-law (the one you were fighting with) and you, that you are all family—no matter what. That original issue fades away into the background.

via GIPHY

The end of the honeymoon

This can be a tough one, and the truth is that most couples don’t get through it. That’s okay. You’re not really supposed to get through it with someone until you find the one. I would say that the end of the honeymoon is a good filter—it shows us who we can really stick with. But it still sucks when it happens. You notice both of you just…putting in less effort. You don’t feel that your partner is ecstatic to be around you. He stops doing little surprises for you. He stops worshipping the ground you walk on. It feels like he’s…content with mediocrity. And you’re slacking off in the small gestures and surprises department, too.

via GIPHY

This is where the work comes in

This may be the first time a couple really experiences what it means to have to work at a relationship. You can both become…lazy. Or…too preoccupied with other things. And you stop thinking as much about doing things to boost the feeling of excitement and intimacy in the relationship. But, you do still want that feeling. This is when you learn that you will have to make notes to yourself, set alarms, and add calendar reminders to make sure you do that cute thing for your partner to bring the spark back. It takes a few goes—both of you doing it, back and forth—to really bring the spark back. But when you do, you remember how worth it it all is. And you get ready for a life of putting in that work. Or…perhaps if you realize it’s not worth it, then, well, you could just be with the wrong person.

via GIPHY

A job that consumes everything

I mean everything. Your partner’s mood around his job permeates the entire household. You almost dread the moment he gets home because the energy shits. He’s so irritated. Or distant. Or negative. You don’t even feel like you have your partner: he’s somebody else. That can happen when somebody’s job is just tough for a while. Maybe his company is going through a transition and everyone is working 15-hour days under a mean project manager. You feel you’ve lost your partner.

via GIPHY

It won’t go on forever, but it will happen again

Here’s what couples who stick together for the long haul know: a sh*tty job situation will not last forever. It just won’t. The universe has a way of fixing things. Somebody speaks up at work and demands better conditions. The terrible boss is found out by HR, let go, and a good boss comes in. Your partner leaves that job and finds a different one. Those awful conditions aren’t sustainable and won’t stick forever. And then, again, one day, it may all happen again. Several times. You just have to know it can come in a few waves throughout a lifetime.

via GIPHY

Depression

If a person goes her whole life without ever experiencing depression, that probably isn’t a person—that’s a robot. To be human means to process intense emotions, go through some awful things, and even to just contemplate existence, which is scary and can be depressing. It means going through major life changes that can leave a person depressed. Your partner, or you, will be depressed at one point during your life together. Being there for a partner with depression isn’t easy.

via GIPHY

Consider his track record

If you meet someone who is depressed, well, perhaps don’t get into a relationship with him right then. But if you’ve had many happy years with your partner before he goes through a depression, just think of the facts: this man’s general disposition is to be happy. He is typically in a good place. If the past is any indicator of the future, then this depression won’t last. But also, an important part of it not lasting forever is you sticking by his side and remembering all there is to live for when he comes out of this.

via GIPHY

The second (and real) sexual slump

That first one you had—you now realize that was nothing. Oh, you two only had sex once or twice a week boo-freaking-hoo. Once you’ve been together for seven, 10, 15 years, you can go months without doing it. It just happens like that. You blink your eyes, and you haven’t been intimate with your partner for a full fiscal quarter.

via GIPHY

The strong make it fun

Sex is an important part of maintaining the intimacy in a relationship. The strong couples will do what they always do when the going gets tough with anything—with money, with parenting, etc—they make a plan and they make it fun. They strategize. They look at their calendars. Okay, this weekend, you’re both free, you travel to that cute little hotel in Palm Springs, and you have a sex fest. You’re bringing the underwear he loves. You’re bringing champagne. You’re telling your assistants to hold your calls. You buckle down, you work at it, and you revive that sex life.

via GIPHY

Everyone moves away

There can be a day when you two wake up and realize that your core crew has moved away. You used to have great couple friends all around you—people you could call at a moment’s notice and invite over to barbecue. But they’ve moved away. It got too expensive living in the city. One couple wanted to be nearer to their in-laws in another state. One got a job in another country. It’s just…you two now. It’s a chilling and dark feeling.

via GIPHY

This is why you picked your person

You know what? This is when you learn just why you picked this person. This is when all of the hard work you’ve put in of getting through all of those other rough patches pays off. This person—this is your person. This is your best friend. Everyone else is nice—like dessert—but your partner is your main dish. You support each other. You find something fun to do together. You remind each other you can buy tickets and visit those friends who left any time. But you have each other’s backs, and will go everywhere together. That’s what counts.