How To Stay Sane With A Boss With A Temper

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having a mean boss

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At some point, we all wind up with a boss with a temper. In an ideal world, we could just receive instructions, receive feedback, take the notes, make the improvements, and even get a little positive feedback all without…emotions. But we are humans and so are our bosses. Depending on how seasoned your boss is, you may have one who has really mastered things like tact and diplomacy—one who understands that speaking down to you or rolling her eyes at you doesn’t create an encouraging workplace. I’m lucky enough to have such a boss now, but I’ve had some doozies in my day. The workplace brings many personalities together and, in some cases, the traits that put someone in a position of power are not the most desirable ones. Like being pushy, uncompromising, demanding, a perfectionist, and intimidating. People like that do run companies sometimes. They bullied their way to the top and they will bully their employees. But, the thing is, sometimes you may not be in a position, financially, to just walk away and find another job. Or maybe you actually really love your work—your daily tasks, and the values of the company—but it’s just the boss who is an issue. In other cases, this boss will only be your boss for a period of time. If all goes as planned and you get that promotion, you’ll answer to somebody else one day. But in the meantime—and as part of getting that promotion—you need to deal with your current boss. Even if she isn’t tactful or graceful towards you, you must be towards her. She holds the keys to your future and you must play nice—even if you’re the only one to do so. So here are tips for staying sane when your boss has a temper.

Do not react to the tone

Though it can be hard, do not react to her tone. And trust me—it will be hard sometimes. Sometimes, she will speak to you with such condescension or impatience in her voice, that you really want to fight back. But just extract the words—the mandate or the question—from the tone and respond neutrally to that. Don’t throw gas on the fire.

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Don’t cower

While you shouldn’t give attitude, you also don’t need to cower. Often, bosses with tempers are sort of bullies who actually want to make you cower—if they see they can, they’ll throw even more temper tantrums because they get some sort of joy in instilling fear in people. Show that you aren’t shaken by her temper tantrums, and she may move onto someone else to throw them at.

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Don’t apologize if you did nothing wrong

Try to refrain from saying, “I’m sorry” if you did nothing wrong. This isn’t your friend who you betrayed or your sibling whose toy you broke. This is a workplace, and there isn’t really need for apologies here. You can say, “That was my mistake and I will fix it” Or “Yes, that was an error—I’ll attend to it.” But you don’t have to say, “I’m sorry” because those with tempers might take that as you admitting you did something wrong on purpose, when you did not.

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Don’t make excuses

If your boss is displeased with the outcome of something, don’t explain why it happened. Don’t tell her what your misunderstanding was or why you interpreted it this way or that. She wants to poke holes in your explanation. Just tell her exactly how you’ll fix it now. She doesn’t really have the compassion or patience to listen to how this happened.

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Just find solutions

Don’t ask her how to fix things, either. Find solutions. Propose solutions. Even if you aren’t quite sure that your solutions will work, present them to her and she can tweak them as needed. A boss with a temper does not want to hear the question, “What should I do?” She wants you to do that thinking for yourself.

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Do more than is asked of you

This should be true of any job, but it’s especially important when you have a boss with a temper. Bosses with tempers arrive to work looking for things to be upset about. They expect their employees to have done a subpar job. If you went above and beyond, that nice surprise can distract them from their usual task of scrutinizing.

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Get all instructions in writing

When your boss gives you a new mandate, ask her to write it down. Ask her to be as specific as possible. Even if this aggravates her a little bit, you can assure her, “I just want to make sure you are 100 percent satisfied and there is no way for me to possibly misunderstand these instructions.” And then get her to put it in writing.

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Show that writing when you must

The reason you had her put her instructions in writing is that, bosses with tempers can often contradict themselves, decide they want things don’t completely differently than previously discussed, not tell you, and then just get mad you didn’t read their mind. When this happens, you can have her to refer back to the instructions she created, that you followed.

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But, do so gently

Of course, it’s important to do that last step gently and with tact. Don’t just passive aggressively send a text, with an image of the instructions, and the exact part you were obeying circled in red. You can say, “Perhaps there was a misunderstanding here or I misinterpreted these instructions.” Then you can show the instructions that you clearly didn’t misinterpret—she just changed them without telling you.

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Stay away when she’s really on one

When she’s really flying off the handle, and you hear her yelling at everyone she speaks on the phone with that day and being very abrasive with colleagues, stay away. Stick to your work. If you have any questions for her, ask yourself if they can wait. Don’t put yourself in the line of fire if you don’t have to.

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Lean into it when she’s in a good mood

On the rare occasion she is in a good mood and, for whatever reason, wants to just shoot a breeze with you, joke around, buy everyone coffee, or take everyone out for happy hour, just go with it. It’s important for her to store those good interactions with you in her subconscious—it can keep her from throwing tantrums next time you mess up.

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Don’t bring her an issue unless you must

Do not bring her an issue unless you’ve turned over every other stone and tried every other avenue and attempted to fix it on your own. Bosses with tempers don’t respond to issues well. And, furthermore, they will ask you if you tried to solve this on your own first. So you must show that you did—in every way you could.

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Always project confidence

Even if you’re handling a crisis and you’re not sure how it will turn out, when your boss asks how it’s going, you say great. You smile. You give her a thumbs up. You tell everyone on your team to do the same. Bosses with tempers will lose their sh*t if they sense any insecurity or concerns. If they sense small concern on your part, they dive in and interrogate.

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Find a coworker to commiserate with

It always helps to find someone who is going through this, too. Get drinks after work. Commiserate. Vent to each other about the boss. You can even have code terms that mean things like, “The boss is really on one today—stay away.” Just knowing you have a buddy on your side at work who understands what you’re going through can provide some relief.

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Have an amazing group of friends

Have an incredible group of friends and spend a lot of time with them. Really nourish those friendships. Don’t let yourself get so depressed and down after a hard day of work that you hide away. You need to be around generous spirits and positive people right now. You need to remember that life is not all about this job.

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