Why It’s Never Too Late To Be Single

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“What am I going to do? Go date again?” I remember my friend’s mom, when we were in high school, lying on her bed in the middle of the day, in the middle of her divorce, and asking that question. She was really imploring us—a couple of teenagers—what she should do. I remember her saying this as if the idea of dating again was ludicrous. I didn’t know why it seemed so odd to her. I was coming from a place of recently watching many of the greatest films of divorcees like “Under The Tuscan Sun” and “The First Wives Club.” To me, getting a divorce seemed like a second chance to find oneself—or perhaps a first chance to find oneself, since many of these movies were about women who married so young they didn’t even know who they were before becoming a Mrs. Now that I’m older, I get it: there comes a time when you’ve just been out of the dating game for so long, and you’ve been so comfortable in your routines, not having to explain yourself to someone new and not having to take in information about new people, that the idea of dating sounds…foreign. Other worldly. Offensive, perhaps? Maybe it wasn’t even the idea of going on dates with new men that frightened my friend’s mom so much as it was the idea of being single—of being completely unattached, with nobody to go home to, and nobody to call your significant other. But you know what? Not only do I think it’s never too late to be totally single, it’s actually imperative that at some point, you are. In fact, some may find that their relationship problems never stop until they take a big chunk of time to just not be in a relationship.

If you think you can’t, then you must

First off, if you think you cannot be single, then it is most imperative for you that you do spend some time single. If you’re already thinking about singlehood as something you could not survive and simply cannot do, then your life already isn’t your own. You’ve built a life with the main purpose of just not being alone. That is an alarming concept because it means you have limited yourself in so many ways. Every choice you’ve made, from career to social ones, has revolved around not being alone. So, your decisions weren’t really made from a clear point of view.

You’re still alive, aren’t you?

If you’re still alive, then it isn’t too late to be single. For goodness sake, think of all the fabulous women who are past middle who never married. Shonda Rhimes (creator of “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Scandal”), Chelsea Handler, “Good Morning America”’s Robin Roberts, and many more. These aren’t women in their twenties enjoying the single life: these are grown*ss women who enjoy it. If you’re still alive, it isn’t too late.

In fact, the older you are, the more you got this

While it seems like singlehood should be for twenty-something’s, it may actually be best enjoyed by older women. With age comes wisdom and taste. You’re not some little twenty-something who doesn’t know what she wants or who she is, and who turns every corner, fearing her next date will walk all over her in some way. Yes, being single and dating can suck but if you’re over the age of thirty, you may actually feel more confident than twenty-something’s being single.

You’re a strong whole; not just someone’s half

You owe it to yourself to know that you are a whole individual, all on your own. Even if you’ve always been somebody’s “other half” or “better half,” you aren’t half of anything. It’s so important—no matter the age when you finally get around to it—to give yourself the chance to see how full life can feel without a “significant other.” It’s so critical to see how significant you feel, all on your own.

Every relationship will be wrong until you try it

Sadly, if you never take the time to be single—I mean if you’ve had a boyfriend since high school, always jumping from one long-term thing to the next—you’ll continue to find yourself in relationships that don’t work out. You probably think it’s just about finding the right guy. Nope. It’s about finding yourself. And you haven’t given yourself the chance to do that, because there’s always been some man taking your attention and time. Every relationship you begin, before ever being single, has no chance of survival.

Because now, you’re operating out of fear

The reason your relationships won’t work until you take the time to be single is that you’re operating out of fear. You don’t know it, but you are. Your top priority, over anything else—over your own wellbeing and over any particular trait in a partner—is to not be alone. You think you’re choosing these men with a clear head, but you aren’t. You’re wearing the, “Please just don’t let me be alone” goggles. And those don’t let you see clearly.

Or, you’re operating out of identity concerns

You may be operating out of identity concerns. You don’t want people to worry about you—to talk about you like that old spinster or that poor thing. You don’t want people thinking something is wrong with you because you’re single. If you think like this, then, once again, you aren’t choosing partners with a clear head. You aren’t even choosing them based on how you’ll experience the relationship: it’s all about outsider opinion.

The true waste of time is in serial monogamy

You may feel that being alone is a waste of time. The actual waste of time is jumping from one long-term, serious relationship to the next. Each of those relationships has been a waste of time. You may think, “But I learned so much about relationships from each one!” No you didn’t. If you enter relationships from a stance of codependency and fear of being alone, those aren’t—I’m sorry to say it—even real relationships. Those are…like panic rooms. You’re just in there to avoid the scary stuff outside. But you don’t learn anything about a healthy relationship in which both people feel confident, stable, free, and whole.

You are repeating patterns

Never taking the time to be single will put you down the path of repeating the same mistakes, over and over again in your relationships. See you think that it’s the other person that’s the problem but it’s…you. “Problem” may be a harsh word, but you haven’t taken the time to learn about yourself, discover your weaknesses, work on those, heal from your pain, and really understand your behaviors. So you keep doing the same destructive ones, over and over again, hoping for a different outcome. You need distance from relationships to learn about what you should be doing differently. You don’t just need a new partner.

And becoming more afraid of singlehood

The funny thing is that, as you get older, you could probably enjoy singlehood even more because you’re more comfortable in your skin. But you also grow more afraid of it. You feel like a person who has never left the country, terrified of foreign territory. The longer you wait to venture out of your comfort zone (aka serial monogamy) the more frightened you are of what’s out there.

Now you have the funds to enjoy it

Another perk of finally allowing yourself to be single if you’re, say, 40 and up, is that you probably finally have the funds to enjoy it. When you’re single in your twenties, all you can really do is order pizza and drink cheap beer. Now, you can travel alone. You can have spa days. You can take a writing class. You can actually fund this whole finding-yourself experience.

And the good friends

You have the good friends to get you through it, too. Your friendships in your twenties were rocky. You were finding your circle. But at that time, you had friends who betrayed you and used you and left you. Now you have your crew. And with them, being single won’t feel so scary. Also, it’s nice to finally have the time to nourish those friendships more, now that you don’t have a man waiting at home, asking when you’ll be back.

There will always be other singles

I promise. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but there are millions of people who go through all sorts of life cycles. Divorced men. Widowers. Eternal bachelors who are just now feeling ready to settle down later in life. Don’t give into fears of, “Well if I let myself be single, when I want to be in a relationship again, nobody will be left.”

You’re so much more than a partner

You are so much more than a wife or a girlfriend or a partner. Those are wonderful things to be but they’re just a part of who you are. It’s a shame to go through life just identifying (or mainly identifying) as a role that really pertains to somebody else aka “Somebody’s wife” or “Somebody’s girlfriend.” You owe it to yourself to just be you—unattached—and see all you have to offer the world outside of a relationship.

You’re attracting big babies this way

If you never take the time to be single, the big babies will find you—the guys who are super codependent and demand all of your time and don’t even want you to have a social life because they want to be with you constantly. Those men seek out women who have never been single. If you finally take the time to be single, you’ll attract men who like that you’re independent. They, too, will be independent.

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