Is Negative Self-Talk Ruining Your Life?

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Everyone struggles with some degree of negative self-talk. Well, correction: we probably all know someone who appears to never struggle with self-talk. That is called an egomaniac or a narcissist. Negative self-talk is, in a way, one element of a healthy mindset. We have to have some checks and balances in our mind. We have to remain humble, honest, and realistic. But, like I said, it is only part of a healthy mindset. Modesty and rationale should temper things like delusions and unrealistic high hopes. But, when those two come together, you should land at a healthy medium, in which you believe you can do good things, you have confidence in your abilities, but you are also prepared for setbacks, and aware that things will not always go your way. Unfortunately, some individuals only manifest the negative self-talk. The positive self-talk is not there to balance things out. Some individuals only think of the reasons they won’t succeed, and they can’t imagine the positive side of things. They have no thoughts to lift them out of that place. That is no way to live. In fact, you won’t fully live if you only engage in negative self-talk. I understand that nobody wants to be an egomaniac. Sometimes, the fear of that can leave someone stuck in the negative self-talk place. But then they don’t take risks. They don’t pursue goals. They don’t treat themselves as someone who is worthy of great things. Negative self talk when used as a form of monitoring expectations is fine. But it should be combined with positive self-talk. Do you only have negative self-talk? And is it ruining your life?

A fight is a breakup

When you get into an argument with a significant other, you start to think things like, “I am destined to be alone forever. I am broken. I am in capable of carrying on a healthy relationship. I don’t have the tools to fix this. I may as well end things because the end is inevitable.” You believe relationship fights happen to you because you aren’t good at relationships.

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So you don’t engage, and that causes the break up

In the end, the reason the relationship ends is not because you did not have the tools to fix things. It is not because you are incapable of having a healthy relationship. It is not even because your partner was really that upset about the original argument. It ends because you disengage from the argument, believing you cannot fix things. And if there is anything that kills a relationship, it is lack of communication, and simply giving up.

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You feel selfish for wanting great things

You actually feel embarrassed when you catch yourself imagining yourself having great things. Maybe you read a book or an article about a celebrity, and her wonderful luxurious home, and her adventurous life. For a moment your brain implants you in that life. Then you feel ashamed. You bat the thought away. You banish it, as if it’s sinful. You feel embarrassed simply over a thought that nobody even knows about.

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If you can’t see it, it won’t happen

It may seem like such a small thing to not want to envision yourself having a phenomenal life and luxurious things. But the truth is, your inability to imagine greatness is standing in your way of having greatness. You tell yourself that it is wrong to want great things, and then you subconsciously behave in a way that gets in the way of you having great things. Even if your work isn’t about the monetary reward, you may do a mediocre job because you don’t want the monetary reward that could come with a great job. Or at least, you don’t want to want that.

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You think you’re strange and people know

Maybe you have always struggled to make friends, or go on dates, because you think there is something fundamentally broken about you and people can sense it. You think there are the people who are healthy and normal, and those who are not. And you believe you fall into the second category. You think that healthy, normal people sniff out the abnormal ones right away.

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You are projecting that broken mentality

Humans are not as simple as normal and abnormal. Every person who has ever rejected you, who you believe was normal, is weird. They have had strange and painful things happen to them. The only difference between them and you is they understand that everyone is a bit weird. With that understanding comes confidence. But because you think you are the only one who is strange, you carry that energy. You behave insecure about being weird and that is what drives people away. But it is not the fact that, perhaps, you are flawed. Everyone is flawed.

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You think someone is more skilled than you

You consider applying for an opportunity, but you instantly consider all of those who are more skilled than you are. You think, “Well, I have five years experience, but there will be those with 10 years of experience who apply. I will look so silly for throwing my name in the hat. Who am I to think that I shouldn’t even attempt to compete with those far more qualified than me?”

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That will always be true

Think about it this way: if you wait to apply for an opportunity until there is literally nobody in the world more qualified than you, then you will never go after anything. Also think about it this way: there are delusional and cocky individuals with less experience than you applying for these opportunities. They may get it, simply because you did not apply. You honestly owe the powers at be here the favor of applying, so they can be certain at least someone as skilled as you is a contender. Batting away negative self-talk is one way to stay on top of your goals.

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My family relationship is doomed

Family relationships can be dark, twisted, and feel sticky. Like they leave an uncomfortable sensation on your skin. There is so much unsaid in family relationships. There are also so many terrible things that have been said. There are dynamics that are deeply flawed and seem irreparable. You may think that as long as you live, your family relationship will be a dark force in your life, and that is it.

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Those relationships are long and fluid

Try not to think too far ahead in your family relationship. Just as you grow and learn and improve every year, so too do your family members. The way things are does not have to be the way they always will be. And they may improve, without any work on your part. Someone may have a life experience that changes her perspective. Someone may marry somebody who softens her. Someone may have a child, and it just makes him a better person. You have no idea what life has in store for each member of your family. The current dynamic is not permanent.

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I won’t be financially fruitful

You tell yourself that wealth is for other people. You look at your old car, and your small apartment, and think, “This is how it will always be.” You look at someone with a fancy car, and a luxury home, and you think, “That is how it has always been for them.” This mindset does not inspire you to make better financial choices. So you get stuck in your spending rut. You don’t cut back on bar nights to save money. You don’t pick up extra shifts at work to save money. You think nothing will ever change so why should you change the way you do things?

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The mindset of the wealthy is wealthy

That person you were looking at with a nice home and nice car may very well have lived a life similar to yours once. The only thing different between you and that person is that person believed they could have what they have now. Because they believed it, they felt it was worth it to make changes and whether that meant making all meals at home to save dollars that they then invested and grew to put in a home or whether it meant asking for a raise every couple of years, they made changes, because they believed those changes would reap incredible rewards.

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I will never have a great relationship

Maybe you have a relationship that is technically stable. You don’t fight often. It looks fine to outsiders. But you know that it is only stable because you don’t speak your needs. You know that it is stable because you do not mention the fact that you are unhappy. You are settling. But you believe that those passionate, deeply loving relationships between best friends are for other people. You believe that for some reason you are destined for a complacent relationship.

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You attract the complacent

You might fear that the only thing that will happen if you speak up in your relationship is that you will either fight constantly, or your partner will leave. But there is a larger truth at play. Maybe your partner will leave you if you speak up. And that was the wrong partner for you. And if you are then bold enough to continue to speak up about your needs, you will attract someone who is willing to meet those needs. But you only get this if you are vocal about your needs in a relationship.

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Our thoughts become real

It’s just a thought, you tell yourself. What does a thought do? It remains in my head. But it doesn’t remain in your head. The subconscious is so strong. Some might say the subconscious dictates our behavior more than the conscious mind. One last thing about negative self-talk is that it is negative to believe that your thoughts can’t change your life. They can have a lot of power. So you should know that, because the power could be used for bad or for good. And we can train ourselves to think positively. When a negative thought enters your mind, you can tell yourself that is not true. That is not me. Try it. See what happens.

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