Signs You Aren’t The Leading Lady In Your Own Life

taking back control of your life

Source: South_agency / Getty

It’s easy to wake up one day and realize that you aren’t the leading lady in your own life. Maybe growing up, you had siblings or even parents who regularly stole the spotlight. They were big personalities with big problems and constant drama. It was as if they had their own force field that pulled everyone in, and suddenly your life revolved around them and not yourself. Maybe you grew up and found friends and even romantic partners who did the same thing. They sensed that they could rely on you to be supplementary to their vision, but not to have your own vision. They knew you could be their crutch as they pursued their goals, because you wouldn’t be preoccupied pursuing your own. And in a way, you do take some joy in being such a support system to people. It is important to you to be helpful, to be attentive, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be a cheerleader, and to generally be a source of comfort for the people you love. But you can’t just be that to them. In fact, your relationships shouldn’t be all about what you are to other people. That’s guest star mentality—not leading lady mentality. That’s called literally taking on a supporting role in your own life. But what about you? When all is said and done, you don’t get to have your friends and family’s victories, even if you helped them achieve them. You go home, alone, to your life. Is it one you’re proud of? Or have you been too busy helping others build lives they’re proud of. Are you not the leading lady in your own life?

You’re always the unwilling wing woman

You’re regularly dragged on double dates in which the guy you’re meant to talk to is a dud. He may even be creepy or rude or clearly closeted gay. Your friends regularly convince you that they’re doing you a favor by bringing you on this “setup,” and in the end, it’s clear they just wanted you there as a chaperone, and put no thought into whether or not you’d actually like the other guy.

You house sit rather than travel

You spend your vacation days house sitting for other people while they travel. You spend your weekends walking friends’ pets rather than going on the hike you wanted to go on. You sacrifice your time off to helping others make the most of theirs. You would even feel guilty asking someone to housesit for you while you traveled.

You give dating advice but don’t date

You’re everybody’s therapist. You take many calls a day from friends who want to vent about how their date went or tell you about the fight they’re in with their boyfriend. They thank you, profusely, saying they don’t know what they’d do without you. But they’re mysteriously MIA once their relationships are back in working order. You, meanwhile, give them so much of your time when they need a listening ear that you’re falling behind on your own goals.

You help coworkers get the promotion you want

On multiple occasions, you have had an active role in helping a coworker get the promotion that you wanted. Before you could proclaim that you wanted it, your coworker did. Then you felt rude saying you wanted it too, and felt that you could at least still participate in the win if you helped the winner get it.

You help a friend get the man you want

On multiple occasions you’ve also helped a friend get the guy you wanted. You were at a bar, you two started chatting with two guys, then your friend pulled you aside and said, “I want the one that you were interested in.” She didn’t really have proper claim over him. What should have happened is that nobody should have claimed anyone, and you should have seen who naturally hit it off. But then you felt you couldn’t go after the guy.

You spend all free time lifting up others

You spend much of your free time running around town and helping others with their big event. You go to one friend’s house to help her pick out an outfit for her date. You go to another’s home to help her decorate for her boyfriend’s surprise birthday party. You help one friend move. You drop another at the airport for her big adventure.

You don’t publish your success

When you achieve something, you don’t publish it. Doing so would feel uncomfortable. You even worry that letting it be known that you did one great thing would bring in the pressure to do more great things, and you’re not sure you’re capable of that. That could be a sign that you don’t believe in yourself.

In fact, you let a friend outshine you

You’ve often let friends outshine you at your event. Your friend wanted to throw you a birthday party, but she pushed to have her friend be the DJ, she was very insistent on her decorating ideas, and she generally treated it like an opportunity to show off what a great event producer she is. Much of the focus at your party was on what a great job your friend had done.

Nobody knows what’s going on with you

If you thought long and hard about it, you couldn’t think of someone who truly knows what’s going on with you. Many of your friends do not know what your career aspirations are, or where you’d like to travel, or whether or not you’re even actually happy. You let people talk about themselves so much that they know nothing about you.

Everyone assumes you’re always free

People assume you’re free at a moment’s notice to watch their dog or drive them to the airport or talk on the phone about their bad date. The way they introduce these conversations like, “Hey I was thinking I’ll just drop my dog off with you this weekend—I booked a trip to Palm Springs” makes it very obvious that the possibility you could be busy never crossed their minds.

You’re often in the helper role

For many friend’s weddings, you’ve been asked to help with much of the planning and then you weren’t even given the title of maid of honor. You’ve run around, picking up cakes and decorations for a friend’s birthday party, and then she didn’t even invite you to the smaller, intimate dinner she was having right before the big party. People view you as an assistant who wouldn’t want any sort of recognition.

You’re responsible for many matches

You look around at your friends who are happy and in love and can truly say that you made a lot of those matches happen. You put time and effort into putting the right people in touch. There are many content couples who exist because of you. You invested more into their relationships than you ever have into any of your own.

Nobody thinks of you for a setup

Meanwhile, nobody thinks of you for a setup. Your friends openly gush about having set up this one friend with this great guy and you’re sitting there thinking, “You didn’t think to introduce me to him? Why didn’t I cross your mind?!” This hasn’t just happened once or twice: friends regularly overlook you as someone to set up with another friend.

Your skills are a mystery

You’re actually quite good at several things that nobody knows about. You have many hidden talents. Why are they hidden? If you grew up with friends or siblings who always stole the spotlight, you may have gotten it into your head that the spotlight isn’t for you and that trying to grab it is greedy.

People are shocked when you speak up

When you do get fed up and speak up for yourself, people are surprised. They may even tell you to “be nice”—but these are the very same people who always speak up and aren’t exactly nice. They’re just so clearly comfortable expecting a certain behavior out of you, and they make you feel bad for just speaking up.

Related Tags

self confidence

More from MadameNoire