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My partner and I sleep in separate rooms. When I say that, you may imagine a married couple in their fifties or older. You might envision some stuffy house—one from old money—with separate wings, and the two of us in our old-fashioned dressing gowns and slippers, shuffling around the hardwood floors, asking where the Bengay and Aspirin are. But, nope—we are a spry couple in our early thirties who sleep in separate rooms. We’ve been together just shy of seven years, and sleeping in separate rooms for half a year now. When I tell people this, I see them trying to hide their true reaction, but I see bits of it slip out: they’re worried about us. Whatever the facial equivalent of the word “Yikes” would be—that’s what I see come across their faces. My close friends just say what they’re thinking, “That’s not good for intimacy,” “It’s the beginning of the end,” and things like that. Well to them I say this: you must have the luxury of being really solid sleepers. Not us. The sound of a pin dropping wakes me. The sensation of a sheet of cotton moving across my shoulder jolts me out of sleep. The tiniest movement of the mattress and I’m shot out of my REM cycle. Sharing a bed, night after night, with another human, just wasn’t in the books for me if I wanted to remain sane and healthy (remember that sleep is pretty damn important for our health!). My partner is the same way. We stopped pretending to be blissfully happy getting no sleep every night. We moved into separate rooms. And rather than it ruining our relationship or being “The beginning of the end” as my dramatic friends put it, it’s actually benefited us in many ways.
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A more efficient sleep
When my partner and I shared a bed, it took me roughly 10 hours to get just seven hours of sleep. Because I’d be woken up so frequently by my partner adjusting, pulling on the blanket, getting up, flushing the toilet, talking in his sleep, and all the other things that would occur, I spent a lot of time just trying to go back to sleep. I wasted so much time in bed because I slept in fits and stops.
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That means getting more done during the day
Now, my sleep is efficient. I get in bed at midnight. When I fall asleep, I remain asleep until my body is done sleeping—not until the next time my partner wakes me up. I can get eight hours of sleep in eight hours of time. That means that I get more time back during my days. And that means fewer arguments over not having enough time to get everything done that we need to do. A big thing for us was cleaning: the place would be a mess because I slept later than planned, due to a bad night’s sleep, and didn’t have time to tidy up.
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It means more money for me
If you’re someone who has a job that you can work at as little or much as you want—like driving Lyft or Uber or picking up some dog walking gigs—then you know how important it is to get efficient sleep. Extra time spent in bed can mean lost money. It did for me. Then I was angry with my partner because I felt that all the ways he woke me up at night were costing me money.
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And even time for me
A more efficient sleep also means I snag a little extra time during the day for me time. I didn’t realize how important spending time alone was until I finally found the time to do it. Before, when I wasted 10 hours trying to sleep seven hours, I had no time to myself every day. I only had time to do the essentials (but me time is essential).
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No pressure over bedtime
Knowing that my partner would wake me up when he came to bed, I used to pressure him to get in bed at the same time as me. I didn’t want to fall asleep, only to be waken back up when he got in bed an hour later. So I’d urge him to finish what he was doing and get in bed with me, which would cause an argument, because he still had things to do.
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Let the alarm clocks blare
We also had this terrible thing happening where both of us accidentally slept through alarms several times because we set the volume too low, so as to not wake our partner. But that also means they didn’t wake us. I also insisted that my partner not hit the snooze button, since that meant I’d be woken up several times. So he just started hitting the Off button and then…accidentally falling back asleep for an hour.
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We make a point to cuddle
We actually cuddle more now, because we don’t rely on sharing a bed to do so. And when we shared a bed, we didn’t cuddle. We went to bed at different times, so one would be asleep by the time the other arrived, and not wanting to cuddle. If he woke me up to cuddle, I’d be furious, and definitely not want to cuddle. Now, as soon as one person gets in bed, the other joins them there, just for a little, to cuddle, and then moves to his or her respective room.
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No resentment over a bad night’s sleep
If I slept really badly, I resented my partner all day long. I struggle to fall back asleep once awake, so there would be nights when the sound of my partner coughing in his sleep would wake me up and then I’d be up for hours. The entire next day we lived under a cloud of my anger—I was exhausted and I felt it was all his fault. Now, if something does wake me—like construction or a dog barking outside—it wasn’t my partner. I’m not mad at him. We can be mad, together, at the construction.
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But also, fewer bad nights of sleep
In general, there are just fewer bad nights of sleep. I didn’t realize what a grumpy person I was, until I started sleeping alone. I am not grumpy by nature—I was tired. Now, my partner gets the best of me. He gets my focus and my energy. He gets more of my time. I am more pleasant to be around, and so is he.
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The climate issue is over
I like a cold room, AC blasting. I like to bundle up under the covers, and make it a little icebox in the room. I don’t know why, but I always have. My partner likes to sleep with no blankets—maybe just a sheet—and no AC. We would argue endlessly about the climate issue. I’d sneak around to turn on the Ac once he passed out. He’d wake up to find it on and get angry with me.
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So allergies and immunity are better
The climate issue contributed to health problems, too. My boyfriend has bad allergies, and he feels they are less aggravated when he can sleep with a window open. But I can’t sleep through the tiniest sound, so letting in the street noise is a problem for me. So either we slept with the windows closed, and he woke up with congestion, or we slept with the windows open, and I couldn’t sleep.
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The dog walk issue
We have a dog, and when we shared a room, there was always the issue of who handled the morning walk. My boyfriend wakes up earlier, and since we were all in the same room, our dog would see him get up, follow him around, and pressure him to walk her. But she is technically my dog, so he felt that was unfair. Now, the dog just sleeps with me, in my room. She understands that the walk doesn’t happen until I get up.
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Dozing off to a show
I sleep best if I can doze off to a show that I’m watching on my laptop, in bed. I couldn’t do that when we shared a bed. Even if I did so with headphones, the glow of the screen bothered my partner. So I just had to try to fall asleep to nothing, which took me hours. And I blamed my partner. Now I can watch a show on my laptop, in my bed, alone, and pass out within minutes.
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Making the room my own
I like a lot of pillows. My boyfriend finds them annoying. I like to be able to eat fruit in bed at night. My boyfriend hates the smell of any food in the room where he sleeps. I like a big pile of blankets. My boyfriend just wants a sheet. Now we can customize our rooms, and not feel bothered by each other’s choices.
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We make a point to have sex
That’s a big one! A lot of couples just hope it happens, once they’re both in bed. But it doesn’t. One person dozes off before the other. One wants to read for another ten minutes, and in that time, the other loses interest. Our sex life doesn’t rely on our shared bed or bedtimes anymore. We make sure that it happens knowing we can’t rely on bedtime.
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