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People marry the wrong person all of the time. You probably know a couple that should not be together. You could think of them immediately. Who is it? Whoops. Hopefully you didn’t say that too loud. Marriage is such a tremendous commitment, and getting out of a marriage, should things go sour, is a living nightmare. So it can be surprising to watch so many people who are clearly incompatible and/or unhappy enter into this union. It’s not like they have to get married. It’s not like there are no other fish in the sea. So, why does it happen? Well, you have to remember that not everybody is necessarily as emotionally stable, independent, or secure as you, mighty reader, may be. And it is good to understand the reasons people marry the wrong person, so you can recognize it if you are getting close to doing so.
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To prove they can commit, in general
If someone has always had commitment issues, and is even chastised by their friends and family for being such a flighty person who just can’t seem to stick with somebody, they may get married, just to prove everyone wrong. Pride is a strong and dangerous thing. This may seem like a move only a teenager would make but I’ve seen several grown women do it.
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To prove they can commit to this person
If someone is feeling unsure about their relationship, their partner can sense that, but they still don’t want to lose this relationship, they may, as a form of overcorrecting, get married just to say, “Hey, I’m committed to you. See.” Sometimes, someone marries a person they’d been stringing along, because he threatened to leave.
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For a sense of safety
Maybe someone keeps choosing the wrong type of partner. They have a tendency to date individuals who are not good for them—who maybe are not responsible, kind, or stable. They get so tired of the way those relationships pan out that they cling onto the first stable person who comes their way, and get hitched. But, they don’t treat the real issue which is why are they attracted to toxic partner? If they don’t address that, they’ll likely stray from the marriage.
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To escape their religion
Religion can be a very powerful presence in someone’s life, and that can be a good thing or…not so good. In some cases—and this is certainly not to single out any religion—one’s religious community can put a lot of stock in that individual’s personal life, and put a lot of pressure on her to marry one way or live one way. She may marry someone from an entirely different religion, just to get out.
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To escape their family
I know several friends who got married just to escape their families. One such friend had a family who was very unhealthy—very toxic, abusive, destructive, and at times criminal. She just wanted a new family. And that could come in the form of in-laws. Truly, she married the guy for his family—not for him.
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Financial stability
Financial stability can be a serious driving factor. If someone has struggled for much of her life—perhaps she grew up broke, in a family who had to work too hard to barely put enough food on the table—then she may make a spouse choice out of fear. People can get very tired of just worrying about keeping a roof over their head. Can you blame them?
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Avoiding another goal
We all do it: throw ourselves into one project in order to avoid our higher goals. It’s quite common for someone to get married so that marriage can be their project instead of…their career, fixing things with their family, their own personal work and healing, etc.
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Being single can be tough
Being single can be a lot of things. It can be exhilarating and liberating. It can also be very sad sometimes and lonely. It can be exhausting. You have to go on so many bad first dates before you can possibly find someone to just stay in and watch Netflix with—which is what we all really want to do. Some people get married just so they can stop dating.
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To run from heartache
In the ultimate rebound of all time, some people marry the wrong person in a terrible attempt to get over somebody else. If you think it’s bad when someone just dates/sleeps with one person, leading him on, while they’re still pining after someone else, don’t even get me started on marrying the wrong person to get over somebody else. That’s called ruining someone’s life.
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Some financial breaks
Though the laws vary by state and you should look them up specifically for your location, there can be some tax breaks that come with being married. An unemployed spouse may be eligible for health insurance through the employed spouse’s job, too. There can be financial breaks someone gets, just from being married.
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Pregnancy
Accidents happen. Sometimes, somebody gets pregnant with the baby of someone she slept with once. Or, dated for a few months and broke up with. Or, dated for years, broke up with, met up with drunkenly for sex one night after the breakup and…whoops, she’s pregnant. Unfortunately, marrying the wrong person for the baby may not be the best solution, and the kid may grow up in a house with two parents, sure, but a tumultuous one.
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Trying to discipline ourselves
Marriage is a responsibility. Some people who have always struggled with being responsible—perhaps those who can’t hold down jobs or can’t manage their finances—will get married as a way of trying to force themselves to become more disciplined. But, sadly, marriage probably can’t fix that. That change has to come from within.
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Pressure
“We’ve been dating for five years…it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot” is what one might hear when she’s been dating her partner for a long time. She might marry him just because “It’s time.” And, while that may not be a marriage between two incompatible people, feeling rushed can make a relationship fall apart.
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Joining the married club
The married couples’ club. It seems so neat, tidy, and happy. “We vacation here” and “We love that restaurant” and “We go to this accountant.” There does seem to be some exclusivity to the married couples’ club, and some people just crave being a part of it.
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Nothing is wrong
Often, two people get married because they don’t have any good reason not to. Sadly, they also don’t have any good reason to, which should be the actual driving factor. But they’ve been together for a while, they have their rhythm, and they believe they could be happy enough.
