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Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is incredibly difficult for a mental healthcare professional to diagnose. One reason is that many aspects of the disorder can be considered good, like the confidence, drive, and positivity that comes with the upswings of the disorder. If you have a family member with BPD, you’ve been present for these. But, it can be hard for outsiders to know, is this person suffering from BPD or is she just…ambitious? Is she a dreamer? If we think of some of the most accomplished individuals who pulled off incredible feats, they must have sounded, at some point, to their peers, a little out of touch with reality. They were just creatives. BPD can also have other disorders wrapped up inside of it, like depression, anxiety, and even eating disorders. It can be hard for a psychologist to determine if a patient suffers from all of these issues, separately, or if they are symptoms of the blanket disorder BPD. If it’s difficult for a trained professional to identify the disorder, imagine how difficult it is for a mere civilian to see it. In fact, not only do mere civilians often overlook BPD—they can fall in love with it. Here is why loving someone with BPD can feel like an addiction.
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Everything is a crisis
Because those with BPD can lack the protective emotional barrier others live with, every small mishap or setback can feel much more intense to them. So every problem is a crisis, and they present it as such to their loved ones. It truly feels like a crisis to them.
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And crises are all-consuming
When your own problems become too much too handle, there can actually be some peace found in escaping into somebody else’s problems. When you love someone with BPD, you can almost find an excuse to avoid your own major problems because you are helping them with their crises.
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Their highs are intoxicating
Being around someone with BPD when she is having a manic episode can feel truly intoxicating. She can feel very certain that incredible things will happen—that there are big changes around the corner. Who doesn’t want a little of that in their lives?
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And they make you feel invincible
And when someone with BPD is in a manic swing, she can also believe that wonderful, big things are coming for those around her, too. She’ll tell you that you will be the CEO of the company at which you’re an intern now and that you could be/should be the mayor.
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When they’re up, their momentum is infectious
The mania of BPD also comes with a tremendous amount of energy. Those with BPD may tell you that, when they’re having a manic episode, they have a lot of energy—it’s almost as if they’ve consumed four energy drinks, but they have not. It can be addicting to be around that energy and soak some up.
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Their attention is intense
The love and attention of someone with BPD is intense. It consumes you. It feels like a warm ball of energy around you, protecting you from all other feelings. It is very powerful. Though it verges on codependency, it can feel good to have someone so focused on us.
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So their rejection is devastating
And since the love of someone with BPD can feel like such a drug, the rejection can feel like withdrawal. Having someone give you all of her attention and time and affection and then yank it away entirely, during times of depression, can feel physically painful.
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And makes you need their approval
Since you become addicted to the intense, drug-like sensation of this love, you’ll do anything to get it back. Though someone with BPD in a depressive state may say terrible things and display alarming emotions and behaviors, you’ll do anything to get that love back.
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They can be beautifully vulnerable
The truth is that those with BPD can be comfortable with being quite vulnerable. They feel intensely. They wear their emotions on their sleeve because, well, they have no choice. That vulnerability can be refreshing in a world where people are often so closed-off. We’re all craving connection, and we want people to just say what they feel. Those with BPD can often do that.
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So when they’re cold, you feel abandoned
When depression strikes, and someone with BPD retreats, shows no emotion, and goes numb, you feel chilled to the bone. You feel as if you’ve been left out in the cold. You feel like the person you know—the person who was just opening up to you—is locked up inside of this statue who looks just like that warm, vulnerable person who was just here.
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Perhaps you like to heal people
You may like to heal people—to save people. It’s called a savior complex. Some with a savior complex find people who are going through one massive but temporary tragedy to “save.” But, someone with BPD can be very attractive to someone with a savior complex as she will regularly have a “tragedy” at work. The project of saving her will never be over.
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Or you like to feel better, by comparison
In a twisted form of narcissism and, sometimes, as a result of very low-self esteem (I know, those are two very different things), someone may like to be with someone with BPD because, by comparison, she feels she really has her life together. It’s not very kind or productive, but the truth is that, sometimes people keep those around who they see as in worse shape than them, in order to delude themselves into thinking they’re doing just fine.
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Their compulsions can be fun
The compulsiveness that comes with BPD can be very fun for others. During a manic phase, the BPD sufferer may want to take a trip to Europe, buy a new sports car, get tattoos—it can feel fun and exciting. These are things that most people fantasize about doing every day. They like the excuse and encouragement to let loose.
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They are convincing because they’re convinced
Someone with BPD is often very convincing of whatever she says, because she is convinced. So whether it’s the conviction that a conspiracy theory is true or that she will be famous, that certitude can be attractive and comforting.
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You don’t know what the day will bring
Life can be mundane, repetitive, and boring. It’s not un-common for those who feel their lives have become humdrum to be attracted to the unpredictability of life with someone with BPD.
