Ways You Try To Reignite Your Sex Life That Make It Worse

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sex life after marriage

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If you’re one of those couples who somehow has kept thing spicy and exciting in the bedroom after a decade, well, this isn’t for you, but also you’re an anomaly and should count your lucky stars every day. As for the rest of us for whom life gets in the way of our romance—for whom the busy schedules, demanding careers, attempts to keep a social life alive, stress, and general ups and downs makes it a little hard to make sex a priority—we can get desperate. You know that sex is an important part of intimacy. And even though you don’t expect to have it every day (or even every week) forever, you know you can’t just let it…die. Sex in a long-term relationship is such a funny thing. The nature of sex should be playful and spontaneous, but sometimes it just can’t be. Or, our attempts to keep things sexy are…anything but. Here are ways you try to revive your sex life that just make things worse.

Trying to distract him from his work

You think you’ll just be assertive, but in a sexy way. While he’s working at his desk, you’ll just put on some lingerie, sit on his lap, and shut that computer—tell him he can get back to it later. But…you just accidentally closed out a program that had a very important live document on it, and you just deleted all of his work. And now he’s furious—not turned on.

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Getting in the shower together

Perhaps getting in the shower with him will do the trick. However, he’s in a hurry. He’s just focused on the fact that he needs to get back under the water to rinse off his face wash and get on the road. You’re trying to get something started, his face wash gets in his eyes, now his eyes are stinging and he’s freaking out.

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Pointing out how long it’s been

Ah yes. We all try this path at some point—just pointing out how damn long it’s been since we’ve done the deed. But instead of creating the sexy urgency we think it will, it just puts too much pressure on the whole thing. Now the clock that was ticking quietly is ticking quite loudly.

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Recounting whose fault it is

“Well last time I initiated, you were too tired,” “Okay, fine, but the time I initiated, you were in a bad mood and didn’t feel like it.” Oh boy. This can’t lead anywhere good. It certainly won’t turn anybody on.

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Fearing the relationship is over

I’ve been guilty of this myself. I get so frustrated and panicked thinking about how long it’s been, that I burst into whatever room my partner is in and say, “Is this relationship over? Are we doomed!?” Because, you know, that really gets a guy going.

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Comparing yourselves to another couple

“You know, Claire and her husband still do it all of the time and they’ve been together longer than we have.” Oh, sure. Nothing like making a man feel like less-than another man he knows to really put him in the mood.

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Bringing in unsanctioned toys

Toys can be a good thing. However, you should probably have some discussion around these before introducing one. Don’t spring a toy on a man—especially since some men are intimidated by them.

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Initiating a surprise three-way

Do not spring a three-way onto somebody. No matter how okay you are with the idea. If you have never discussed a three-way with your partner, this could go very, very badly. Even if he wants to have one, he can feel guilty going for it because you two never talked about it before. Or, he could simply feel that it’s inappropriate. Or, he may not approve of the third person you selected.

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Accusing him of not being into you

“You’re not attracted to me anymore,” “You don’t look at me the way you used to,” “You don’t want me anymore—you just pretend to” and other hits like these are just some lines you may blurt out when you become frustrated with the situation.

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Trying to spark jealousy

Perhaps, to remind your partner that you are, in fact, quite desirable, you’ll casually mention how much another man is interested in you. But how is your partner supposed to take that? He’ll probably take it as you saying that you are interested in that man.

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Saying he wishes you looked like so-and-so

“Maybe if I looked a bit more like that server at our breakfast spot that you’re always looking at, you’d still want to have sex with me! Here. I’ll do my hair like her and put on some fake tattoos.” Err…there is no way a man will feel comfortable admitting he’s attracted to you when you attempt to look like a woman you both personally know.

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Waking him up with sex

In long-term relationships, sleep becomes king. And it’s highly unlikely that, when you wake your partner up in an attempt to get something going, he’ll be happier about the sex than he is angry about being woken up. “You know I need my sleep—I have a big day tomorrow!!”

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Playing the stranger game all wrong

Some long-term couples try this: they dress in a way they normally wouldn’t, meet at a bar, and pretend not to know one another, creating all new identities. Then they go off and have sex. But it can go very wrong if you get too specific with your identity, and start bringing in elements of somebody you both know. You can’t pretend to be, for example, your friend’s hot wife. You have to make up your identity.

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Trying it in an unconventional place

There comes a time in a person’s life when A) You become aware of the legal consequences of being caught having sex in a public place and B) Don’t feel the consequences are worth it.

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Talking about it too much

There’s a fine line between addressing your dwindling sex life and just talking it to death. Talking too much about it will usually put you further away from fixing things. Your sex life is like a pot of water: it won’t boil while you’re supervising it intensely.

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