What To Do (And Not Do) When Your Child Comes Out - Page 10

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Maybe you are someone who has always suspected that your child is queer. For the purposes of this article, we’ll use the term queer, as it is an umbrella term for anyone who is not heterosexual or cisgender. And while it was once, sadly, a slur against that group, that very same group reclaimed the term starting in the 1980s, and by the early 2000s, it became the accepted way to address anyone who doesn’t conform to normative sexual or gender identities. Now that that has been covered, let’s back to your child being queer.

Perhaps you always knew. Perhaps you never thought about it, but knew you’d have no strong reaction either way and just want your kid to be happy. Perhaps you are someone who, though you believe you are progressive and woke, must admit that you would be worried to learn that your own child was part of the LGBTQIA community. There’s nothing wrong with having those feelings. But what you feel and what you express are very different, and it is important to handling the coming-out talk appropriately. Here is what to do (and not do) if your child comes out to you.

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Don’t underreact

You might try to make your child comfortable by underreacting. You want them to know this is so not a big deal, and that nothing has to change, so you may completely underreact. You may keep doing what you’re doing (folding laundry?) and say, “That’s cool. Could you hand me those socks?”

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This is still a big deal for them

You have to understand that to your kid, this is a big deal. Your child likely spent weeks if not months trying to decide exactly how and when to tell you. They do want some reaction out of you.

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Don’t overreact, either

Maybe you’ve been eagerly waiting for your child to come out to you, assuming that it would happen. Now you want to sound the alarm. You want to throw a coming out party! What caterer should you have? Does your kid have a boyfriend or girlfriend? They should come over! Right now!

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Let them decide the level of celebration

Let your child decide how big this celebration should be. It is still their celebration, after all. Don’t take it over, the way the mother of a bride takes over the wedding plans.

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Stay put. Listen. Engage.

Maybe you are overwhelmed and you aren’t sure what to say. No matter what you do, don’t walk away from this conversation. When in doubt, ask questions. “How long have you known?” and “Was this hard to tell me?” and “How are you feeling now?” But don’t bail on the conversation. If you do, you’ll likely see some rebellious behavior in response.

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Don’t say, “I always knew”

Nobody really likes to hear that. If you say that, then your kid may think, “Well then why didn’t you bring it up to me? Why did you leave me with the anxiety-ridden task of coming out?!”

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Don’t ask if they’re sure

Yes. They’re sure. You have no idea how hard it was for your child to come out to you. Nobody would put themselves through that if they weren’t sure.

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Don’t grill them on their sex life

Don’t start asking your kid whether or not they’ve engaged in same-sex sex, what they’ve done, who they’ve been with etc. This is still as delicate of a subject as it would be with a straight kid. Tread lightly.

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Don’t make silly purchases

Don’t start buying your lesbian daughter boys clothes or redecorating her room to look more masculine. Remember that gender identity and sexuality are not influenced by one another.

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Don’t go telling everyone

Just because your kid came out to you doesn’t mean they’re ready to come out to the world. So don’t go telling everyone. It is up to your kid who they come out to and when.

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Thank them for telling you

It was very hard for your kid to do that. Thank them. Tell them you admire their bravery. Tell them you’re grateful they wanted to share that with you.

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Don’t be upset they waited

Don’t be upset that they took a long time to tell you. Again, you have no idea how difficult that was. And your kid was probably still figuring out how true it was for themselves.

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Don’t use humor to show acceptance (yet)

You may want to overcompensate with humor to show just how okay you are with all of this. So you may instantly start teasing your child’s queer tendencies or quirks. Don’t do this just yet. You’re still settling into this new dynamic.

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Ultimately, just show love

Your kid just needs to feel loved right now. That’s it. Your kid needs to feel that you’re open to making adjustments to make them feel comfortable and understood. Show an open mind and an open heart.