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There have been many studies that explore how men and women handle personal relationships. One such interesting study found that, in order to reduce stress, men could use more close friends, while women should perhaps fortify their family relationships. That makes sense to me, since most women I know would tell you they have a rather complex relationship with one or both of their parents, while most men I know don’t report that (that doesn’t mean they don’t have such family problems, but rather they probably don’t dwell on them). But, most of the research tends to find similar patterns like this: women have more close friendships than men do. Men may have larger groups of people they can call friends, but fewer they could call close friends than women. And we all know those close friendships are the most fulfilling. Here are some theories on why women have more close friendships than men do.
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We talk when we aren’t together
My close girlfriends and I talk almost every day that we don’t see each other. I have two close girlfriends, and my sister with whom I’m very close, who I chat with in some capacity every day, just catching each other up on our little updates and stories. In this way, we get to peer into/experience each other’s days, even when we aren’t together. We provide companionship, even when we’re apart.
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On multiple platforms
We communicate on all platforms, too, for a full-spectrum experience of one another’s lives. In one day I’ll tag my good friend in a funny meme on Instagram, email her an article, and send her multiple texts. It’s like she gets insight into the many levels of emotions I have each day—from more serious to lighter ones.
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We are comfortable with our emotions
Women don’t feel—as men often do—that we give away our power by emoting. We will cry around women we just met. We will express deep and personal emotions we are having, to a friend of a friend who we’ve known for 45 minutes. Men might express such emotions to just one friend, perhaps once a year.
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We share more
In general, women share more. While I’ve noticed men just cover the basics (“How’s the relationship? Good. Good”), women share more details. We tell stories. We paint a picture. We are sharers.
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We are open to new experiences
Women are more focused on the companionship than the activity. If our friends want to go do something new that we don’t usually do, we’ll go, because it’s a chance to be together. I’ve noticed men might focus more on the activity, and say to men they really like, “Ah. That’s not really my thing. I’ll catch you guys next time.
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We make more plans
Women are planners. We like to plan things in advance. Maybe it’s our maternal nature that just has to be good at organizing. We look into events early. We reserve tickets. We get everyone on an email thread and find a date that works for everyone early.
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We make memorable plans
We also make memorable plans. Women like to do bonding things, like a spa day, where we all retreat from the world and focus on each other, or a wine and painting night where we get to know each other more through our art work. Men just sort of…eat and drink and exercise together.
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We travel together
Women do girls’ trips. Even when we’re in serious relationships or married, we make time for these trips. Men tend to just take all their vacation time with their significant others, and don’t prioritize “boys trips.”
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Girls’ nights are a priority
We also make sure to have plenty of girls’ nights where we feel free to behave how we want and do what we want, without fear our partners are bored or insulted. There’s something very special about the girls’ night.
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Though we also prioritize double dates
Though we make time for girls’ nights, we also find it important to get to know one another’s significant others. We push for those double dates to happen so that we can get to know the men our good friends are spending their lives with. I don’t see men really trying to organize those double dates, or befriending their wives’ friends.
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We connect with each other’s friends
If I meet a woman I like through a good friend, I’ll reach out to her. I don’t worry that it’s weird or awkward, because technically she is my friend’s friend, and not mine. I just make her my friend. And by easily connecting with the friends of my close friends, I feel closer to my close friends.
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Our activities involve interaction
Our chosen activities involve talking. We cook together. We go to a spa. We go for a walk. A lot of male activities don’t involve much talking. They watch sports. They may work out, but they play basketball or lift such heavy weights that they can’t carry on a conversation.
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We focus less on work talk
While we do discuss our careers, we tend to focus the conversation more on those deep, permanent aspects of life, like family and relationships. We get to know each other more by talking about those things than by talking about work conventions and stocks and bonds.
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Our partners don’t monopolize our calendars
We are free to spend time with our friends because our partners don’t monopolize our calendars. Men just aren’t that great at planning (not all—but a lot), so we can usually spot plenty of free slots to spend with girlfriends.
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In fact, we monopolize theirs
In fact, women tend to be the social planners for the couple. Which means we can steer things in the direction of our friends. We can go to our good friend’s Fourth of July BBQ or secure a double date with our friends and their partners. Men just don’t get on top of the planning enough to see their friends, before their partners swoop in and fill the calendar.
